In Her Darkest Hour
by theweirdworder
Summary: He was the beam of her world and now that he is gone,her world collapsed. Even worse, there are factors that make her fall even harder. However there is someone who is willing to piece the pieces back together,someone there all along.
1. Prolouge

Prologue 

Technically, she was 14 when she met him. Of course he was 23, way too old for her, then. She was a first-year squire. She could remember that day and her crush on him was apparent, even then. It faded out a little during the years but came back. She was 20 when his group and she came together to defeat a terrifying mysterious problem gripping Tortall. Months later he confessed that he had feelings for her and the feelings she had shoved away suddenly came back to surface. They had began courting each other and she had felt a feeling she had never felt before. She was sure it was true love.

But could true love survive what was to come ahead? As she felt on the verge of tears in the privy, that was something she didn't know. What to do was also unknown to her.

She was sure he would stick by her through this. She was also sure that their love would stay the same, if anything get stronger, but so many other things would be lost just because it turned out that that one little things didn't do its job?

What she didn't know then but would soon find out is that their love would have to come to a disturbing halt, and a possible end. That he would not, could not, stick by her in her darkest hour. Keladry of Mindelan had never gone through something where the only two options were to be made or broken. Never had something even come close to breaking her, even. She had never had she felt so broken, so confused, so terrified. But she could not say she had felt completely alone...


	2. Chapter 1 Events

Chapter 1-Events 

The troops were panicking now. These were 2x worse than the metal contraptions. Or so some said. These were the metal contraptions magnified.

Once again they were at war with Scanra. Kel was actually the knight she was trained to be but she missed her refugees. No matter, she had a real fight to fight. A fight bigger than she ever faced, and one without the Chamber, either. This was going to be a big one. Huge. And there was a big chance that it might be fatal. Great. And these new metal contraptions were so great a concern that a great rendezvous of the King's Own was held.

''There is a good chance that we will have to fight in this war,'' Raoul of Goldenlake and Malorie's Peak, their commander, said, ''and quite honestly men there is a good chance that we will die in the process.'' Silence hung in the air, making all the hearts in the room beat harder in fear.

Raoul looked at Kel. She was perfectly still and she kept his glance as she looked at him. Her face was devoid of all expression. To an ordinary person, the Lady Knight was the only one out of the group of men who was not afraid. However Kel was his former squire and the daughter he never had. He knew that she was just as scared as the men. She only wore that expression when she didn't want you to know what she was feeling.

For barely a moment, Kel looked at Dom. The mask fell and the fear shone. Love shone, too. Raoul knew that Kel was just as scared for him, no in fact more so(much more so, he added reluctantly to his thoughts), as she was for herself. Then her face went back to the mask. Raoul looked at her and smiled a hint of a smile that no one other than Kel would of caught. In her preoccupied thoughts she barely caught it. She smiled that same hint of a smile, too before returning back to the mask.

As a commander, he was supposed to report such suspicions. It wasn't professional and could interfere with their duties as sergeant and commander. He didn't have the heart(nor did anybody else for the matter though just about all knew) to, though. He felt more like Kel's second father than commander. He wasn't supposed to have such feelings for her. That wasn't professional. But as her second father, he felt a urge to go, sit down and have a nice, long chat with the man who was stealing his adopted daughter's heart. But that would give away his suspicions about them and his fatherly fondness for Kel. His situation was immensely confusing. He resumed talking.

Dom's eyes were blue suns as she came sneaking to him. ''Back again,'' she said, smiling. He had the same affect on her, too.

''Kel,'' he said. It was his form of greeting saying her name, along with a way of inciting his pleasure at her arrival.

''Dom,'' she said. It was the same for her. Besides, she didn't know what else to say. Even after being with him for so long, he still made her feel the same way as when she first met him. He had this way of knocking all the breath out of her at just a glance. What she had with him was beyond love.

Of course, if their relationship was discovered, their jobs could be at stake. So they had to go out in the forest to see each other intimately. Everyone knew about them but as long as there was no proof that anybody could find, it was fine. No one wanted to break them up anyone, they were so perfect for each other.

They took a moment, just savoring each other in before doing anything else.

''You ready?'' he asked.

She pulled out the anti-pregnancy charm. ''Yes,'' she answered. She had done this with him plenty of times before. There was nothing like it after such a stressful day at work.

The situations in Tortall were stressful enough. But there was something else that was adding to Kel's stress in the past couple of days. If it was what Kel knew was a possibility, it would ruin everything she had ever worked for. She didn't let herself think of it, think of the overwhelming pile of possible facts pointing to it.

Days later, she still didn't get her period. She tried to assure herself that it was just late but deep down inside she knew she was clockwork. So, at night, when she was supposed to be eating dinner with the camp, Kel went to a special midwife who could make a device that could determine whether she was pregnant or not.

''Are you sure such news wouldn't be a good thing?'' the midwife asked, ''I mean you aren't getting much younger and you are of age. What does he not love you? Do you not love him? Are you having an affair outside marriage? Were you raped?'' At the last question, she gasped, horrified.

''No,'' Kel answered, taken aback, ''it's just not the right time for us.''

''Oh, I'm sorry,'' the woman said, ''and it wasn't my business.''

Pregnant. Kel really was pregnant. For a moment, she was just stunned. When it sunk in, she let herself cry a bit. She had no idea what to do. She didn't understand how it happened- she had used the charm. Maybe it was wrong. The other tests she took said the same thing, all from different persons.

She had to go to Dom. No matter what would happen he would stay by her. He would support any decision she made. She decided to tell him at their meeting in the forest.

''What's wrong, Kel?'' he asked worriedly upon seeing her. She was wearing her mask, which she rarely ever did around him. It was very different from her usual radiant face. And she looked like a mess. Whatever the reason, he would solve it for her. Or he would kill the bastard who hurt her.

''Dom...'' she began but she couldn't finish.

That was unusual, too. If Kel said something, she usually would just come out and say it. Dom was really worried now.

''What is it, baby?'' he asked.

''Dom...'' she tried again.

He repeated the question, though with extra concern.

''Dom...'' she tried and then took a deep breath, ''I'm pregnant.''

She said it quietly and defeated-sounding, in a way that it scared Dom shitless. Her mask was off, and she could tell she didn't mean it to(which added to Dom's concern. You couldn't get Kel's mask off of her unless she wanted to). He was the bastard who did this to her and there wasn't anything he could do except hate himself for it. He knew what her pregnancy meant and there wasn't anything he could do.

The way Dom said nothing scared her more than anything he could of said. ''I don't know what to do,'' she said.

''I don't know what to do either,'' he said.

She let out a small cry.

''Kel, I am so sorry.''

She looked on the verge of tears.

''We could get rid of it, if you really want. There are ways...'' he said, desperate but immediately regretting it after he said it. Kel would never, could never, do that. It went everything she stood for. It went against everything he stood for, too.

She looked at him, appalled and more lost than ever. ''I couldn't do that,'' she said, her voice barely a quavering whisper that he nevertheless heard, ''you know I couldn't do that.''

''I'm sorry,'' he said and she knew he truly meant it.

She didn't say anything but looked right beyond his shoulders, blankly, like she didn't hear him.

''I am so sorry,'' he said and he felt hysteria rise in his throat.

Her lip quivered and tears filled her eyes.

She collapsed and burst out in tears. He caught her just before she fell and let her cry on his shoulders.

''I will be there for you, Keladry of Mindelan,'' he said, ''I promise. I love you.''

She looked up at him, her eyes bloodshot and desperate. ''I love you, too,'' she said.

**From theweirdworder(bold down here will for now be saved for my notes): Well, I updated quicker than expected(which I am very happy about). I would like to please please please ask for reviews. If you do I'll give you a sneak peek... OK, I hope I update so quickly I won't need a sneak peek but still... **

**I'd like to thank abyssgirl for being my first reviewer(and for adding this to story alert)! I really appreciated it. If anyone else reviews, I'll mention you, too, and I will read your stories and review(even if you give me a bad review. I read abyssgirl's stories and they are AMAZING. Even if you don't like my story, you should still read her's). Plus I definitely will work on updating more if you do.**

**Sooo that pretty much sums it up. Please review and I will update as soon as I can.**


	3. Chapter 2 Consequences

Chapter 2- Consequences 

Kel seemed different lately. She always wore her mask now. Well, almost always. On rare occasions, she let the mask slip. When that happened her eyes looked lost and full of fear and dread. Dom looked at her, full of concern, every chance she got and she returned it with a sad, pained look.

He wasn't alone. Kel's best friend, Neal, noticed the same but was too busy to say anything, though he desperately wanted to.

Raoul confided this with his wife, Buri, too.

''I'd say it's heartbreak but fear and dread when the mask is off? Are you sure it's something else you're mistaking it for?'' Buri asks.

''Maybe but I'm pretty sure it was that. I can count the times on one hand I've seen it but... it's such a horrific sight, especially on Kel. It just bore into me...''

''Maybe something's going on for her right now,'' Buri said.

''Like what, family issues? If it were so, I'd have a feeling she would go to them and take care of them, without thought. You know Kel. She would of had to went to me if she wanted to go and I certainly wouldn't deny her of it.''

''Maybe something just happened, then, here.''

''Like what? If she got raped, I'll kick the shit out of whoever did it.''

''It wouldn't be like Kel to not say anything if it did. Plus she'd be quite a fight.''

''I'm really concerned, Buri.''

''I know, you and Kel are like family. I think you should go and talk to her about it if you're this nervous, okay? You have enough on your plate as it is.''

Raoul simply nodded.

''Kel,'' he said to her in greeting.

She smiled at him in that same way, the sad, trying-to-be-pretend-like-nothing's-wrong smile that seemed to take everything she had. She didn't even realize the worry and determination in his eye.

''Hello, Raoul,'' she said. The sadness in her voice heightned the one on her face.

''Are you okay, Kel?'' he asked, ''you've seemed different of the late. What's wrong?''

Her face fell. For the first time, he got a long look at her expression. It was worse than he expected.

''Kel...'' he said, ''what's wrong?''

The fear and dread on her face increased.

''Kel?''

He really was worried now. Her lip trembled but she didn't say anything. It seemed like she hadn't even heard him.

''Kel, you can tell me. It's okay, honey.''

''No I can't,'' she said, her voice barely a whisper, ''I don't even know what to do yet. When I do...'' Her lip trembled and her eyes shone with tears but she didn't cry.

''Kel...'' He didn't know what else to say.

''I'm sorry I can't tell you. You'll find out soon enough.'' She bit her lip to keep from crying and a drop of blood spilled from her lip, which she hastily wiped away.

Never had he heard her so defeated, never even had he heard her defeated even. ''I'm sure I can help,'' he said lamely.

''No you can't. No one can. This all lies on me. And no matter what I do, I will lose.''

''Maybe a break from all this would help.''

She looked at him and the tears shone so brightly in her eyes, he was sure she was going to cry. ''Maybe I do. Oh Mithros, I probably do.''

She walked away from him then, almost running. He wanted to run and scream her name, comfort her and make it all go away but all he could do was stand there, frozen.

''I can't be a knight anymore, Dom,'' she told him, ''I can't be a mother to this baby and a knight at the same time. And a baby deserves a mother.'' Tears were in her eyes as she said it but the tears weren't the worse thing. The worst thing was the way she had sounded like she had given up, like it was inevitable(and, he guessed, with Kel it was). He had never hated himself more.

Dom had made up his decision. He couldn't let this baby be born a bastard and he couldn't dishonor Kel as such. The ring was in his hand and he was ready to put it on her finger. He was almost sure she would say yes. He wished this was a better moment, better timing. He wished he could do this because he wanted to, not because he had to. He had always dreamed of this moment all the years he met Kel, but he never imagined it like this.

Of course, he went to the woman he got this from, angrily. He explained his story. She was just as stunned as he was. It turned out it was defective. The woman offered a refund but a refund was no good now. He denied it.

She did say yes. She said yes with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face, normally two incongruous features. The circumstances of the moment didn't take away from the beauty of the moment.

He memorized a speech on the way there and said it to her:

''Kel, I told you I would be there for you. But... I don't want to make it sound like just now. I want to be with you for to raise babies with you. I want to die with you by my side, as my wife. Will you say yes to that?''

''Oh Dom...'' she said. She didn't know what else to say. Even if she couldn't be a knight , she would be his. That would be enough, at least, with him by her side. This would be hard but she could survive it with him.

The ring she had given him were two-carat sapphire, the sapphire of his eyes. When he couldn't be with her in person, he would be with her in the ring.

Maybe Kel had solved her problem. She seemed a hell of a lot happier. There was a sadness to her, still but it wasn't as bad. Raoul noted this, puzzled. He still didn't understand.

''I'm glad you have all this straightened this all out,'' he said.

''Or at least I've made my decision. And I've found peace with it. I'll have help and support with my decision anyway,'' Kel said.

''Yes you will, Kel,'' he said.

Just then, she hid the ring. She wanted so much to tell her that he had to take a break, or possibly a permanent end, from knighthood but she couldn't do it.

For a strange, brief period of time Kel found peace. It was only a week or so. That morning, though, Kel was urgently woken up along with the other knights at camp. The contraptions were invading camp.

She had woken up with groggy memories of her and Dom making love. It was extremely passionate and made Kel feel on fire, as always, but this time even more so. That morning she was planning of possibly terminating her knighthood with Raoul and announcing her engagement to Dom. But as her groggy mind comprehended it all, she knew that wouldn't happen. She would have to fight and possibly die.

Dom would of strongly argued against it, she knew but so much happen so fast that he didn't see her.

And it happened so, so fast. In moments, all was chaos and terror and blood. There were only two healers, too, Neal and his father. And Kel knew that in minutes they could be torn up into bits. The thought made her want to puke and cry at the same time. At the same time, Kel knew she and her unborn baby could, too... or Dom.

_Dom_. The thought of him dead made icy dread travel through her blood. She had to fight for him and their child.

She fought them but barely. She made out his face, cut but otherwise fine, his blue eyes shining with fear and determination. When he saw Kel, he ran toward her. She continued but tried to make her way toward him. ''Kel!'' he yelled. She saw the monster come toward her and Dom did, too. ''No!'' he yelled, ''Kel, no!''

It came toward them, swooping at them. In one quick movement, Dom shielded her. He covered her, so that the thing would get him not her. It hit him. The poison in it would paralyze him and later kill him if they didn't get it out quickly.

''Dom!'' she screamed, ''Dom, you could die, you need to get off and I need to get you help.'' Her voice was more desperate than it had ever been.

She tried pushing him off. ''No,'' he said, his voice just as desperate, ''you have to survive.''

''You do, too.''

He looked at her and saw the raw fear in her eyes. ''I would die anyway, if you did,'' he said, looking at her, his voice becoming hoarser with each word, ''I love you, Keladry of Mindelan.''

''No, Dom, don't go...''

''Kel...''

She forced herself up and she ran, his body in her arms. Her hopes were dangerous and reckless but she didn't care.

A piece of the battle, she would never know, hit her. She fell and his body was hurled from her arms. Kel's world faded to black, leaving her unconscious on the battlefield.

**So how did you like it? I must say I had a better time writing this chapter than the last but oh well. I had a lot of things I think should be fixed but I don't know how to do it. So if you have any ideas, tell me. And clicking the little green button down there and typing something really would be great. I've been working my butt off on daily updates but I won't be able to update until Wednesday. And after that I may not be able to update for a week(long, boring story but trust me, I like updating quickly so it's my loss, too). But I'll do my best. And the more you review, the harder I'll try... And thanks again to my very faithful reviewer:**

**abyssgirl**

**Abyssgirl, thank you SO much. You have helped a lot and I really just don't know how to thank you. But just... thank you.**


	4. Chapter 3 Waking Up and Afterward

Chapter 3- Waking Up And Afterward 

Her eyes and head burning, Kel looked around the room. It was the infirmary. Why was she in the infirmary? There had been a battle, she had recalled, a battle. A big battle with the metal contraptions and lots of blood. The metal thing had slashed through Dom, while he was trying to protect her.

Wait where was Dom?

She looked around frantically. She didn't see him. The pain in her head increased and she flinched.

''Thrashing like that won't hurt you more,'' a voice said. She knew that voice though it took a while for her to identify it. It was Duke Baird of Queenscove, Neal's father.

She couldn't see through the pain, she could only see a blurry figure but she knew it was him.

''You're lucky you're alive, Kel,'' he said, ''if I didn't find you, you would of died out there.''

She nodded but it hurt immensely to do even that.

''You shouldn't of been out there anyway,'' he continued, ''you know that.''

She nodded again, despite the pain. Her lip trembled but she put on her mask.

''You should be fine,'' he said, ''a full recovery. I healed you enough to keep you alive but I couldn't heal you completely with all the knights I had to take care of. You've been in a coma for a week now, though, and your family have been notified of it. You have many who want to visit you but you're not in a state to accept visitors just yet. The baby's fine, too, by the way.''

''Where's Dom?'' she asked, her voice squeaky and hoarse.

''Dom is dead.'' His voice quivered slightly but Kel barely noticed it.

''No, he isn't. He can't be.'' She made her voice as loud and strong as possible though it was more like pleading and weak. Kel knew somewhere that he was right. There were only two healers on that field and that poison had to be removed right away or there was nothing that could be done. Plus, it was a belly cut. Healers couldn't heal that. The rest of her couldn't believe that, though.

Kel went to touch the ring he had given her. It was still there, perfectly intact. She twisted it with her other hand, staring at it. The blue caught her eye, his eyes. All she could see at that moment was his eyes, right when he saw her out there in the battlefield.

''Kel, many brave men perished out there and my nephew was one of them.''

''No, he can't be. You're lying. He's healed and on another cot, just out of my sight, isn't he? You just don't want me to see him.''

''Kel...''

''We're still getting married anyway, you know.''

''Kel, if you two were getting married, I would be happy for you. I'm not lying to you, I wouldn't lie to you, especially not about that.''

''I don't know why you're lying but you have to be.''

''Kel, I'm not lying. I wish I was but I'm not. Dom was one of my favorite nephews and I would of done anything to heal him, but he was dead when I found you.'' His voice shook and he made a brief sobbing sound.

Kel knew that Dom was close to his uncle, that Baird would wish anything but one of his family, including Dom, dead. But Kel had to convince herself that he was faking it, that for some reason they didn't want Dom and her together, even if she knew it was wasn't really true.

''Just get out,'' she growled.

She saw him nod. Her vision was clearing and she could see his swollen green eyes and his resigned, grieving face.

''Take this if the pain gets to be too much,'' he said, gesturing to an amber, thick liquid on the table, before leaving.

''How is she?'' Raoul asked.

''She should be fine and make a full recovery. The baby, too.''

''Well, that's good. Wait, did you just say the baby, too?''

''Yes. She's pregnant.''

For a moment of astonishment, Raoul could say nothing. ''Then what the hell was she doing on that battlefield?''

''I don't know, Raoul.''

''It doesn't seem like her...''

''Raoul, that's not important now. There are wounds in her right now that I can't heal, or at least not with my Gift, that are deadlier than the ones that could of killed her at the battlefield. Those wounds I couldn't heal with my Gift...but they can kill her just the same.''

''And what wounds are those?'' Raoul asked worriedly.

''The wounds in her heart.''

Raoul was silent, he couldn't say anything. It would be hard enough for Kel to grieve as it is but with a baby on the way to take care of...

''She's in denial that he's dead, and she keeps on insisting I'm lying.''

''Of course. She never saw him die or seen his body, she's been in a coma for a week and she doesn't want to believe he's dead.''

''I don't either, but I must. Hope's too painful when my head is stronger. Accepting it is the only way I'll get through it.''

Since their camp was located close to headquarters, the bodies were sent there to be identified by family members for burial.

One of the bodies caught Kel's eye. It was different from when she had last seen it, she still knew it.

He was shrunken and pale, from the poison. His black hair was matted and dirty. His blue eyes were closed, never to be opened again. Dried blood covered his side, from where the contraption took its lunge. A gaping hole where the most blood was, was at his side, too._ Dom_.

''Dom, sweetheart, wake up,'' she said, calmly with an edge of hysteria tinting it. She knew he was dead but a part of hoped it wasn't so. She shook his shoulders.

His body barely moved.

''Dom, come on, wake up.'' More hysteria entered her voice and she shook his shoulders as harder than the last time.

His body moved more but not on its own.

''Dom, wake up. Wake up.'' The hysteria completely took over her voice, making her voice more pleading than commanding.

''Please,'' she added, her voice barely a whisper, drowned out by suppressed sobs.

His body stood unaffected.

''Dom, please, Dom...''

She tried shaking him at her hardest again but still nothing happened.

''No, no, no...'' She felt tears run down her cheeks but ignored them.

As one desperate last resort, she checked his pulse. No vibrations beat behind it, and the coldness of it took her aback.

''Oh Mithros, no, Mithros, no,'' she sobbed. The pain she had felt about her pregnancy was almost nothing to what she felt now.

''M'am, I have to take him away,'' somebody, she wasn't sure who, said to her.

''No, you can't,'' she said.

''M'am...''

''No, no! You can't please, no! Dom!''

But in a blurry she could barely remember, they took him away anyway, despite how hard she fought.

She ran away, with her hand over her mouth, as if trying to choke down the rest of her tears.

Baird of Queenscove heard her wails from her infirmary, along with his son.

''It sounds like it comes from where the bodies are being hauled,'' Neal said, ''probably a widow or a mother. Though I swore that this location was being kept confidential.''

''They are. I don't think something like that would be leaked. Maybe the person was already here when it happened. What about Kel?''

''She's still supposed to be healing.''

''I got her out of here as soon as she could walk...We need the cots.''

The screams were getting louder and more distant. ''I'll check it out.''

By the time he got up there, the screams had stopped. He was too late.

''Yes, there was a widow up here all right,'' one body hauler said, ''pretty girl except for all her scars. You didn't think she'd be a fighter but hell she was. It took all of us and even one of your knights to pull her away from his body. She was such a wreck. She couldn't bear to be separated from him, and for a while there she kept trying to make herself believe he wasn't dead...It was one of the saddest things I'd ever seen. I think Dom was his name.. or at least the name she kept screaming anyway.''

Neal froze. It was Kel. A wreck? Kel a wreck? He couldn't imagine it. She was so calm and collected, almost to the point of something non-human. He was the one who fell apart and Kel was the one who patched him up. He had never seen even a tear form in her eye, even when he would of been sobbing in her place. But Kel a wreck?

But if she was indeed a wreck, then as her best friend he had to help her heal, or at least try. After all, when he had been in her place, that's what he did(and she did it more than well).

He searched for her, though she wasn't hard to find. She was on the side of her barrack. Nothing would of prepared him for what he saw.

Mess wasn't the right word. She was beyond a mess. She was more than out of control, more like completely lost. Her head was in her hands and the most broken, despairing, twisted sound was coming from her throat, in quick, loud screeches. It was the sound of a broken, no irrevocably shattered heart in the process of being destroyed. It was the sound of a soul just ravaged of all things that made it beautiful. And it was coming from the one person he'd never, ever thought it would. In between the sobs she kept whispering in the most desperate, pleading whisper, ''Dom, oh Dom, come back.''

It broke his heart and disturbed him to the core. He had never seen Kel cry all the years he'd known her(since she was 10 years old, a new page who needed a sponsor, which he turned out to be) and now she was sobbing her heart out. It was a fact he could barely comprehend, a fact that if he didn't see it with his own eyes he would of never believed. He wanted to take away all the pain and run away and never see the pain again at the same time. He got over his selfish desires to run and went over to her.

He didn't say anything, just went over to her and embraced her as hard as he could. She looked up then, her hazel eyes swollen and full of despair.

''Neal...'' she said, her voice shaky after a momentary pause from sobbing, ''when did you come here?''

Kel, always alert, hadn't noticed his more-then-obvious entry. Two disturbing differences in one moment.

''Just now,'' he said, ''Kel, I know how you feel and... you are the last person that deserves that, I am so sorry you're feeling it.'' His voice rang with sincerity and faint tears.

She started to sob again.

Her sobs were the last thing he had wanted to hear but from personal experience he knew it helped a lot.

''Oh Kel...'' He felt tears running down his face. The combination of one of his favorite cousin's death and Kel' s reaction to it was just too much. He said the only words he knew how to say, ''I'll miss him, too.''

She looked up again. ''All I could envision was our wedding and now all I can envision is our separation, and his death. Oh Goddess, I loved him so...''

They were going to get engaged? That made things so much worse. ''I would of been so happy for you two,'' he said, ''so, so damn happy.''

''I would of been, too,'' she said, tears falling down her face. ''I can't believe we're not going to get married... I can't believe I'll never see him or hold him again or never see his blue eyes look at me. He said he'd be there for me, with me, forever and now...'' She sobbed harder, harder than Neal was humanly possible.

''He will be with you forever, Kel,'' he said, ''even if he won't be there physically by your side, he will always be there in your heart. I know Yuki still is.''

At the mention of Yuki, Kel sucked in her breath. ''Oh Neal,'' she said, ''thank you, that means a lot.''

Neal smiled a small smile.

''But when does it stop hurting?'' Tears welled in her eyes again.

He wished he could give her a definite answer, or an answer that would make her stop hurting.

Instead he said, ''It never stops hurting- it only hurts less with time.''

Kel bit her lip. ''It's my fault he died,'' she said, ''I should of been the one dead right now.''

''What the hell would make you say that, Kel?''

''I... it was coming for me, not him. But he... he had wanted to protect me so he shielded me and it lunged at him, Neal. It would of lunged at me but... If it weren't for me, he would be dead.'' She broke off in sobs again. ''I deserved to die.''

''Kel,'' he said, his voice firm, ''look at me.''

''I can't.''

''Kel.'' He pulled her face to his. ''Don't you ever say that. Ever. It isn't true.''

''Yes it is.'' She tried to pull her face away.

''Kel, look at me. It isn't. If Dom decided to protect you, then that just meant he loved you. We all knew he loved you so, so much, Kel.''

She started sobbing again. ''Neal,'' she said, ''I'm scared, too.''

He brushed her hair from her eyes. ''You're scared?'' he asked, his voice soft, ''I'm scared that the big, scary monsters are going to get us. Did the Chamber, perhaps, tell you how to solve them, too?''

She looked at him, in a way that he knew all he had built up in trying to comfort her was lost. Besides, it probably wasn't good anyway, under Kel's grief.

''I'm sorry, Kel,'' he said, ''I know this isn't a time for my stupid sarcasms. What are you really scared of?''

''I'm going to have to quit knighthood, Neal. I think this is a sign but I'm not sure if it's the right thing.''

''No, Kel, you know Dom wouldn't want that...''

''It's not Dom, it's me.''

She looked at him, and sucked back the tears. Obviously and surprisingly, his father had not told him. ''And the baby,'' she added, ''I'm pregnant.''

Neal took a double take. His father must of known, considering he healed her, yet he didn't tell him. ''Like with an actual baby?''

''What else could I pregnant with, Neal?'' She smiled slightly. Normally she would of been cracking up.

For a moment, she felt lighter, happier. But as quickly as it settled, it left.

''I don't know if I can be a good mother to it when I lost its dad. I don't know if I can be a good mother all by myself. This child will grow up without a father, a bastard, and without love. I don't want it so how can I love it? And how can I be a good mother to my child if I don't at least give it love?''

''I think you love it, Kel. I just think you're only seeing its father's love right now, though. And if you don't... you'll learn to. And you'll think of it as his last gift to you.''

''Damn, I miss him so much.''

''I know.''

He held her until she cried all of the tears she had.

**Well, what did you guys think? This was my longest chapter yet and I had the most fun(is that a sin considering the pain the characters went through?) However there is a lot of fault I found in it, like was I too repetitive? Did I put sarcasm in the wrong place? Was the sarcasm wrong? Your input would be appreciated. I'm debating whether I should of put some of the content here in another chapter but... Well, I am happy to say I have another reviewer:**

**jayley**

**And I've read and reviewed one of her stories(and I will read and review the rest when I get the chance. I will read your stories, too, if you review... Like I said I won't be able to update for a week so you'll have plenty of time. So, please, please, please review!**


	5. Chapter 4 Neal's Memories

Chapter 4- Neal's Memories 

''Thank you,'' Kel said to him when she was done, her voice sincere despite it also being hoarse and raspy.

''You're welcome,'' Neal said, ''I owe it to you after how you helped me with Yuki.''

''You're my best friend, Neal, of course I did it. And Yuki was a good friend of mine, too,'' she said.

He nodded, even after all these years-it still hurt to think of her even after 3 years gone by-and smiled sadly. ''Get some rest, Kel. You need it.''

''I won't be able to sleep and you know it.''

Neal sighed and bit his lip. You could just hear the bags in her eyes. Poor Kel. He could remember how he had felt.

''I know,'' he said, ''but try. You're exhausted. I don't want you dead over lack of sleep.''

Kel looked up into the sky, briefly, and her eyes got wet a little with tears she had thought she had already cried. ''This will be the first night I went to sleep without seeing Dom right before.''

Neal bit his lip harder. It was his 8th night without seeing Dom(not the way Kel had, for sure, but just seeing him and greeting him). He couldn't cry in front of Kel, it would only make her more scared and lost than she already was.

''The first night is really hard,'' he agreed, ''but please, please try to sleep Kel. It would be easier on you.''

''Thank you, Neal,'' she said, ''good night.''

''Kel, try to get some sleep, alright? Promise.''

Kel bit her lip. ''I'll try to get some sleep, I promise. Good night.''

Neal took a deep breath. ''Good. Good night, Kel.''

As he walked away, Kel wished he could stay with her. It was going to be a long night.

As soon as he was out of Kel's sight, or even remotely close to it, Neal sat down and cried.

As children, Neal liked Dom the most out of all his cousins. The whole gang of boy cousins hung around together but as the oldest, Neal and Dom was the ruler of them all(as being even older than Neal, Dom was technically alpha and Neal beta). Attempts of conspiracy were promptly dealt with(with some form of punishment exploiting that specific cousin's weakness).

Of course, they were constantly at war with the girls. Not the shallow, ladylike girls that made up the majority of the cousins closer to his age. No, the rare girls, the minority girls, the ones with that tough streak. If their size were equal to the boys, they would of surely overpowered them, Neal noticed with a fond smile on his face. He admitted it now, though he would of surrender to them before admitting that. Those girls were lead by none other than Neal's sister, Jessamine(who being the youngest and only girl had no choice but to be tough, the sister Kel reminded him so much of.

Every once and a while, the alpha and the beta did have fights. They were always over something stupid and they always made up afterward, promptly resuming business. It was times like now, Neal wished he could take them back.

Eventually, they had to separate to go on training for what they wanted to be. They separated, still keeping in touch and seeing each other on family reunions, but it wasn't the same. And when Kel came along, she became his best friend instead. Neal wished he could of seen his cousin more often, too.

A rush of memories came through Neal's head- the first time he had seen Dom dead(and Kel unconscious), Kel's grief, and Yuki's death(which Kel's reaction brought back). One by one, his memories ripped through his soul.

_As he looked for those who needed healing across the battlefield, she caught his eye almost immediately. She was pale and had a big gash on the top of her head, the reason for her unconsciousness. The source of the problem was only a few feet away from her- one of the metal pieces that fell off a metal contraption. If it was poisoned, she would of been dead anyway, but he knew she could still be dead anyway. _

_And only a few feet away, from her, was Dom. His skin was the color of death and poison, the gash that killed him no longer bleeding. Even from the distance, he knew that, though he didn't want to believe it. _

_He rushed toward them, not caring if the metal things go to him. He went to Dom first, and checked his pulse. As hard as Neal tried to feel it, he felt nothing. Dom was dead. _

_Neal felt the grief well up inside him. His childhood best friend, and in last his last moments was Neal's cousin and good friend was dead, never to talk or walk or call him ''Meathead'' again. He would never be able to do anything. And Neal always thought Dom was invincible, his childhood thought subconsciously following him into childhood _. _He couldn't believe it. Oh Mithros and Goddess, it couldn't be. Suddenly he felt an urge to go somewhere and sob, or go on his knees and beg the gods to bring him back to life. _

_But he couldn't. He had to push down it down or else Kel, his current best friend, was going to die. He went to her, his hands shaky. If he didn't do it right, she would die and his failure would mark him until the end of time, like Yuki's did. _

_Neal didn't remember when but his father came to his aid. _

_He heard a shaky breath, a translated suppressed sob before his father told him, ''Let me, you go on and find other men to heal.''_

_Neal looked at his father who looked at Dom with grief, before his father looked back him. _

_His father understood. _

_''Go on,'' he said, sharp and sad at the same time. _

_He felt salvation at that moment, though later he knew he shouldn't of. _

_For a couple hours, he forgot this memory but when the battle was over(and lost), and the dead were picked up from the battlefield, he would remember it more clearly than ever. _

_And the memory would be the only thing, he could think of when he saw Dom's dead body again and Kel's unconscious, shocked-into-a-coma one, when the grief struck him the hardest and then now. _

The last thought struck him back into reality. For a moment, he reacted like it was a bad dream but then when he realized it wasn't, the tears came. The tears made his eyes burn and his throat feel like he was swallowing something too big to chew, and made him feel lower than ever.

Then he remembered Kel's current reaction to his death. At that, a tear fell down his face. It broke his heart almost as much as Dom's death actually did. He figured that the possibility of Kel like that for the rest of her life would be worse than her death. He was afraid that if Kel could get that shattered then it may be possible she could never heal again. And those memories of Kel like that brought memories of when he was like that...

_Yuki had just had given birth to their first daughter, who they named after the crown princess of Tortall, Shinkokami. In Neal's eyes, she was just as beautiful as their mother. Those two, along with his son, Baird(who Neal named after his father), were the shining pearls of his life shining above all. _

_Nothing had seemed wrong, those first couple days. In fact, all would exclaim how shocked they were that she had recovered only after days, a feat almost unreal to most, especially after Baird's birth was so hard on her. She had insisted that life go on as usual. She claimed that more than fine and after three days upon insisting she was more than fine. _

_Maybe for that period of time, she was fine. But on That Day( as it would always be referred to be little Baird and him), or probably more specifically that moment in That Day she was not fine. _

_Neal was talking to her, Baird in his arms and she was playing with little Shinko. They were laughing and cooing at Shinko, and telling each other how much they had loved her and each other. It seemed like it should of been a happy moment but it ended as not. _

_''Neal, can you hold Shinko?'' Yuki asked, ''all the sudden I'm not feeling too well.'' _

_''Sure,'' he said, thinking that Yuki simply had finally tired out, ''you take a rest. I was sure you need it sometime.''_

_She nodded, while squinting her eyes and rubbing her neck. _

_Neal promptly put Shinko in her crib. _

_''All right, big boy, it's time for your nap, anyway,'' he told his three-year-old son. He was carrying Baird on his shoulder(which Baird loved) when he looked at Yuki. _

_''Yuki something's wrong with your eyes,'' he noticed, ''the pupils are really big. Are you all right?''_

_''I don't know,'' she answered, her voice sounding woozy, ''I feel kind of... Neal?'' _

_She stretched her hand to him, in a way like she couldn't see him. Then before Neal knew it, she fainted. _

_Neal set quickly set Baird down. _

_''Yuki,'' he said, shaking her shoulder harder each time and repeating her name as she didn't wake. Panic slowly set in him. ''Yuki!'' he screams her name the last time he shakes her shoulder, this time the hardest he could. Panic consumed him by then, despite how he tried to push it away. _

_''Oh Mithros and Goddess, no!'' he exclaimed. _

_''Daddy?'' Baird inquired, the panic catching in his green eyes. _

_''Baird, stay here, I have to get help for your mother.''_

_''Daddy...'' Tears welled up in those green eyes and for a moment, Neal felt guilty. But there were more important things. _

_''Stay here.'' _

_Baird burst out in tears. _

_Neal took mount and rode off, urgently looking for the help that wouldn't ever be good enough. _

_She would never rise from that too-deep sleep and three days later, he would be attending her funeral._

_Time and Kel helped make the wounds heal. But he would never be the same again. With Yuki, went a part of himself, dying when she did. _

That memory hurt almost as much as the others did. For that, Neal finished off the tears he had inside him.

''Oh Yuki, you'd know what to do, if you were here, wouldn't you?'' he sobbed to the above.

He already knew the answer.

But Yuki wasn't there and neither was Dom.

**So, how did you like it? I hope it clears a few things up. I am still unsure whether or not I should of used both memories at once and whether they had smooth transition. But hey, abyssgirl, I used could HAVE instead of OF( if I slipped up, sorry). I'm sorry I didn't update for such a long time(my grandma wanted to take us to Philly for a bunch of historical reasons, Fourth of July, a couple of sleepovers, a place at the shore with no computers, etc.). Worse, I'm starting camp so the updates will be every two days instead of one( or three, I don't know). I'll do my best. On the bright side, I have earned **_**4**_** new reviewers: **

**Fire Daughter**

**Elk-a-Roo**

**Kari of Mindelan**

**Mrs. Dom Masbolle **

**You guys have made me run around the house, in a giddy and insane manner(weird on many levels, I know)!I have read at least one of your stories and reviewed(well I reviewed in my PM for Kari of Mindelan, so if that's a matter of concern, I am very sorry). I thought this would be a chore but you are all actually good writers(even Fire Daughter's **_**Twilight **_**fanfic. The book is okay but most of the fanfics for it are HORRIBLE so kudos to you for writing a more-than-decent, a.k.a awesome, fanfic). Anyway, I hoped you liked this chapter and please keep reviewing(and if you aren't reviewing please do). Sorry for the super-long, boring author's note.**

**PS I forgot to say this but Yuki died of a brain aneurysm if anyone cares( I don't think people die as quickly from it but I needed a quick-death and still-mysterious-in-Tortall ailment. I actually did look up its symptoms). **


	6. Chapter 5 Shoulders of Support

Chapter 5- Shoulders of Support 

The funeral took place on Masbolle.

''Can I come?'' Kel asked, her voice her usual raspy and empty from sobbing.

''Of course,'' Neal and Baird said at the same time.

''Thank you,'' she said.

A man that looked like the older version Dom would of been walked up to her. ''You must be Kel,'' he said, ''Dom told me a lot about you.''

''He did?''

''Yes, he did. He loved you very much.''

Kel bit her lip. Tears welled in her eyes(by now she hated tears). ''I loved him, too. I loved him so much.''

''My son died for the cause and person he loved. I will miss him but he died the most noble death one could.'' Tears were in his eyes, too.

Kel was speechless. She had wanted to say that he had died because of her, not for her. If she wasn't out there, it would of never happened. But the opinion of Dom's father hit something in her. ''Thank you,'' she said finally.

She attracted the stares of Dom's family. Neal watched out curious and carefully, in case they said anything that might upset Kel. They didn't. They were just curious to see a look at Dom's previous lover. Even in their grief, they saw the consuming anguish in Kel.

''Daddy, I'm sad about Dom leaving but Auntie Kel looks sadder,'' 3-year-old Shinko said to her father, ''will she be okay?''

''Yeah, I'm worried,'' his 6-year-old son Baird added,'' I never seen he so sad.''

Neal's eyes were looking at Kel.

The casket was open, so viewers could say their last goodbyes to Dom before they closed the casket and set it in the ground. Mourners lined up for this chance and it was Kel's turn(Neal's turn had passed).

Her hand was on her mouth, swallowing down the sobs. She laid her mouth on his lips and kissed him. When she finished, a tear fell down her cheek and her mouth moved, saying something he couldn't hear. She walked away, once looking back before taking a seat. It was one of the most beautiful and saddest thing he had ever seen.

''Daddy?'' a little voice inquired worriedly.

Neal looked at his son.

''Yes?'' he answered.

''Will you be okay? You won't be like that will you?''

''I'll be okay, Baird. Not like that.''

''Can we go over to her?'' Shinko asked.

He glanced at Kel. She didn't look too bad and she looked like she was still in this world. Baird and Shinko would be just what she needed. He nodded and both of his children's faces lit up at cheering their nearly-adoptive mother.

''Auntie Kel! Auntie Kel! Auntie Kel!'' they both shrieked, running to her.

Her reaction to them were not as he hoped.

''Hello, children,'' she said, her grief flooding into her voice. She forced something of a fake smile on her face, her eyes lighting up only slightly and only for a moment before going to their newly-regular state.

''Auntie Kel, I love you,'' Shinko said to her.

''I love you, too, Shinko,'' Kel said, her voice filling with emotion beside grief for the first time since Dom's death, ''and you, Baird.''

''Will you be okay?'' Baird asked, ''when we asked Daddy, he said he didn't know. But you have to be okay.''

Kel didn't answer.

Kel went back to camp to say her good-byes to the Own and pick up the few possessions she had.

The Own felt horrible for Dom's death but they felt almost as horrible for Kel's reaction. Neal had told them of course, but it was worse in person. Then finding out the whole story from Raoul doubled that. They had seen her first at the funeral and all wanted to go up to her and say something, anything, but could not. They were all out of words.

One by one, they went up to her and hugged her. ''Goodbye, Kel, we will miss you,'' they all said. Every once in a while, someone added something about Dom and how sorry they were. There was not one who Kel doubted if they meant it or not. She knew they did and appreciated every attempt of comfort they made. It didn't help her whatsoever. Most cried in some way- some sobbed in front of her, some simply had tears in their eyes, some Kel didn't see because they ran off before she couldn't see(even if they hadn't cried in years). Kel would of been one of them but she couldn't muster up the emotion for it. All she felt was a

Raoul's goodbye was separate from the group.

''Kel I am so sorry...'' he began.

She nodded. They all were, even if that didn't change anything.

''If you need me in any way, I'll be right where you can reach me. I'll get out of battle somehow, if need be...''

''No,'' she interrupted,'' not if you're in battle.''

''All right,'' he continued, ''if that's what you want. But you're more important to me right now, Kel. I will stand by you. If you need help, I'll give it. I don't know how yet but if whatever you say, I will not give a second thought. ''

Kel didn't know what to say. ''Thank you,'' she said, feeling those godsdamned tears well in her eyes.

''I hate seeing you like this and I think you are the last person who deserved that hell set on you. I am more sorry than I could put in words.''

He offered his arms and she took it for a while. The tears in her eyes from before fell on his sleeve but no more did.

''I have to go soon,'' she said, and broke free from his embrace.

He nodded. ''If you do not know this already, you will be missed.'' Tears were in his eyes.

''I know so. I will miss everything here, too.''

Kel went to the only place she knew to go to- Mindelan. She didn't know what else to do. She felt guilty for not writing to her mother and telling her she was coming but... mail was too slow(she felt guilty for even having to depend on her mother). Her mother would let her in, though. She would even try to help Kel find her way, knowing how she was.

She would of definitely been there if not for the distance and the note sent a month ago saying that Kel was awake, she didn't have to be.

Taking a deep breath, she knocked on the door.

Her father opened it. ''Kel, you're an unexpected surprise,'' Piers of Mindelan said, grinning broadly, ''I assume you're better now, if you could make the travel. Your mother and I were worried. Give me a hug, I'm so glad to see you.''

She did, grinning that fake half-smile she always gave now, pretending she was fine. Of course, there was a part of her that was genuinely happy to see her father. That part was overshadowed by the grief. If the grief wasn't there, she would of been radiating.

Piers of Mindelan noticed something wrong even before he saw her. Her hug was normally bear-like with a touch of gentleness. Now, it was weak and wobbly. She was clinging to him and pushing him away at the same time. Maybe she was still ailing after all, he thought, but it would be just like my Kel to say she was well even when she wasn't, to move on as usual before she was ready.

But then he saw her eyes. They were one of the darkest things he had ever seen- bleak, hopeless and full of more pain, grief and dread than he could say in words. He had never knew such a look could exist on one person alone, especially not Kel.

Oh Mithros and Goddess! Had battle gotten to his Kel? She was so strong, weaker men had made it out undestroyed from their life before. But he had heard this battle was one of the worst ever seen. Was the battle that bad? Oh was it something else, some knowledge Kel had over everyone else or... Did she...

''Kel are you all right?'' he asked before he could finish that thought.

She put on her mask. ''I'm fine.''

He knew she wasn't.

Her mother came in the doorway. ''Piers, why didn't you tell me Kel was here?'' she asked, ''Kel, how are you?''

Kel didn't answer, almost as if she didn't hear.

''Kel, are you hurt, baby?''

She looked at her mother. ''Neal and his father healed all my wounds.''

''Are you sure he healed all of them? You look very... I don't know the word...Is something wrong?''

Her lip trembled. ''Can I talk to you inside?''

''Kel, what...''

She couldn't finish her question. Kel broke down on the ground, sobbing.

Ilane of Mindelan was deeply alarmed by this. Her daughter was tough. She could count on one hand the number of times she had cried. It took a lot to bring a tear to her eye. She could not imagine what it took to make her sob.

Piers was just as alarmed. He stood silent over his wife for he didn't know what else to do.

''He's dead,'' Kel sobbed.

''Whose dead?'' Ilane asked gently, feeling immense pity. She named the people she knew whose death would do this to her. For all her toughness, her daughter was a very compassionate person who loved deeply.

''Dom.'' She let a few more sobs escape before she added, ''Dom's dead and I'm pregnant with his child.''

Both parents felt their jaws drop.

''Wha... Weren't you using a charm?'' Ilane first asked, ''come inside. We'll talk about it there.''

They did.

Kel poured her heart out.

''Weren't you using a charm?'' Ilane asked.

''Yes, I found out from the woman herself, it was defective, though. Too late now.'' Kel answered off-handedly. She didn't really care about that now.

''Oh. Did Dom know you were pregnant?''

''Yes. It was half the reason why he died for me.'' Tears suffocated her. She thought she would be done with tears by now. But, she thought, guess not. Maybe my love for Dom is so deep that my tears for him will never end.

''He died for you? Did you see him die?''

The conversation went on from there.

Kel stayed upstairs in the guest bedroom.

When she asked when she had to leave, her mother answered, ''However long you need, honey.'' Her father seconded that.

Ilane knew her daughter felt guilty for dependent on her parents. But really she had nothing to be guilty about. Ilane and Piers loved their daughter, and she needed help so help they gave. It was the least they could of done to help her.

The next morning, a knock was heard at the door.

Piers opened the door to Neal's face.

''Is Kel there?'' he asked.

Piers nodded. She was right behind him.

When Neal saw her face, he smiled. ''Kel,'' he said, ''I'm here. I was given mourning period for 3 months but I'll find a way to make it longer.''

**I have ANOTHER reviewer: **

**hersheybar66**

**And not to mention story alerters! Yay! But people, please review. **

**I'm sorry I took longer than I said but... **

**TENNIS CAMP IS EXHAUSTING! **

**I hope you liked this chapter. I don't know where this story is going(except for the end and next chapter) but... **

**I'm also planning to work on a bunch of Aly poems, unrelated to this. I don't know where that's going, either. **


	7. Chapter 6 To the Rescue

Chapter 6- To the Rescue

Kel was stunned. The ride on horse from Queenscove to Mindelan one- way was about two hours. He rode two hours on a horse just to see her and make sure she was all right! It was one of the nicest things anyone had ever did for her.

''Thank you,'' she said. It sounded so stupid but she didn't know what else to say.

''You're more than welcome,'' Neal said.

''Well, come in, Neal,'' Ilane said, ''you need a rest.''

''Thank you, Baroness,'' Neal said.

Neal came in, taking off his boots and coat. Her mother took them and put them into the closet.

''Can you take a walk with me, Kel?'' he asked, ''I have some things to talk to you about.''

She nodded. She knew he would try to comfort her, tell her things would get better and etc. She only hoped she didn't cry this time, though.

''Shinko just got potty-trained,'' he said, grinning, ''she's so happy about it. Only picked up on it in a week and a half.''

That was the last thing she expected to hear.

''Oh,'' she said, ''well we always knew how clever she was.''

She did. In the months after Yuki's death, in which Kel had helped with Baird and Shinko, Kel had formed an almost motherly bond with them, especially Shinko.

But only half of her was on the conversation.

''I know, I can only imagine when she starts school,'' he said, ''she'll be the star of the class, the pet of the teacher...''

''That won't be until at least 3 more years, Neal,'' she answered, an inkling of a smile on her face.

Neal noted the inkling with triumph. Eventually he might get a full one, or maybe even a small giggle.

''And in 7 years she'll begin page training, even,'' Kel added, when Neal was thinking this.

''What?'' This was more of an angry exclamation than a question. It also snapped him out of his thoughts.

''It's not entirely impossible.''

''Yes it is. I won't let it happen.''

She shook her head, in amusement. ''Knowing Shinko, she'll make it happen. And Just like I did. Not to mention she'll have her Auntie Kel's help. ''

''I'd as soon kiss a Stormwing.''

Kel scrunched up her nose in disgust. Stormwings were abominations with wings. Right before battle, Stormwings would loom in the air and right after, they would do various disgusting things with the corpses before rolling with it. Not to mention those things made them not exactly the cleanliest of immortals.

''Ah, Neal...''

''What? I know the rigors of training and I saw from you what's added to it for a girl.''

''Things have changed since I was a page.''

''But some haven't.''

''I remember those things... but look I'm still here today and I survived them.'' Then she added, ''And trust me, you DID NOT see all of them.''

''Like what?''

''All the issues a girl has growing up in a world of boys. I remember the little inconvenient crush I had on a certain green-eyed boy throughout all almost my page years.''

The notion still amused her. Oh, she could only of imagined if it never went away!

But in that moment, the darkness that Kel had somehow pushed in her subconscious mind came back to haunt her. Somehow this had reminded her of when Dom had told her.

_''Kel, I have to tell you something.'' He looked at the ground, and was unable to sit still. _

_She was blind then, didn't understand or even think of what he might tell her(even though she was kind of feeling nervous then, too, like she had been feeling always around him now). She was worried for what could possibly make him nervous. _

_She nodded. ''Sure.'' _

_''Um, could I tell you in private?'' _

_Even then, she was blind. _

_''Sure.'' _

_He had sat her down on a small boulder they had stumbled upon in the forest( that probably had an odd reason for being there. Numair...). _

_''Lately, I've been feeling feelings above friendship for you,'' he began, all in one breath that Kel surprisingly made out. ''Really big feelings above friendship,'' he added shortly after that, obviously trying to slow down his voice. _

_Her heart roared with heartbeats so quick she thought the heart making them was going to explode. _

_''Me, too,'' she managed, a big smile erupting on her face, unfathomable joy oozing from her. _

_He kissed her then, kissed her with such passion, and she had kissed him the same way. She had knew then, that unlike her two past relationships, this was _true_ love. _

That memory was foreshadowed with the knowledge he was dead, casting a blanket of consuming darkness.

Neal saw the transformation on her face. He was doing so well... He couldn't let the darkness take her again.

''You did?'' he asked, trying to keep his voice light, ''I had no idea.''

He really didn't. If not for all the tragedy lately, he would of gotten more shock and amusement out of this new fact. If she had told him then... Not good things would of happened.

''Really? Wow, Neal. How are you so shrewd on some things and so blind on others?'' Only part of her had loosened again. He had to get the rest.

Neal had answered this with some witty saying he couldn't remember later on.

He did remember the inkling of a smile that was on Kel's face when she said. He also remembered that, working as hard as he could at it, by the end of the night he had even earned a small smile from her.

And Kel remembered that for the first time in weeks, she had put Dom in the back of mind for a while.

When Neal and Kel came back from their walk, the difference was obvious in Kel. She wasn't 100% but she wasn't as bad. Which was a huge improvement.

''Why don't you stay the night, Neal?'' Ilane asked, ''it will be dark by the time you make it home. We have a guest bedroom.''

After much rejection to that idea, Neal finally submitted.

He had warned his mother as he dropped off the kids at her house, that if he didn't come home tonight, not to worry. He had thought ahead of time that he might be staying the night at Kel's. He wanted to spend the night with Baird and Shinko but if Kel needed him... Well, that was more important.

Kel went up to her parent's guestroom( of course not Neal's ). She had forgot a little bit with Neal that night.

Only when she went to bed, did it all come back. Normally now, she couldn't distinguish night from day anymore- with the exception that in night, she briefly shut down from it all. Except at that moment, she could.

It all came back to her then. For some reason, it felt worse than ever. When it all hit, she could barely breathe. She couldn't even cry, the pain was so great.

Oh Mithros, those memories were so great. But she didn't want them to be just memories. She wanted it to be reality, with Dom at her side, his breath on her neck. A tear finally let itself fall from her face and she cried herself to sleep.

Sleep was usually blank and dreamless, the result of herself tiring herself out.

But now it was more than lurid.

She saw the battle scene in her eyes again, and Dom being hit.

''No!'' a part of her brain screamed, already knowing what was going to happen next.

He was in her arms again. ''Kel...'' His last word, her name, came out just as it did then.

She went down and kissed him violently. Because of his weakened state, he didn't kiss with the same strength as he usually did but she barely noticed. A smile slid on his face.

''Gods I love you, Keladry of Mindelan,'' he said, his voice a croak. His eyes were drooping.

''No!'' She screamed it in the dream, all of her mind slowly registering what was going to happen next.

This time she didn't get the mercy of losing consciousness. She saw him die, right there in her arms. She screamed and started shaking him, tears and panic in her eyes.

The scene when she first saw his body reenacted again, the background slowly morphing into the one in which she first saw his body.

''Wake up!'' she screamed, the first time he didn't stir. ''No, Dom! You have to still be... Dom, please... DOM!'' When he still didn't wake up, she went to her knees and sobbed, repeating what she had said even more desperately.

When she was dreaming, Neal had heard it. Her screams, ear-piercing and bone-chilling, woke him up immediately. He knew immediately that it was Kel. He didn't know why she was screaming at first, until she started screaming Dom's name. He had ran as fast as he could.

When he saw her, his heart wringed with pity and horror all over again.

He went to her bed, and rocked her shoulders. It took her a while to wake up. When she did, she went straight into his arms, sobbing.

''It wasn't just a dream, was it?'' she asked.

Neal didn't answer but he just rocked her, back and forth.

He did it in the same manner as with Shinko or Baird when they had nightmares. Only with them, he could tell them ''It's okay'', or ''It was just a dream''. With Kel, he couldn't say those things because neither of them were true. But he could tell her one thing he told them, ''I'm here, honey. I'm here.''

Piers and Ilane heard their daughter's shrieks, and came down as fast as they could, too.

Seeing her daughter in Neal's arms, she whispered to her husband: ''It must of been about him. But it looks okay now.''

Neal looked up at them and nodded, a silent ''everything's fine now.'' Kel didn't even notice.

All she noticed was the surprising strength and comfort Neal's arms provided her. They didn't take away all the demons but they took away enough for Kel to bear. When she was stopped crying, she looked up at Neal and gave him a small smile in thanks. He returned it, with one that said, ''you're more than welcome.''

He still held her and rocked her, until he saw that she fell asleep.

He carried her surprisingly light ( Dom's death is the reason for it, he thought as he realized this) body and set her down.

**Okay, guys so I finally got this out. I'm sorry I took so long. Anyway, I'd like to give Mrs. Dom Masbolle credit for giving me the idea for the ending scence( Neal comforting her from a nightmare). I got and anynomous review, title anynomous so I'd just like to say to whoever wrote it, thanks. I'll try to update as soon as possible. **


	8. Chapter 7 Distant Relations

Chapter 7- Distant Relations 

''There's a letter from Neal on the table,'' Owen's wife, Elemara informed him, ''it's date from about a month ago.''

Owen smiled a smile of relief- his friend was alive after all. Was Kel? he wondered. Maybe this letter would answer some questions, questions that had been turning in his mind ever since he heard of the battle.

Owen had confided with Elemara about his worry for his friends, the only ones from his page years he had still kept in contact with. She was glad to see his worry( which was uncharacteristic for him) resolve.

Only his shoulders tensed as he read on, and his face went grim.

Had the Lady Knight died? she had wondered. She knew this would upset Owen more than Neal's death would of. The news would upset her father, who had harbored a great respect for her when she had proved him wrong about lady knights.

Out of curiosity, Elemara looked over her husband's shoulder at the letter.

_May 4, 467 HE_

_Dear Owen,_

_This battle was the one of the most disturbing I have seen. We lost, quickly and at great loss. The contraptions are something to fear greatly, and they will be and even bigger battle in what I have just seen. More than ever, when I leave home for the battlefield, I will feel a sick sense of knowing that there is a reasonable chance I might not come back. _

_My cousin, Domitan of Masbolle was killed at the battle. He was already dead by the time I got to him. _

The writing was blurred with tears at this part.

_I was able to save Kel, though. She was by his side, unconscious when she was found, and half dead. She was his lover(she has said she was his fiancée, too. That they had just engaged before the battle), I discovered, and her reaction to his death has been... even more disturbing than the battle. And extremely heartbreaking. I knew she loved him( and he her)- everyone did( no one had the heart to report it, though)._

_To add to this, she is expecting his child. And she does not want to be a mother. _

_Owen, you do know that Kel has always been our pillar of strength. Well, I saw that pillar topple down right before my eyes. She just broke down. I know that statement is hard to believe. Before it, I have never even seen her shed a tear, in all the years I have known her. _

The writing at this part had no tearstains but was shaky.

_I am even more scared about the battle raging within her than I am about the battle raging with Scanra. I can understand her grief, but... Perhaps I am only so worried because I have never thought she could be that... I don't know, weak( that doesn't seem like that could be the right word but it's all I can think of). I knew one of the other knights, including myself( I knew I was) but I never thought she could. Writing this now, I can't help thinking how childish I sound. _

_Seeing her like that, and knowing what she feels like, I would do anything to make her better, anything. It rips me apart, seeing her like that. That said, I also want to walk away so I don't have to see her like that( but I would never do that).I will be the best friend I can be now, even though I'm not sure what that is. She found out how to help me so I must do the same for her. _

_Best Regards,_

_Neal_

_PS If I didn't mention this before- Kel went back to Mindelan to have the baby. She won't get the letters you sent to the Group. _

Owen couldn't believe the news in the letter. No, his friend wasn't dead but she... probably wanted to be.

He couldn't imagine if Elemara died. He'd probably be worse than Kel was right now. He loved her more than the world. He couldn't even think about it hypothetically.

Instead, he wondered about Kel. He only kept correspondence with her- he hadn't physically seen her in years. He wondered if she looked differently, if she acted differently, was just as beautiful. He had regretted not paying her a visit sooner, now more than ever.

---------

Meanwhile an urgent letter was being sent to a Rider named Tobeis Boon(nicknamed Tobe) by Neal. Tobe was saved by Kel, from an employer who wasn't giving him the rights he was legally entitled, too. Kel had virtually raised Tobe from then on, until he was old enough to become a Rider. Still, they were close and the news of Kel's plight disturbed him deeply. He was coming home as soon as possible.

---------

Baird of Queenscove didn't know the right words to say to his brother. He did himself feel sorrow for his nephew's death but none like the scale the boy's own father had. The father and son were very close, he knew, too.

''I'm sorry'' just didn't know what to say.

''Did that girl, Kel they called her?, know Dom's last words?''

''Probably,'' Baird answered honestly, ''she held him last.''

Baird turned away when he saw his brother's lips tremble and heard something like a whimper come from his throat.

''Liam...''Baird began, not really knowing where to finish.

His brother looked at him, tears in his eyes. ''I'm sorry for that,'' he said, ''how is this Kel doing?''

''She went back to Mindelan to have her baby. And she's a wreck. Neal's trying to make her feel better.''

''She was pregnant?'' The news was shocking beyond words, and it put a new depth to the situation.

''She didn't tell you? ''

''No.''

''Well, I'm not that surprised... She could barely even come to terms with it herself.''

Once again, Liam of Masbolle was forced to realized there was someone who was suffering more than himself from his son's death. And that someone, that girl, was even worse off then he thought.

He had to be there for this girl.

-------

When Roald heard the death toll from his father, he was in disbelief.

''Is Neal still alive?'' Shinko asked.

Neal and Shinko still kept in touch, even though Yuki( who was Shinko's lady-in-waiting and closest friend). His death would be a blow to her.

''Yes, I checked. His cousin isn't, though.''

''Oh. What about Kel?''

''Yes, Kel is. But she had to be removed for some reason... I think Father said it was because she was pregnant.''

''Oh, wow. Do they know who the father is?''

''Neal's cousin, it was rumored.''

''Oh Goddess...''

----

Even after 7 years of marriage to another woman, Cleon of Kennan still loved Kel.

It was his secret shame that he had confided to nobody, his one dirty little secret, the one thing that would utterly ruin his life if discovered. It wasn't honorable, wasn't decent, wasn't... anything good. But it WAS irrevocable- that he knew because he had tried to change that, tried to love his wife and not his first love, it still didn't work.

It made him wonder if Kel really was true love, and not a childish relationship like he kept telling himself. Or if that was only the case because it was the only real taste at romance he had.

A couple days ago, Kel's old knight-master was assigned to his troop, he was going to risk giving this secret away.

''How's Kel?'' he asked when he was alone with Raoul.

He wasn't prepared when Raoul gave his answer. So his Kel was happy with some other man- at a time- and did with him what he always dreamed of doing with her. That was bad enough. But the added thought of her unhappiness, her possible ruin, was just too much.

And then the secret spilled out. Somewhere along the line he said it: ''At least Kel was happy for a time. I haven't been happy since she was mine. I still love her after all these years.''

But Raoul only smiled sadly. ''I can see why, she was- is- a great woman,'' he said.

As he said this he was only thinking of seeing her, making sure she was okay( and praying that she was).

Even before her former boyfriend came up to him, her well-being was all he could think about. When Cleon did come to him, he knew he had no choice but to see her somehow. He knew that somehow he would have to visit her, even though he had a huge battle to think about.

If he didn't, he would never have forgiven himself, and he knew it. If she ended up ruined, he would be, too.

He left in the morning.

**I'm sorry if that was confusing but I felt it was necessary to include everyone, especially relationships I had forgotten about or neglected. If you didn't understand this is basically what you will need to know: **

**Dom's parents just found out she was pregnant, and are ready to help Kel and be there for their grandson. **

**Tobe and Raoul are both coming for Kel(though due to travel purposes won't be there for some time). **

**And people(Owen and Cleon, kind of Shinko and Roald) who have been out of Kel's life but have been affected by Kel might come back into her life/ get reconnected. They may also may be important. **

**So with that, thanks as ever, to my lovely reviewers. I really, really, really appreciate you all. Oh and I'm sorry about updating/ not reading your stories continually but I am really busy. Oh and I'm sorry about not reading LadyKnight0207's stories like I promised but...**

**I haven't read the Song of the Lioness quartet yet( which is basically what all her stories are on). I only just discovered Tamora a few months ago. **


	9. Chapter 8 Action after News

Chapter 8- Action after News 

''Daddy, Daddy!'' a little voice exclaimed as Neal pulled up into Queenscove. It was little Shinko and he came off her horse to embrace her. Little Baird hugged him, too, eagerly.

''I missed you last night, Daddy,'' Shinko told him earnestly.

''I missed you, too, Shinko,'' he answered.

''How is Auntie Kel?'' Baird asked.

''She's getting better.'' It was true slightly. She still had a _lot _of work to do healing-wise but at least she didn't get worse.

''Is she going to be okay?''

''Yes. She is, Baird. She's just not okay now.'' Neal tried to put in the certainty in his voice that he didn't feel.

''Hello, Neal,'' his father said, and embraced his son.

''Hi, Dad.''

His father's embrace was awkward and rushed. ''I have to tell you something I can't say in front of the kids.''

Neal nodded and shooed his children to their grandmother.

''Neal, I told Liam that Kel was pregnant,'' he said, ''I think he's going to tell Sanna, too.''

Neal opened his mouth in shock. ''Kel didn't tell them?''

''Apparently not.''

''But if she didn't then doesn't she have a right to tell them on her own?''

Baird didn't think about that. He considered it for a moment. Kel wouldn't of told them on her own- until the baby was born at least. Plus, Sanna and Liam had the right to be apart of their grandchild's life and to help Kel.

''They have the right to know,'' Baird answered after a moment of silence.

''I suppose they do.''

------

''She's pregnant?'' Sanna asked, making sure she had heard her husband correctly.

''That's what Baird told me,'' Liam answered.

''Oh Mithros...'' she said at first, not knowing what else to say.

Before Liam, Sanna had loved and gotten married to a soldier who had died in battle. He had left with one of his normal good-byes, kissing her lips and his infant daughter's head before he had left.

After he died, an already-widowed Liam married her out of pity and his son's need for a mother. She had agreed, knowing that her baby and her would starve any other way. She had loved Liam now, with almost all of her heart, but she hadn't when they married. She didn't know when the change happened, it just did.

She could understand Kel's situation.

''I know.''

''We're going to have to help her.''

''I know.'' Saying this, Liam had never been as sure as he was then.

-------

Owen had written to every one of his page friends about Kel.

He wasn't sure exactly what to do. Should he go and solace Kel? If so should he tell her he knows what happened to her? Get the friends he still kept in contact with and ask them what to do? Ask them to help him?

When he had told his father-in-law, Lord Wyldon of Cavall, Wyldon was utterly shocked. It was a shame to him that such a bright and promising page could get herself into such a situation. He hadn't known she could feel such profound emotion, but he figured then that that was the reason she so commonly wore her mask. But, he thought, that was what happened when you mixed personal and professional matters. That was what happened when you fell for a soldier. That was what happened when you loved and then utterly lost. That was what happened when there were lady knights.

------

Shinkokami decided to visit Neal, hoping he would take her to her childhood friend. Roald couldn't of course, his duties of being Crown Prince not allowing him to do so. He had asked his wife for news of his friend upon return, and she had promised it.

--------

When Ilane heard the knock on the door, she called to her daughter. ''Kel, I think it's Neal,'' she said. Neal usually knocked on the door around then, so that was a reasonable assumption.

Kel nodded and went over to the door.

''Hello, Kel, I'm Sanna, Dom's stepmother, '' the woman at the door said.

Kel looked into the woman's eyes. They were dark brown, and sad.

The sadness transformed the woman's face-(and Kel could tell that when she laughed the happiness transformed her, too).

The woman had a delicate face- small nose and mouth, round face- with black hair that framed it. It was a wise face, the face of one who loved deeply and lost multiple times. Kel could also tell that despite all the beauty and gentility in her face, this woman was very tough. She recognized this woman from the funeral, standing out in the bur of faces because she was sobbing almost as hard as Kel was.

It hurt to see her, and it hurt even more to see her say Dom's name and say it with such sadness.

''Oh, come on in, Bar...''

''Please, call me Sanna.''

''All right. Sanna, come on in.''

Kel put on the polite half-smile she used when she wanted to cover up her pain. Little did she know how much Sanna saw through that. Little did she know that she went through it, too, and just as badly.

When Sanna was inside, she put her hand on Kel's arm. ''Dear, I know you miss him. You don't have to fake that you're okay when I know you're not.''

The straightforwardness of the comment brought tears to Kel's eyes.

''I miss him, too. He's technically my stepson but I met him when he was only 3 years old. Losing him is like losing a son. And I confess, a month later and I'm not okay.''

The straightforwardness of this comment brought tears to Sanna's eyes, too.

In the next moments, Kel spent the time confiding things to Sanna that Sanna already knew.

Neither women noticed as another knock sounded through the door. Ilane did, and opened it.

''Come on in, Neal,'' Ilane said to the man she opened the door to, ''your aunt is with Kel right now but I'm sure they'd be more than happy for your company.''

-----

''Shinko, what a lovely surprise,'' Neal said as he opened the door, ''you didn't say you were visiting.''

''Sorry about coming here on such short notice- the decision to come here was sudden. Raold and the children say hello, by the way.'' Shinko replied.

''It's fine, I'm glad you're here. Oh and for Roald and your children- I say the same to them,'' Neal said, and then invited her in.

He waited until she was settled in and had greeted the family before he asked, ''Have you heard about Kel?''

Shinko was extra careful when she built up her ever-so-polite mask- and for the first time in a long time, she felt as if it were in danger of slipping.

She answered slowly, ''Yes, I did. I found out when I was inquiring whether she was one of the dead or not.''

''The reports could only of said she's out because she's expecting, and that my cousin was one of them. But did the report say that my cousin was her lover, and the baby's father? Or that Kel's an emotional wreck?''

The words ''emotional wreck'' made her uncomfortable, as it would most Yamani. And Neal's obvious concern did, too. But the years she had spent in Tortall, taught her that it was okay to show emotion- sometimes even necessary, like then. And years with Roald showed her that it worked out the same for going out of society's ideas of courtesy and ethics.

Reminding herself these lessons, Shinko let the mask slip and forced the discomfort away.

''Kel's an emotional wreck?'' she asked.

''Yes. I'm really scared that this will be the one thing that will destroy her.''

For a moment, Shinko wondered if she could face seeing her former friend like this.

Shinko didn't say anything, just let the mask fall some more.

''She really loved him, Shinko, like I loved Yuki. She helped me then, and I know I have to the same but... I just don't know how. If she can't get out of this... I don't know what I'll do.''

''Can I try to help you?'' she asked, the last of her mask falling completely at that question.

--------

Two riders in two different places were urgently riding toward the same place, for the same woman. One developed a relationship with the woman like that of a father, the other like that of a son.

That woman was in trouble. They needed to get to her, and fast. That was all they were able to think about.

I'll be there soon, Kel, each thought, I hope I get there soon enough.

As Raoul put another stick to fuel his fire, he had wondered how his almost-daughter was doing now and if he would like that answer.

As Tobe was climbing up on his horse, he had thought the same thing about his almost-mother.

-----

So Raoul had cared enough about Kel to abandon his duty, to be dishonorable.

The Own was too, for they had lied and backed up his excuse about why he didn't leave, while Cleon did nothing.

Cleon thought that thought with self- anger and condescension. He hadn't cared her enough to do that. He had left her, without even kissing her good-bye. He was too afraid of honor to do that, more afraid of honor than in love with Kel. What was he thinking?

Not only had he let the most perfect beautiful girl in the world go but now because of it, another man had gotten her( and gotten her pregnant) and fell, destroying her.

And that would of never happened if honor never got in the way.  
He picked up a rock and hurled it at the tree with all his might.

Was honor and the right thing even the same thing?

Should you listen to your heart, no matter how devastating the consequences were, or how much they could hurt other people?

Was it wrong not listening to your heart?

What was the right thing when no matter what you did, some one would get hurt?

For each painful question he didn't know the answer to, he threw another rock.

Then when the questions stopped, he panted heavily from exertion and suppressed sobs.

A tear fell down his cheek, and then another and another and another until, before he knew it, he was sobbing.

And he still had no idea what to do.

-----

''Oh Kel, I had to see you,'' Shinko said to her estranged friend, ''I was so afraid you were one of the fallen in the battle. And then Roald told me you were out because you were expecting. When I came here visiting Neal said...''

''Thank you for coming,'' Kel told her, ''boy, I haven't seen you since...''

''I know.''

''How's Roald and the children?''

''Good, thank you. My youngest, Genni learned her first word.''

''What was it?''

''Dada, of course.''

A small smile cracked on Kel 's face. That was Shinko's first word, too. Neal was ecstatic.

''How old is she?'' Kel asked.

''15 months old.''

The same time as Shinko. ''Impressive.''

The conversation went from there.

**Sorry I haven't been updating as much, firstly. I wish I could, because I love writing this. Secondly I have an idea for a story involving Aly's daughter, and how she makes a HUGE mistake( I can't tell you what it is), causing her to have to leave but she comes back 5 years later to try to make up for it( though a family has adopted her in Tortall). I don't have all the details sorted out yet but if they develop enough to start writing it I would( I have another one about Aly, too, though it's really lame). However, it would make updates for this longer. Let me know what you think, please. Third, for my reviewers- THANK YOU. Please keep up the reviews. I cannot say enough how much I appreciate them. For my anonymous ones- I have rushed through the author's notes so I neglected to give you guys a shout-out. But you deserve one( oh and for one of them entitled anonymous who wrote about longer chapters- this chapter was a lot longer). Anyway... please tell me what you think of this chapter and the story idea. **


	10. Chapter 9 One Step Closer

Chapter 9- Another Step Closer 

Kel found herself thinking of Dom again. Thinking about running her hands through his black hair and staring at his blue eyes. Her hands felt his black hair, and for a moment she closed her eyes imagined herself running her hands through it. She imagined kissing him, passionately and arduously, the kiss he gave he right when he was about to make love to her. She moved his fingers on his back and...Then she opened her eyes, and he wasn't there. He wasn't there, even though she could still feel her fingers on his back, his lips on her lips. Her heart broke all over again.

And Neal said time healed all wounds. Time didn't seem to be making a difference. She wasn't getting worse but she definitely wasn't getting better. Her moods just went violently up and down- ranging from slightly good, tolerable, agonizing or extremely agonizing.

The extremely agonizing moments- moments like this-were the moments when she swore that he would be there when she walked into the camp, or that he would be by her side when she woke up. The moments when she swore that they were still getting married, would have a future together, and would kiss and make love in the future more times than any great forces could count. And when she realized that wouldn't happen, when she remembered what happened... that was the worst. It was when it hit her so fast that she couldn't breathe, couldn't cry, the agonizing grief strangling her. She sobbed afterwards, until her day's tear supply were dried out.

''Kel, Neal's here,'' Ilane announced, pretending she couldn't hear her daughter's sobs( acknowledging it hurt too much).

Kel made herself stop the tears, and wiped the last two tears away( even though she still had much more tears to cry). She waited until her breathing returned to its normal, non-shaky rhythm.

''Coming!'' she called back, as she ran from her room to the door. Ilane went to do an errand so her daughter could have some alone time with Neal.

Neal was in the living room, and when he saw Kel, he smiled, until he saw that her eyes were bloodshot.

''Hello, Neal,'' she said, smiling a smile they both knew was fake.

''Hello, Kel,'' he said, ''another one of those days?''

''Those days'' was the code Neal had somehow established when she was thinking of Dom, and grieving all over again.

She nodded.

Neal went over to her and put his arms around her, as she sobbed.

When Neal went home the next day, after he was greeted by her and her brother, little Shinko told him, ''Daddy, I want to help Auntie Kel, too.''

Neal was hesitant. If he brought his daughter on one of the days Kel was having or going to have a breakdown, little Shinko would either have to see it or Kel would have to stay strong. ''Well, Shinko...'' he began lamely.

''Neal, I think it's a good idea,'' his daughter's namesake said, ''you know how much Kel loves the children. They would help her a lot.''

Neal's father voiced his agreement.

''What if...'' he began.

''I think it'll be fine, Neal,'' Shinko said, ''just Shinko, Kel will be acting very differently. She'll be very sad, and she might be crying, like you do when you're sad.''

''I know,'' the little girl said, '' she looked really sad. I never saw some one so sad. I don't want Auntie Kel to be that sad.''

The adult Shinko and Baird gave Neal an I-told-you-so glance.

''All right, you can help Auntie Kel,'' Neal said, ''your brother, too, if he wants.''

Little Baird nodded.

-----

Meanwhile, Raoul and Tobe were realizing that they were almost there( though Raoul was closer).

Each man felt a tightening of apprehension in their gut. Neither of them had no idea of what to come, or how they were going to handle what their mind created as the worst.

They just knew they had to be there, and when they were there they had to somehow solve it.

And with that thought, determination and love mixed with those feelings.

Each looked ahead with added will.

-----

The next day, Neal's children rode on the back of him, two hours from Queenscove to Mindelan. They did so, surprisingly, without complaint(Baird got restless easily and Shinko hated riding on a horse).

''Auntie Kel!'' they exclaimed, as she opened the door, each child taking a side of her and embracing it.

They had just made it one of her better days. She had missed them terribly- she hadn't seen them for she couldn't count how long, and that last time she couldn't feel the full joy she had usually felt seeing them.

She embraced them back, as tight as she could.

And then Neal saw it- a warm, almost-full smile that absolutely lit up her hazel eyes.

He hadn't seen a smile like that on her face for such a long time, that it made him smile like that, too.

So his father and Shinko were right- bringing the children was the right thing to do(and he wished he did it sooner).

Never was he so glad to be proven wrong.

''We're going to make you better, Auntie Kel,'' little Shinko said.

Little Baird nodded in agreement.

For a moment, a flicker of pain flashed on her face, and Neal had wondered, panic-stricken, if he had judged the situation too quickly. But then, her face went to back to the way it was before, and Neal had went back to his stream of thought.

''I'd like that,'' she said.

''Baird, Shinko, you did a very good thing today,'' Neal told them as he rode away from Mindelan, ''you helped your Auntie Kel a lot.''

''It was fun, being with Auntie Kel,'' Shinko said.

''Almost as if we weren't doing anything but the usual,'' Baird said.

''But you were,'' Neal said to them, ''you were doing so, so much. It helped your Auntie Kel so much. For that, I thank you.''

''You were right after all,'' Neal said to his father and friend, '' the children helped Kel after all.''

''We told you so,'' Baird said.

''How was she today?'' Shinko asked, being more careful with her Yamani mask.

''Better than ever. She actually smiled.''

Shinko said nothing but let a small smile show. Baird smiled, too.

''It's going to be a while until she's fully happy, though,'' Baird added, fearing his son was getting his hopes up too quickly.

''I know,'' Neal said, ''it took me a long time to be happy, too.''

-------

Around the same time, Owen decided he should visit Kel after all. He had missed his friend, and had wanted to visit her for a while.

Only now he had no choice but to visit her.

''Come home as soon as you can,'' Elemara said, ''and if your leg starts hurting again, take this.''

Elemara motioned to the healing remedy specifically made for her husband, giving it to him.

''Elemara...''

''Just take it,'' she said, ''you never know when it will start having spasms again.''

Owen opened his mouth as if to say something but he was at loss of words.

''I wish you the best of luck,'' she said, ''and I send my best wishes to your friend.''

''I'm sure she'll appreciate that,'' Owen said, a small smile on his face.

''I'll miss you,'' she said abruptly.

''I'll miss you, too,'' he said, the smile on his face turning sad.

Owen went to his children and kissed each of their heads, bidding good-byes to each of them.

Elemara grabbed him to his chest and kissed him.

''I love you.''

''I love you, too.''

His chest closed thinking of the time he would have to spend away from his family. But he had to do this.

''Good-bye, Owen.''

''Good-bye, Elemara.''

He got up on his horse, and rode away.

-------

Also at the same time, Cleon was listening to news brought to his troop.

Apparently they were finding out some new information about these robots. They were not quite the same as the ones 7 years before but very similar. How, Cleon didn't pay much attention, too. The information that was found by Keladry of Mindelan years before helped tremendously...

At Kel's name, Cleon's face took on a troubled look.

He still had no idea what to do.

But as the meeting rolled on, what to do became clearer and clearer.

He had to go to battle, and there was no way he could get around that not only honorably but legally, too. There was also no way he could see her in a way that wouldn't hurt his wife and children. The only way he could leave was an option he wouldn't and couldn't do.

Maybe the current stream of events was a sign from the gods that they wouldn't of worked out anyway, or that leaving wouldn't have, either.

**Hi guys! Okay, I would of gotten this out sooner but I:**

**1. Got an idea for another story that I had to write down. **

**2. Got writer's block( which I then worked on that other story for, so now it has 2 chapters). **

**Sorry. **

**On the bright side, I will be able to update more quickly since camp is over( though I won't be able to write on weekends). Because of my busy schedule, I neglected to write about the anonymous reviewers, which deserve just as credit for. I appreciate all reviews, anonymous or no( it's just that I can't really respond to those reviews and can't read the stories that author made for fanfiction). **

**Anyway, about that other story: it's called Telling Neal. A bunch of random oneshots that pop into my head randomly. Please check it out and tell me what you think( thank you, Kari of Mindelan for already doing so). **

**I can't guarantee when I'll update either, I'll just do my best. **


	11. Chapter 10 Ups and Downs

Chapter 10- Ups and Downs

He was finally there.

Cold dread oozed from his brain throughout the rest of his body. His body was almost paralyzed from it and knocking on the door, felt like he was cutting through a barrier more solid than air.

Second thoughts briefly consumed his mind, but he cursed himself and pushed them away. He had ridden miles, away from the training he was almost done( and would dearly have to make up, when he returned to it), and now he was going to turn back, his ride all for nothing. Like Kel was nothing. Like Kel was worth nothing.

Her name, the reason he was doing so much, the reason he had to do so much, the reason he couldn't back out, put courage in his veins. He would do whatever he could to help her, to not let her fall, and he _would_ succeed. He wasn't going to be a stupid, ungrateful coward, and let such a wonderful woman slip through the cracks, especially when he owed her so much. With that, he knocked on the door again( there was no answer the first time), this time making the knock more audible.

Ilane answered the door.

''Hello, Tobe, what a pleasant surprise,'' she said.

Tobe smiled a small smile. ''Hello, Baroness,'' he said, ''is Kel there?''

''Yes,'' Ilane said, and called for her.

When Tobe saw her, he was horrified.

Her clothes looked like they were just quickly strewn on- her shirt and breeches didn't match and were both wrinkled and dirty. One foot had a sock on it and the other foot was barefoot, like she was in the middle of putting her socks and forgot to finish, and her hair was knotted, like she forgot to brush it. She wasn't as muscular as she was when she last saw him, but incredibly thin. Worst of all, her cheeks were wet and her eyes were so bloodshot that he could barely see the flecks of white.

Her face was bleak and full of hopelessness and grief when she first came toward the door, but upon seeing him, she smiled.

Her smile was forced and pained. It broke his heart. If she was trying to cover up her pain, she was only showing it more.

''Hello, Tobe,'' she said, her voice Yamani-smooth, ''I missed you.''

''I's be missin' you, too, Kel,'' he said.

For a while, it was silent, and they just looked at each other. Slowly, her smile slid off her face, replaced by her mask, which was then replaced by a paroxysm of true emotion.

Tobe extended his arms outward and she walked over, extending her arms, too, and holding him tight.

Tobe could feel her knees grow weak. As they did, she tightened her embrace, as if she was holding him for dear life( and, noted with sadness, normally that would of suffocated him). As she did, he tightened his embrace, making it just as tight as her embrace was.

For a moment, she simply stood there, frozen. The anguish consumed her, paralyzing her again. Once again, she found herself realizing fully how much she missed Dom, and how she would never see his face again, or feel his hands trail slowly down her back, or his lips on her neck.

Slowly, it lessened a little, and she was able to cry. Her tears slowly transformed into silent sobs and from there, they turned audible, full-blown sobs.

Tobe said nothing, just pat her back as he felt her body shake violently against his and her tears soaked his shirt, feeling helpless to do anything else.

Thinking things is one thing, seeing them actually unfolding before you is quite another. There was no way he could have mentally prepared himself for the sight he saw, no matter how hard he tried. He stayed there, because he had to at least try- no matter how futile it seemed. He offered what he could, even though his mind was a million miles away- shocked, appalled and scared at what it saw.

''Tobe came today,'' Kel told Neal when he came later that day.

''He did?'' Neal asked.

Kel nodded. ''He did. It was nice to see him.''

''Where is he?''

''In town. But he'll be back by evening.''

''Oh,'' Neal said, ''I was planning to leave before then but I can stay...''

''Please stay,'' Kel said, her voice strangled with sudden emotion, ''I don't think I can handle another nightmare where Dom's taken all over again.''

Neal could barely react when tears suddenly started streaming down her face. But he was hardly surprised at Kel's sudden breakdown- he had seen it so many times he knew what to do next.

''Today was one of those days?'' Neal asked.

Kel nodded wordlessly and started to audibly sob.

As of routine, Neal embraced her and let her sob on his shoulder.

''You said it would get better, Neal,'' she said, ''it isn't getting better.''

Briefly, Neal was consumed by a flashback of his own. He was sobbing and Kel was holding him, as he said that he'd never be happy without Yuki at his side. At the time, he really thought that.

''It will get better slowly, Kel,'' he replied, '' but so slowly that you won't consciously know it.''

''Will it fade by the time the baby's here?'' she asked, looking up at Neal ''so I don't have to look at its face and sob every time I see its father?''

''I don't know, Kel,'' Neal answered, '' I didn't sob every time I saw Yuki in Shinko's face, or afterward, by the time I spent 9 moths with Yuki dead. If I didn't, I don't think you will. You're so strong, Kel, and so much stronger than me.''

Another knock came on the door that night. Another knock from another man.

''Raoul?''

Out of all the people to come knocking at Mindelan's door, Raoul was the last person Kel expected to see. She had missed him, too.

''Kel,'' Raoul said, ''I couldn't go to battle not knowing how you were.''

For a moment, the joy of seeing him overtook her. She went over to him and embraced him as hard as she could, and he did the same.

''You should be at battle,'' Kel said when she was done and the happiness faded back to sensibility, ''it's great to have you here but it means that you've…''

''I know,'' he said, cutting her off, ''but like I said Kel, I just couldn't go off in battle not knowing how you were.''

''How did you leave?'' she asked, ''you didn't just take off, did you?''

''No. The Own said I was sick, I think. Going home to heal. Don't worry- seeing you won't send me home to Traitor's Hill.''

''It better not,'' Kel said, ''come in, you must of had a long journey here.''

He did and then he began asking her the questions he had been yearning to ask.

''How are you?'' he asked.

A simple question, normally one with a simple answer. Not a question that made Raoul go down on his knees and pray to Mithros that it was a good one. Not a question in which a bad answer could ruin everything.

''I don't know,'' she answered, honest only because Raoul would know if she wasn't.

''What do you mean?'' Raoul asked, his concern mounting.

''I just don't. Sometimes the day is easier to handle than the one before- the pain isn't as great. Sometimes it's so great that I just can't function, I can't even cry. The pain never goes away, though. It's always there. It helps with Neal being here but...''

She paused, the agony she felt making it hard to breathe. Her full agony shown on her face and broke his heart, making it hard for him to breathe, too. He thought she was going to collapse in front of him, and she knew that if she did, there would be no way to hide how her agony broke his heart.

But she didn't. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment (as if she tried hard enough Dom would be standing right in front of her, smiling the smile saved just for her) and made her pain ebb to only a small smile.

''I'm sorry about that, Raoul,'' she said, noticing the deep concern and worry on his face, ''it's just really hard- today was really hard for me, especially. I just miss him so much- and I know I'm never going to get him back.''

''I know, Kel.''

The agony, and an almost anger swelled at the thoughtlessness of his words.

''No, you don't know,'' she said, ''and I would hope you wouldn't ever have to. Don't say that you do.''

Raoul flinched and when he did, she did too.

''I'm sorry,'' he said.

''I am, too.''

-----

At the same time, Cleon was preparing to go off to battle.

Everyone knew the stakes and the possible horrible consequences- they would all lose friends, squad members, and more hope. The chance that he would never go home to see his children and his wife again were high. And the chances of seeing Kel ever again- very low.

As he thought of this, he felt the urge to cry, sob, do anything but go off to battle.

But he couldn't.

He marched out to battle with a racing heart and mind that were anywhere but the battlefield.

And maybe that was the reason why when he was taken off guard and the robot got to him, piercing their poison in his body.

-----

That night, Kel had another nightmare.

Dom was holding her, and it felt like a good dream, until the robots yanked him away. He was smiling sadly and shaking his head, as she begged him to stay with her. Then he faded slowly in the distance, as they carried him. Somehow though, his body ended up in her arms, though, still and motionless.

Her screams shocked Tobe and Raoul when they came in the middle of the night, their slumber interrupted by it.

It didn't shock Neal, though, who was identified them right away and ran to her room.

He shook her shoulders and murmured her name, until she woke up.

When she woke up, the first thing she saw were Neal's eyes.

His eyes were like water was to a fire or water on drought-stricken land. The content of the dream very much still racked her being, just as a drought or a fire would still rage on despite the water. However, the eyes were the first sense of relief and they made a tremendous difference.

She let herself be taken by his embrace, and for a moment, she was motionless.

''They just took him away,'' she whispered, her voice horse with oncoming tears, ''those...those _things_.''

''I know,'' he said, ''they did.''

Then silent tears came so fast that in an instant, the part of his nightshirt that had her eyes on it was soaked.

When Tobe came in, he instantly understood and walked away before anyone could see him.

For some reason, he instantly thought of a younger version of himself comforting Kel from nightmares of a man who killed children and stole their souls (and who Kel later brought to justice).

''What's wrong?'' Raoul asked, when he went into the room and saw Kel sobbing on Neal's shoulder.

Neal looked up at him, giving him a silent I'll-tell-you-later look.

Raoul left the room worriedly and found Piers in the hallway.

''What's wrong with Kel?'' he asked, his concern showing in his tone.

Piers just smiled, his smile tired and sad.

''She had a nightmare again,'' he answered, ''but Neal's with her now, so I suppose she'll be alright. That's two nights in a row, though...''

''Does she have them a lot?'' Raoul asked.

''For me, she does,'' Piers answered, ''for me she has them too much.''

-----

While Kel was having her nightmare, Owen was having one, too.

He dreamed of Kel.

She was the same Kel he had seen as an 18-year-old, and she was kneeling over a fallen man (whose features, and rank were unclear in the dream).

Tears were in her hazel eyes, something he had never seen before in there.

She leaned her face against the man's body and he could hear sobs coming from her.

He called her name but she didn't seem to hear him.

He called her name again but still no response.

Then again and again and again, and always no response.

So he ran to her, ran with all his strength and agility but she only got farther and farther away.

When he could no longer run anymore, being as he ran as long as he could, she looked up, but didn't seem to see him.

The expression on her face was so sad and distant and resigned that it made him want to run even more, a desperate attempt to see that expression go away.

He tried to get up and run but he could barely walk much less run.

The body of the man slowly faded away, and that horrible expression on Kel's face only seemed to increase.

She went on her knees, her head in her hands, her swollen stomach bulging from under her.

Then slowly she faded away, too, despite Owen's screams to pleading not to.

**This chapter was up there with chapter 3 in length. Sorry it took longer to update- I really worked hard to get time to write, though! Anyway, I'm also working on Scenario 3 in Telling Neal, and a one-shot whose plotbunny I adopted from a plot auction. Please look at both and I'd really appreciate it(when I put them both up). Oh, and I'm going on vacation for a week, so it may be a while until I update(however I think I'll go crazy without writing for a week so I'm bringing my laptop and H-drive so who knows when the next update will be). **


	12. Chapter 11 Battle Raging

Chapter 11- Battle Raging 

After a couple more visits seeing Kel, Shinko knew she had to go back to Roald and her children. It had been two weeks, after all, that she had spent at Neal's seeing Kel.

''We'll have to keep in touch,'' Kel said, as she bid good-bye to her friend.

''Of course,'' Shinko said, ''it was stupid that we didn't do it last time.''

''Good-bye, Shinko.''

''Bye, Kel.''

As Kel watched her friend pull away, she knew she already missed her.

-----

While Kel was saying farewell, Cleon imagined he was greeting her. She was there, in front of him, smiling.

''Kel…'' he said, ''Kel…''

He slowly opened his eyes, and the light burned them. The headache it gave was excruciating, but it didn't matter because Kel was there.

''Kel…'' he repeated, his throat scratchy from not saying anything for so long, ''Kel…''

And she was there, her beautiful hazel eyes lighting up, she was reaching for him and…

''He's delirious,'' he heard a gruff voice say.

And then Kel faded, and the image of a healer rose in front of him.

His headache rose to a rate where he couldn't take the pain. He moaned in pain.

And suddenly, he realized that it wasn't just his head but everything hurt.

He yelled as all of the pain in the head rushed down to his body.

The healer continued to treat him, wordlessly.

It seemed that the healer was doing nothing, the pain was still continuing.

And the image of Kel still didn't appear. He wanted Kel to be there, with him, holding his hand. She would treat this pain far better than that healer could- she would treat the pain that his heart had for the past 7 years, from her absence.

He didn't remember that Kel was grieving for another man's death, that she was going to have his child, that she probably wouldn't feel the same feeling he felt for her, that he had to be honorable, or that Ermelian and his children would suffer if he showed his love for another woman. He just remembered Kel, and that he hadn't seen her for too long of a time.

So he screamed her name again and again and again, thrashing around from the pain of everything.

The healer stopped treating him, and murmured softly for him to stop but it didn't matter, so he still kept thrashing and screaming his name.

The healer called for help to keep him down, and help came, keeping him down as he still thrashed.

If he died, then and there, it wouldn't have mattered, as long as Kel was by his side once more.

So he kept screaming her name senselessly, hoping that maybe if he screamed her name long enough or loud enough, she really would be by his side again.

-----

''I already miss Shinko,'' Kel said to Neal when she could no longer see her.

''I know. I do, too,'' he said.

''Me three,'' said little Shinko.

''Me four,'' said little Baird.

Kel and Neal smiled. ''We'll see her again,'' Neal said to them, ''but right now Uncle Roald and Sar and Kally and Genni need her more.''

Little Shinko and Baird gravely nodded, and Kel and Neal passed smiling glances to each other.

When Kel woke up the next morning, she did so without bloodshot eyes or a sad and crackling voice.

All members in the Mindelan house smiled when they said ''good morning'' back with a smile that wasn't forced. And when she saw the joy that her (visible) normalcy brought them, she smiled back( which made them all happier).

When Neal came that afternoon with little Shinko and little Baird, he noticed it, too.

''Will Auntie Kel finally be better, Daddy?'' Baird asked.

''Will she, Daddy?'' Shinko added.

''I don't know, guys,'' Neal said, ''today's been good, really good actually, but just don't get your hopes up.''

-----

That same morning, Owen was waking up from the dream.

When he woke up, his heart still pounded rapidly. From fear or actual physical exertion, he didn't know.

He was panting heavily, and whether it was fear or exertion for that, he didn't know, either.

He forced his breath to a slow, reassuring himself that it was just a dream.

Being calm then, he realized his mat was soaked with sweat.

He got up and did his usual morning errands.

Only as he did so, the stark atrocity of the dream couldn't get exit of the mind.

It wasn't true, it isn't true, he told himself, each time a remnant of the dream reentered his mind.

He repeated that over and over and over, until he believed.

Even then a part of his mind wondered: but was it?

-----

''Dom loved sunsets,'' Sanna said, as Kel and her watched the sun set the next day.

''I know,'' Kel said, ''he made me love them, too. We used to…'' Kel's voice faded, as it grew sad.

''When Dom was a little boy, I told him that Mithros needed a nap from producing a light all day so that was why the Great Goddess came up at night and took over for him.''

Kel smiled sadly. ''Is that true?''

''I don't know,'' Sanna said, returning Kel's sad smile, ''I made it up. I told him that if Mithros was sleeping then he should, too.''

Kel's sad smile increased.

Then they both shared a silence that was loud with loss and grief

''You're going to have to go back, Neal,'' Baird said, as Neal opened the letter a couple of days later.

''No, I can't,'' Neal insisted, ''Kel…''

''You knew this day would come eventually.''

''Kel would understand if you went back.''

''Yeah, I guess she would, but I wouldn't.''

''She would insist upon it.''

''Yes, but that still wouldn't make me go.''

''Not going would not only be a disservice to your country, it would be treason.''

''Dad…''

''I'm only telling you the truth, son.''

Neal bit his lip in frustration that was now beginning to rapidly. He didn't know what to say to that. His father _was _only telling the truth.

''Your head would end up on Traitor's Hill and it would just make everything worse, including her well-being,'' his father continued, noticing his son's speechlessness, ''you can't just be thinking about yourself now. There's Baird and Shinko, for instance. If you were to end up on Traitor's Hill, they would end up orphans.''

His father brought a point. A point that tore and pained him. If he didn't go, if he would stayed with Kel, if he ended up on Traitor's Hill his children would be hurt.

His gut told him that going would be the wrong thing to do. Something within him _knew_ he had to stay. It wasn't just his desperateness to have his friend back.

What would Kel do? he wondered, if she was in his place?

She would stay with him, and find a way not to hurt the ones she loved.

''I have to do this,'' he said, ''I just do, Dad.''

''You _can't_ do that,'' Baird insisted, ''look, I know you want to help Kel but you've helped her the best she can. Now you have to help your country out. Tortall needs you just as badly.''

''You're telling me I have to leave her behind.''

''I know that Neal but this is...''

''I know what this is!'' Neal was screaming by this point, '' I know that Tortall is my country, but Kel's my best friend! I can't leave her behind, when she helped me so, when I know she would never_ me_ behind.''

Then, before he knew it, he was running away from his father, opening the door to the outside and slamming it with a heavy bang. In the next conscious instant, he was tacking up his horse and riding to Mindelan.

He didn't notice his father calling his name over and over and over, or the pained tone in those calls that increased when he got no response.

''Kel!'' Neal exclaimed when she answered the door, ''Kel.''

''What is it, Neal?'' she asked worriedly.

Wordlessly, Neal hugged her tightly, his fear that he may never see her again or that he may never see the old Kel again( or that he would see a irrevocably ravaged Kel) consuming him.

''Neal?'' Kel asked, when he didn't answer, more worry entering her voice when he didn't answer.

He didn't, couldn't, answer that time, either, only tightening his embrace.

------

Faleron got Owen's letter around that same time.

Upon seeing the letter, his face grew grim.

He knew instantly that there wasn't anything he could do about the situation described to him. There was a battle that had to be fought, and he had to fight in it.

In frustration at this inability(added with fear of the battle to come) he tore the letter to pieces and stomped on the pieces repeatedly.

Many who got a letter from Owen got it soon after Faleron and had the same reaction.

**Hope you liked this. If it weren't for my H-drive, you would probably just be getting Chap. 10! I'm trying to update everything ASAP. With school approaching in a week, updates will probably be much slower. Sorry about that but it's not like I actually WANT to go back there. On the bright side that probably won't be a real issue until a couple of updates in the future. Please review, it really does help me to update much quicker, and thank you, thank you, thank you to those who already do. Also if you haven't already, please check out the other story I'm working on called ''Telling Neal''. I'm almost done Scenario 4 for that and will also have it updated ASAP. **


	13. Chapter 12 News, Reunions and Farewells

Chapter 12- News , Reunions and Farewells

''We need to get all of the troops we can gather,'' a courier told the king, ''this war is getting dire, Your Majesty, despite the discoveries we are making.''

''How many have we lost?'' Roald asked.

The courier gave the number, and Roald gasped.

''This is going to be a very hard battle to fight, Your Majesty, very hard,'' the courier said.

-----

While this was going on, Cleon was standing in front of Kennan, about to approach it. Instead of killing him, like they almost did, his battle wounds permanently crippled him, making him unable to go to battle ever again.

He was thinking about seeing Ermelian and his children again, and how that would feel after so long away from them. He was thinking about being on the land he so missed. He was thinking about what would happen now that he couldn't go out in battle, now that he was crippled.

But most of all, he was thinking of Kel.

He was thinking how he could visit her now, and it wouldn't be dishonorable. In fact it would even be considered a good thing, a thing he could hide with apparent innocent intentions.

He tried to think of reasons that would make it dishonorable, because that reason would hurt less than the other reason.

The other reason... It hurt thinking about it. The reason was that if he went over to her, he would want to do dishonorable things, and that temptation would overcome him and he would try to. His worst fear wasn't that he would do the dishonorable things, but that when he tried to she would stop him and tell him things weren't the same as they were 7 years ago. That she didn't love him anymore.

As soon as the reason popped into his head, he tried to banish it from his mind.

But as Cleon pulled up to Kennan, that was all he could think about.

------

Neal came over Kel's house more than ever, since the letter. He had received another letter, a more urgent, commanding letter, requesting him to fight. Neal ripped it to pieces when his father handed it to him and afterward they got into another fight.

He hadn't told Kel about the letters coming in, requiring him to go out to service, because he hadn't wanted her to worry and because he hadn't wanted to think about it.

He just smiled his usual smile at her when he entered, and she smiled her usual smile.

But he could not keep pushing away the inevitable, he knew, and told himself this constantly. Despite this knowledge, he could not bring himself to tell her. These two factors always hung on the back of his mind every time he saw her, to a point where he was sure it was showing.

That day, he came, prepared to tell her the truth.

But when he got there, she was sobbing again, worse than she had ever been lately, and he couldn't.

But when he got back to Queenscove, his father jammed another paper in his hand.

''Neal, you can't do this anymore,'' Baird said, ''it's gone on long enough, but now the risk is really getting high.''

''Dad I can't...''he began.

''Neal, this is serious,'' Baird said, interrupting him.

''The issue with Kel is serious, too,'' Neal said, ''we've been through this before, haven't we?''

''Neal... you just have to go there,'' Baird said, '' there isn't a choice. Seriously.''

''No, I'm still not going out there.''

''If you don't....''

''If I don't what? You'll send me up to my room?''

Neal's sarcasm made him even more annoyed and he answered flatly, ''No, I'll tell Kel.''

Neal could tell he was serious and he blanched.

''No, you can't do that,'' he said, his voice completely serious now.

''I'll do what I have to, Neal.''

-----

He was planning to go over there the next morning. That morning, when Kel was getting dressed, she noticed something.

Her stomach wasn't flat anymore. There was a slight bump to it, a curve.

She could feel something in her moving, swimming, squirming.

A warrior, she thought as she felt it kick, just like its father.

She expected this thought to make her heart bleed again, along with the fact that the bump made the baby's presence, and her looming responsibilities, even more impossible to forget.

But as she felt and thought about the baby, she felt a strange feeling grow in her chest. The same feeling she felt when she looked at Tobe or little Baird or little Shinko. It was something so consuming and strong that it took her by surprise.

She loved this baby. Just as she loved Tobe and little Baird and little Shinko.

This thought invoked another thought, too. Even though she was going to raise her baby without its father, she was going to raise it and she would be fine. Because she loved this baby, and that was enough to overcome any other obstacle she might run into.

She smiled, and felt some small, strange, foreign sound come from her throat-was it a laugh?- as she put away her loose-fitting shirt and breeches for a tight-fitting dress.

When she was fully dressed, she put her hands on her stomach, stroking it and coddling it, still smiling.

She heard the door knock, and knew it was Neal. But what was Neal doing so early? she wondered, Wait or is he here on time and I just slept in?

No matter, she thought, it only means I'll get to tell him sooner.

When she answered the door, and saw Neal's face, her happiness dimmed with concern. Neal noticed this and felt immediately guilty.

''What's wrong?'' she asked.

''Um... I have something to tell you,'' Neal began.

''I have something to tell you, too.''

''Alright, you first.''

''I think I love this baby. I never thought I would, but I do. And the prospect of being a mother doesn't scare me as much as it used to.''

The smile she smiled was real and true, and purely happy. It was a smile that came on its own, without any assistance from Neal. And I am going to be the one to take it off of her face, Neal thought, after all the time I tried to put it there.

''I knew you would, Kel,'' Neal said.

Her smile grew( even though he thought it was the biggest it was going to get), and she even laughed slightly.

Her laugh was music to his ears, and it filled him with happiness.

''So what was your news?'' Kel asked.

Immediately, Neal's happiness turned to guilt.

He didn't want to tell her, and if that were any other moment he would have pushed what he had to tell her aside. But his father's threat rang clear in his mind, and it left with no choice. If he didn't tell her, his father would, and that would make it even worse.

Reminding himself of this, he opened his mouth and tried to tell her.

No words could come out.

Kel's smile vanished, and was replaced once more with concern.

''What is it, Neal?'' she asked.

''I...'' he began, ''I have to go back.''

''Back where? Home? You can just...''

The nonchalance of this suggestion only hurt him further.

''No, Kel,'' he said, ''I mean back into... The Crown keeps contacting me...''

''Oh,'' she said, with disappointment that cut into him hard.

She put on her Yamani mask, something that she hadn't used on him for a long time and that cut him even further.

''Why didn't you tell me earlier?'' she asked.

''I didn't- don't- want to go,'' he answered, ''and I didn't want to tell you because... it would make you upset and I didn't want to talk about it and....''

She didn't say anything, and even her silence pierced him.

''I'm not going,'' he said, even though he knew he had to and already decided to accept that.

''That's ridiculous, Neal,'' Kel said, ''you don't have a choice. If you don't go, you'll be committing treason.''

For the first time since Neal started coming to see her, she felt worse rather than better. Neal and her had argued horribly.

Both could see the emotion written across the other's face, and that made it all harder. He could see the pain and disappointment on hers and she could see his guilt and determinedness to stay with her.

After he left, she could feel tears come silently down her cheeks and that was the first time in months she cried over anyone but Dom.

Neal came over the next morning to say good-bye.

Her eyes were swollen from crying, but all other evidence of a breakdown were gone.

Her face wasn't plastered with a Yamani mask, but with a fake smile. Maybe she caught onto the fact that a Yamani mask gave away just as much as an actual expression does, he thought.

''Kel, please don't fake a smile, not now, not after all of this.''

The smile wavered, and then cracked, before shattering in the face of tears.

''I'm not going to break down right now,'' Kel said, tears pooling in her eyes and silently falling down her cheeks.

''Kel...'' He couldn't think of anything else to say- there were no right words.

''Neal you're the best friend anyone could ever have,'' Kel said, ''I'm not going to make you go off to war feeling more guilty than you already do. I'm really sorry for..''

''No Kel, I'm sorry,'' Neal said, ''I should...''

''No, we don't need to start this again,'' Kel said.

And then she reached out and hugged Neal as hard as she could.

''I'll miss you,'' she said, her voice shaky with repressed sobs.

''I'll miss you, too,'' Neal said, trying to repress his own desire to cry, too.

He hugged her back, and held her for a long time. For a moment, he took in everything about what made Kel his friend, what made Kel Kel. He took in her eyes, her face and expression on it, the way it felt to hug her.

Then he wordlessly walked out the door, tears streaming down his face.

**1. I am sorry I took so long to update. But I just started middle school( my school starts in 7th) and all so... It will take about 2 weeks for an update from now on. Sorry. **

**2. I know you hate me for what just happened but trust me when I say everything is going to work out. **

**3. I'm almost done the 5th scenario in Telling Neal. I should update it by tomorrow. **


	14. Chapter 13 LifeChanging Individuals

Chapter 13- Life-Changing Individuals 

Neal hated himself every minute he rode. He hated everything, actually. He hated himself, he hated his situation and the people who caused it, he hated this war and everything that happened because of it. He hated how slow his horse was going, how slow it seemed to take to take him to his deathbed( he had no confidence of surviving the war). He hated the very ground he walked on, and how the barrenness and hollowness of it seemed to reflect his insides.

That barrenness and hollowness was a gaping hole inside of him, eating him raw.

He hated that, too.

-----

Kel felt more empty than ever that same morning. She tried to pretend that she was alright for her family but everyone saw right through it.

Tobe had to go back to training, and he said goodbye to her on a heavy heart, just as scared for her as when he first saw her.

Owen came that morning. She would have been happy to see him, just as she would have been happy to see any of her other old page friends but now she felt too empty to feel happy.

Owen saw that emptiness and was alarmed.

''I heard and I..'' he said when he knocked on the door.

Kel managed a small smile. ''Thanks for coming,'' she said, her voice sounding inhuman and lifeless.

Owen forced a small smile also, one that was almost as distant and fake as her own. ''I couldn't do nothing while my friend was hurting,'' he said.

Was? Kel thought, is.

''Come on in,'' she said, still maintaining her false smile while screaming on the inside, ''we have a lot of catching up to do.''

As Owen went in, he couldn't help but wonder what happened to the invincible lady knight he saw last.

-----

When Cleon woke up that morning, he decided to take a walk. He had dreamed he was seventeen again and kissing Kel once more. He joked to her about taking her virginity away and she had said yes. She took her anti-pregnancy charm and put it around her neck. In an instant, both of their breeches were off and on the floor and they were about to make love. Then… everything changed and he was now watching Kel do the same for…_Neal_.

The dream staggered him out of his sleep, panting. Ermelian was sleeping beside him still, unaffected by his nightmare.

It was then he realized that his decisions weren't working, and that he was dangerously close to doing the dishonorable.

He didn't know what else to do besides that. He knew that he needed to make this decision with a clear mind( something he hadn't had the opportunity to do in months) and that was when he decided to take a walk.

This was harder than it used to be, considering his paralyzed right leg.

But he had to think, and he had to do so with a clear head which around Kennan always gave him.

Somehow he got out the door, despite falling various times.

The fresh air felt good to his eyes and his being.

He tried to keep his emotions from clouding his head as he thought of his issues (or issue).

It was obvious that ignoring his attraction wouldn't work. Somehow Ermelian would discover it (especially if he kept dreaming as he did).

What else should he do then? Go and just cheat on Ermelian( or try to)?

Go to Kel and see if he truly still loved her? Admit his feelings to her if he did, even if they weren't returned?

Simply be honest with Ermelian with the secret he had been holding for years?

He knew the third option was probably the smartest but he didn't know where he would get the courage to do it. Oh the shame, once he told!

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he saw Kel. Maybe if he saw her he would discover that she wasn't the same woman he knew at eighteen. He could be at peace, finally. But that was only a possibility.

The other possibility was that he still loved her and that his heart would shatter at the fact that she moved on. Or it would be shattered at seeing her in the state that she was in.

Wait, that's the better option, he thought to himself.

Kel wouldn't tell Ermelian and he would be opening up to what he had bottled up inside.

It was how painful and risky that would be that stopped him in his tracks once more. He hid that with other excuses that he convinced his conscious mind with.

In his thoughts, he didn't notice the rock in front of him and tripped.

This caused for a stumble down the hill he was walking on.

As he stumbled, he could feel the sticks and stones on the path bruise his being as he fell on them.

When he landed, he was in the commoner's village. His cane was back where he tripped.

He tried getting up. His body was sore from the cuts and bruises he received falling down the hill, and it felt like his muscles were on fire. It would be hard getting up without all the bruises but with them…

So he just sat there and struggled, looking like a crippled idiot.

The villagers just stared at him momentarily, some jeering, some shocked, some pitying. He heard some murmurs, but that was the most action that was taken. Their stares burned through his skin and their murmurs burned his ears. He pretended he didn't feel either go through to his mental being.

''What are you doing just staring at him?'' an angel's angry voice demanded, ''it's obvious he needs help.''

He turned to the source of the voice.

She was a young woman, about eighteen or nineteen, with chocolate brown hair and eyes the color of a clear blue sky. Her features were delicate, but the scar on her jaw proved a tough streak.

''Here, Lord, help me lift you up,'' she said, those clear blue skies of eyes kind and concerned.

She held a calloused, but nevertheless beautiful, hand.

He held out his hand, accepting the help, his eyes locked on her eyes.

Her touch stirred a feeling in him that he hadn't felt in a long time.

''Call me Cleon,'' he said, not focusing on his words.

''Alright, Cleon,'' she said, smiling, ''I like the sound of it.''

''What's your name?'' he asked.

''Rachelle,'' she answered, ''Rachelle Golden.''

He beamed. This Rachelle was stealing his heart, as he thought Kel had all those years ago.

While Cleon walked and later talked to Rachelle, Owen was facing Kel and the devastation Dom's loss had.

''I haven't seen you in a while,'' Owen said.

''Yeah, about 6 years,'' Kel said.

Owen smiled, and Kel forced a pained attempt of one.

Owen put his hand on hers. ''I'm here to help you Kel…'' he said, ''I haven't seen you in a while but only a complete idiot couldn't see that.''

Kel put on a smile again, but she could feel that smile crack and shatter. She didn't want to cry in front of Owen, so she put on the mask.

''Oh Kel, you still use that?'' he asked, his question-mark eyebrows sticking out more than ever.

She didn't answer, but felt her eyes swim with tears.

Owen looked at her in shock (he never saw her cry and seeing her cry was incredibly shocking).

First the death of Dom, then the leave of Neal, now this masquerade of happiness…

She didn't feel like putting it on anymore.

So she turned her head and let the tears fall silently down her face.

''Kel…'' he murmured, going to her.

She shook her head.

''No, no, no…''

''Kel?'' She could hear his voice flood with hurt.

''They both can't be gone,'' she sobbed.

Owen's face transformed into understanding behind her.

''Kel...''

''No, no, no...''

He put his arms around her. She didn't push them off, like he thought she would. She just tightened, and stood there motionless.

The realization of the broken woman she now was slowly began creeping into Owen's consciousness.

No, no, no.... His thoughts were the same as the word she said.

With realizing Kel's true state, Owen didn't realize the full extent of Kel's words.

_They both can't be gone. _

He knew about Dom but who was the other man? And who was that man to Kel? He asked these questions to himself later that night, over and over and over again. The answer was going to prove to be vital information in explaining Kel's behavior, he knew.

----

''This will prove to be useful information,'' George Cooper, Tortall's spymaster said, reading the information one of his spies gave him.

''Yes,'' the spy said, giving off a smug grin, ''it may even make us win the war.''

A sudden thought of Alanna, his wife and Tortall's very first lady knight, came into his mind. She would be coming home, if that were the case. ''It just might,'' he said, beaming, ''well done.''

The spy's smug grin grew.

**Guys I know this has been almost a month since my last update and I'm really, really sorry for that. Tons of homework, and a long day. I really am doing the best I can, though. Please keep reading, despite. Oh and reviewing. I noticed a decrease in reviews and was a little concerned… Should I be? Is there something I could improve on? Please tell me if so. **


	15. Chapter 14 Hesitations

Chapter 14- Hesitations 

They were about to do it. They were about to win. The King could feel it. This information was going to bring them down. Despite all the losses and sacrifices, Tortall was going to win.

A smile spread across his face, as the news was relayed to him.

Yes, they would win.

----

While the King was hearing the news, Cleon was thinking of Rachelle.

He tried thinking of other things but.... It didn't matter what his sense was screaming. Her beautiful blue eye bore into his mind, making him lose all trace of sanity. Honor and dignity and Ermelian didn't really matter much because it didn't uphold to her. He couldn't convince himself those things mattered as he could with Kel.

He wondered if he was ever going to see her again, when the next day he did.

''Oh Master Cleon is fine,'' he heard one of his servants say, ''just a little bit scratched up. And you're the young lady who rescued him?''

''Well nobody else was...'' she began.

''Rachelle?'' Cleon asked, shocked. He knew that heavenly, beautiful voice could only be hers but he was surprised she was back. He hobbled to the door so fast, he had several near-trips.

''Cleon?'' she asked, smiling, ''how are you? He says you're doing well.''

''I am, thank you,'' he said, trying his best to hide the reaction she gave him, ''I only got a few scrapes but nothing serious.''

''I'm glad that it was only that,'' she said, smiling a smile so radiant that it took his breath away, ''you could have broken some bones.''

''Yeah, I could have,'' he said, grinning like an idiot. For a moment, he couldn't say anything, feeling like his heart was about to climb out of his throat and spew all over her.

''I'm glad you didn't.''

His little crush was going to get too obvious. He forced his mouth to move and say something, even though it felt cut off from his body. ''Thank you for saving me again.''

''I couldn't have let you just struggle there,'' she said, her voice face growing serious, ''I'm surprised that everyone else could. You're kind to us, and that's no payment for your kindness.''

Cleon was speechless. ''Thank you,'' he said dumbly, after a while.

Rachelle's beautiful smile returned. ''No need to thank me,'' she said, ''it's true.''

Staring at Rachelle's smile brought a smile to his face, too. He couldn't even look at her eyes for they made his already- weak legs watery and even weaker than they were.

All of the sudden, he realized he hadn't even asked her to come in. It was blazing outside, too.

''I haven't even invited you in,'' he said, ''that was incredibly rude of me, sorry.''

''Actually I should get back now,'' she said, ''Liah should be waking up from her nap soon and I have a ton of work to get done. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.''

''Will you be back again?'' Cleon couldn't help asking.

''If you want me to,'' she said.

''I do,'' Cleon said, trying to take the lust for her out of his voice but failing.

''Then I'll be back,'' she said, smiling a radiant smile once more, '' goodbye, Cleon.''

''Bye, Rachelle.''

Then he felt his heart wrench in guilt as she closed the door. He was worrying about Kel a few days ago and now he was worrying about Rachelle.

She probably doesn't like me anyway, he kept telling himself, and it's wrong to love another woman besides your wife.

She probably doesn't like me like that anyway. And it isn't honorable to think those things.

Little did he know, as Rachelle was walking back toward town, she was thinking the same thing.

_He probably doesn't like me like that anyway. And it isn't honorable to think those things. _

-----

Was it the time to quit? Time to give up on her, on the pondering? Through the next couple of days, the couple of days that Cleon and Rachelle meanwhile were fighting their love for each other, Owen was desperately trying to decipher Kel's cryptic explanation for part of her sorrow.

So Kel wasn't the type of woman to have two lovers at once, was she? No, Kel would never do something like that. And besides, Kel had made her grief known about only one of them- she could easily hide who the other man really was with the description of ''friend''. Nobody would second-guess her. Kel was the type who could make friends easily and with anyone(that was decent anyway. Which took out all the chauvinist enemies she had during her page years), so it was very believable.

She couldn't change so much over the years to become like that, could she? Yet again he never thought she could shatter like this, so maybe he didn't know her well enough to make that judgment. But shattering and cheating were two different thing, to think she capable of committing such a sin was ludicrous.

But both? Who was the both? Maybe it was a friend, after all. Maybe people only saw the grief she suffered for her lover, but didn't see the grief she carried for a friend who happened to die afterward. But he heard of none of their page friends' deaths luckily, but maybe she made another friend on the job that she cared about.

This thinking was too complicated, he thought. He was never the sharpest knife in the drawer( which earned him his useless leg in the first place). His mind wasn't meant for such deep thinking. Part of his mind came upon this conclusion, and then the questions. This especially hit him at night, and all he could do is stay in that damn state of indecision and uncertainty. Right before he'd go to bed, he always thought that he had made the decision to leave the morning would come and he would see her... And he knew he couldn't give up on her, that he had to try harder.

He was getting way over his head, that much he knew.

----

He was almost there. He was almost there, to the post he would briefly stay at until he fought.

He didn't care, couldn't care. He could only think about what he was leaving behind. His children, Kel...

If Kel ended up ruined from his absence... he would never be able to forgive himself. If she was never be able to move on, he would never either. Dying at war would be better than seeing an emotionally dead Kel.

So as Cleon was falling for Rachelle, and Owen was wondering about who was the other person in the ''both'' Kel described, Neal was about to go to the very thing that ripped him from what he loved the most.

-----

A little after all this, Tortall was planning to invade Scanra, in an attack that would ultimately win or lose them the war. However confidence was high that they would win.

All of the old page friends of Neal and Kel and Cleon and Owen were going to see their wives and children once more. They would fight the last battle of the war, before they would finally go home.

And Neal, he wouldn't have to fight at all, because the battle would be over before he could go over and fight it. And once he would go over to fight it, it would be over. And then, after that, he could see Kel again.

He didn't know that, though.

**Okay, so I know this chapter is shorter than usual so sorry. I just couldn't think of anything else to add, and I wanted it done. Sorry that I updated the next scenario in Telling Neal so much quicker... but I didn't work on the next scenario of that until I was done this so... Hope you liked it. Will update the next chapter as soon as I can. **


	16. Chapter 15 Pasts and Discoveries

Chapter 15- Pasts and Discoveries

Rachelle looked at her daughter's sleeping form, and ruminated.

She thought about the little girl's father, and Cleon.

She knew that Cleon probably didn't love her back- how could he? He was a nobleman, seven years older, and he already had a wife. What she didn't understand was the twinge of hope she still felt despite all this, and that, despite how she reminded herself of all of this, she couldn't stop her love for him. Despite all the reasons that would make a love affair with him immoral, they weren't the things that screamed the loudest in her head.

Rachelle originally grew up on a fief called Stone Mountain. There the commoners had to work hard and give most of their earnings to a cruel lord. The people were desperately poor, including her parents. She was the eighth child of twelve children and always hungry. She didn't like being at home- home meant twelve other bruised faces and one always distorted in rage & hopelessness, plus almost always bruises and broken bones on her own.

She didn't know that the lord of Stone Mountain was really the cause of most of her strife, because he was always so kind to her. He favored her out of all of her siblings and townschildren( she didn't know then that it was because he was really her father). She was taught along with all of his other children( her family didn't notice her absence), and because of it her grammar was as good as any other noble's. Seeing her, you wouldn't know she was a noble.

His children became her friends, except the one named Joren. He was the only one that was cruel to her, calling her a common bastard and a bitch. He used to tease and torment her, and that hurt and toughened her beyond words. It was only when the lord saw him that it stopped. After that, he never teased her again( though he did glare at her at every opportunity). The next day she saw him with the same bruised face that her father gave her and her siblings. He deserved it, she thought. The lord of Stone Mountain wasn't like her father, he knew kindness and didn't give punishment randomly, he only gave it when it was deserved( like with Joren).

She wasn't upset when he had to leave to become a knight, like she was when his older and brothers left. One by one, each noble child of Stone Mountain had to leave to join the palace( to become a knight) or to join the convent( to become a noblelady). That was when she truly felt like a commoner, and out of place with nobility.

Around that time, her father got worse, causing her mother to grow more distant and more lost. She felt all alone, without anybody to turn to.

That was until that day with the lord. She was visiting him, and they were talking until....

''Rachelle, he has no right to mar such a beautiful face,'' he told her, using the same words to seduce her that he used on her mother fifteen years before, ''It, you, are so beautiful- the most beautiful woman I have ever met.''

He then cupped her face in his hands and kissed her like no boy had ever kissed her before. Somewhere along the line, her ugly commoner clothes and self and virginity were given away to him, lost, never to be seen again. She was fourteen.

He made her feel so good, wonderful, loved. Afterwards, she felt dirty. He was so much older, and he had a wife, and he felt like a father to her... But when he was doing it, when her was loving her... she felt the complete opposite. She didn't want to be like that with him but she felt she had no choice. Refusing him would be refusing the only love she ever got.

She was fifteen when she found out she was pregnant. She guessed she should have used a charm, but she never thought about it( and there was no way for her to earn money for one) and he had never given her one.

When she told her father, he beat her so bad that she still had the scars from it, and told her that he wouldn't have another brat walk his house. She expected that. She was taken to a healer, and was told that she didn't miscarry the baby like she thought.

She thought the lord would understand, but when she was at the healer's that night, he told her with cold blue eyes that he couldn't support the baby and that she had to leave.

So she left, pregnant, heartbroken and penniless, reconsidering everything she learned at Stone Mountain.

She was sixteen when she had the baby. She would have died, if some kind midwife took pity on her and took her in for free.

She named her daughter Liah, after the midwife, and unexpectedly was given more love from her than she had ever had in her life. It was her daughter that made her determined to get by somehow, and it was then that she found Kennan and lived there.

Now, she was in love with another lord, one that was also older than her, had a wife and was special to her( though not nearly as much).

-----

As Rachelle thought of her past, Owen was getting closer to who the ''other man'' was. He found out by means of Ilane, in a conversation in which he was inquiring a possible way to make her feel better.

''I've been trying everything,'' he said, ''I heard others have, too. She must have loved him a lot. It seems as if nothing can make her feel better.''

''That she did,'' Ilane said sadly, ''but... the last thing you said, about nothing making her feel better... That isn't- or I guess now wasn't- true.''

''Something made her feel better?'' he asked, ''what?''

Ilane sighed. ''Yes, for a while. I suspect he would have made her even better by now. Maybe as good as she once was, or pretty close.''

''He? As in...''

''Oh no! Of course not. She couldn't have gotten over Dom that quickly. She still isn't over Dom. Neal and Kel are just friends.''

''Neal?''

''Yes. Neal. You knew him from page years, didn't you? Weren't you all friends?''

''Yes, we were. Neal was here?''

''Yes, he was. You just missed him when you came.''

''Where is he now? Why isn't he here with Kel?''

Ilane sighed again. ''He had to go back to war. They made him. He tried to put it off as long as he could but... He had to go. I could see the action pained him beyond words, though.''

The light bulb in his head was blaring now. It took a while to turn on, as it usually did, but now it was blaring.

Mistaking his silence, as shock Ilane said, ''I know. I didn't know what he did, but he got through to her somehow. Maybe it takes losing a lover to understand.''

He nodded. ''Maybe.'' He didn't have that connection, and he hoped he never would. He couldn't ever imagine losing Elemara. The pain that they both had by losing the one they loved just as much was understandable.

But maybe, just maybe, sympathy and concern might be enough to boost Kel's condition to at least a somewhat decent state.

----

After about a week, Neal finally made it there. He walked blankly into the office of Lord Wyldon.

''Well it certainly took you a while to get here, Queenscove,'' he said.

''I'm sorry, sir. I had family issues to resolve.''

Lord Wyldon was unsettled by his emotionless tone and obliging tone. Normally he would have received some impertinent or sassy response. Or at least that's what he thought. Wyldon tried to hide his shock.

''Well we can't put you on Traitor's Hill now,'' Wyldon said, lamely trying to make room for a quip.

Nothing. All Neal was thinking was, My father was right. I had to leave. It didn;t help with his feelings any, though.

For a moment, Wyldon stared at Neal intently.

''I heard about your cousin, Queenscove,'' Wyldon said, ''I'm sorry for your loss.''

''Thank you, sir,'' he said, his eyes betraying how far his thoughts were from the conversation. Dom's loss did hurt him deeply. However, Dom couldn't be saved. The person he was thinking of could. She was fighting to stay alive in a sea of grief. He had to opportunity to save her, and he wasn't using it. He felt like he was letting his best friend and the things that made her her die.

''And I heard about Kel's reaction to the lad,'' he said reluctantly (as he always did when personal matters were brought up while at duty) and with more warmth than he ever showed, ''Owen told me. I'm sorry for that, too.''

''Thank you, sir,'' he repeated, his voice wooden, eyes flashing with self-hatred, guilt and pain.

Wyldon wanted to slap that look off of his face. Or do anything to make it go away.

He and Nealan had not been exactly best friends when he was training him as a page.... Well actually that was an understatement. He was the laziest, most insolent, most disrespectful student that he had ever had. But still, seeing him with that look on his face was agonizing. He may have been the laziest, most insolent, most disrespectful student that he ever had but he was a good lad, he had a heart, and he cared about Keladry in a way that was heartwarming even to his cold, stiff heart. He didn't deserve to have a look that pained.

Wyldon was about to do something incredibly out-of-turn for him. Reach out for him, and try to say some reassuring. Something in him wouldn't let him do it, though.

''They wanted to charge you with treason,'' he said, ''I'll make sure the charges are dropped.''

His father was right. He really had to do this after all. That didn't make it any easier, though. ''Thank you, sir,'' he repeated, in the same way.

Wyldon bit his lip. ''I couldn't do anything else,'' he said, with a small smile.

Neal knew that was a lot of emotion for the Stump to give. Sympathy, and support, and concern… in its highest form. That was harder to take than negative feeling would have been; at least he deserved that, especially from somebody like Wyldon.

He looked away, and forced himself to swallow the lump that began to form in his throat.

''Where's my assignment?'' he asked forlornly.

''You have no assignment,'' Wyldon said, ''the war just ended. We won.''

**Okay, so guys sorry for my long lapses in updates. I just looked at the last time I updated a chapter and am appalled with myself. I hoped it was worth the wait, though! I just left you guys off at a cliffie so I will work harder than ever to update this. Thanks so much to my reviewers! Without you guys I wouldn't even bother. **


	17. Chapter 16 The Darkness of Memories

Chapter 16- The Darkness of Memories

''Kel, can I talk to you?'' Owen asked her, feeling his heart pound crazily in his chest. He swallowed and felt it in his throat.

''Sure,'' she answered, the emptiness he heard louder than her voice.

''You aren't just upset because of Dom, are you?'' he asked.

When she flinched and turned away, Owen was afraid he said something stupid or thoughtless. He did have a tendency for doing that. He had a tendency for doing anything stupid( and the fear that he was doing this now, by staying here with a seemingly hopeless cause, also entered his mind). So, consumed with the fear that he was doing something stupid, he said or did nothing for the next couple of moments.

Then Kel gave a small nod, and emitted a small, choked sob.

Owen felt himself internally flinch. He knew a rush of emotion was coming his way, and he was never good at dealing with that, especially from a female. Owen knew he had to do it, though, so he internally sighed and got on with it. He awkwardly wrapped his arms around her.

''Neal used to help with the pain,'' she whispered, ''it was still there but... not as much. Now it's back, along with… The pain of missing him.''

Owen felt pity fill his features. He knew that he could never be what Neal was, but he could try to be something for her.

-----

While Owen talked to Kel, Cleon when he went to visit Rachelle, ready to use the excuse of having to formerly thank her.

A little girl, around two or three years old, answered the door. _Liah_. He remembered Rachelle talking about her, and assumed she was her daughter.

''Ye th' Lord?'' she asked, her voice awed.

''Yes, I am,'' he answered nonchalantly.

Her jaw dropped, and he chuckled.

''Is your mother here?'' he asked, trying and failing to be nonchalant when he asked that question.

She nodded. ''I'll go an' get her.''

Cleon impatiently waited until she came to the door.

''Rachelle, I just came to formerly thank you,'' Cleon said, ''that was extremely...''

''No problem,'' Rachelle said abruptly, ''it's fine. I didn't have a choice.''

''No, you did and you chose...'' Cleon began.

Rachelle cut him off. ''I didn't,'' he said, ''I couldn't just let you flounder out there. That would be cruel.'' Her eyes looked faraway and distant when she said the last line, making Cleon worried for her.

''Are you all right, Rachelle?'' Cleon asked.

''Fine.'' Her voice was sharp and terse. ''Look, I have work to go to and I have to get Liah to bed so... You have to go.''

Cleon felt a pang of hurt. Was it something he said, or did, that angered or hurt her? Or was it something else beyond him?

''Rachelle, what is it?'' he asked.

''Look, just go,'' she said, her voice going from cold and sharp to angry, ''like I said... I have work to do.''

''Did I do something wrong?''

_Yeah, you made me fall in love again. You're going to make me love you, and then you're going to hurt me. Just like he did. _That answer was on her lips, and she was about to say it, but couldn't. She just shook her head. ''I really do have a lot of work,'' she said, her voice lower and pain leaking in her voice.

Both Liah and Cleon were looking at her with concern. Cleon wondered if he should do something, keep probing, put his arm around her shoulder, or apologize, but decided that would only make things worse.

''Well goodbye, then,'' he said, ''when can I see you again?''

''Whenever I can go,'' she said, her voice sounding like it was conveying some underlying message that he didn't understand.

When he left, Rachelle turned to Liah, trying not to cry.

''It's time for a nap, honey,'' she said.

''I jus' took 'un,'' Liah complained.

''It's ''I just took one'' not ''I jus' took 'un'', Liah,'' Rachelle corrected (she didn't know why she was doing so because such a noble-like thing only reminded her of Stone Mountain).

''Fine, I just took one,'' Liah said, ''still I did, Ma.''

''Well, take another one,'' Rachelle said, ''or try. Naps are good for you.''

Liah was about to argue, but she could sense the pain in her mother's eyes.

Even at three, she knew that her ma was deeply upset, though she had no idea how deep and how horrible the reason was for it.

When she thought Liah was asleep, she let her knees give out as she slid down the wall and put her face in her hands. Then she started to quietly sob, as all her world caved in and her nightmares began to come back to life.

----

For the next couple of days, Owen became what Neal was as best as he could. Sometimes he felt awkward and uncomfortable in doing so, especially when she cried on his shoulder (although it meant a lot to him that she was comfortable enough to do so, the fact of seeing someone he once thought was so strong unravel in front of him was unnerving).

He never knew what she would be like when he woke up. He had absolutely no idea what type of day it was to be for her- seemingly good or obviously horrible and full of memories of her lost lover( who since he always forgot his name always referred to him as ''he''. Kel didn't pick up on it, fortunately).

The way he saw Kel now had such a complexity that confused him so much it made his head hurt( he had never been good at picking up on complex things). He once saw her strength as a strong, invincible, perfect stone pillar that the rest of them leaned on. Now he saw that pillar as millions of pebbles, and looking back on pagehood memories he saw cracks in that pillar. And he barely saw it as even that, He saw human strength that was more powerful than average but human.

Despite this realization, he didn't think any less of her. He saw her as less but he didn't think anything less of her( something that didn't make any sense to him whatsoever). He still saw someone whose heart was as bigger than the world, as limitless as the sky and as pure as snow before it hit the ground.

Yes, Owen became what Neal was to the best of his abilities. Even though it confused him, scared him and opened his eyes when he would rather have kept them shut.

After a couple of weeks, he was seriously starting to miss Elemara and his children. Their faces constantly floated in his mind, especially when he was Kel. However, he waited until he felt that she was stable enough for him to go. And when that happened, he almost didn't want to.

Guilt and fear (both due to the possibility of her not being ready for him to leave yet) mingled in his veins as he went to ask her to leave. He imagined the worst possibility as he walked to where she was. But she understood.

She smiled sadly at him, and nodded. ''You should be with your family,'' she said, ''it means a lot that you're here, but you should be with them.''

Her reaction was a relief to Owen, and he visibly let it show. ''Are you sure you're going to be all right?'' he asked.

She nodded. ''I'll be fine,'' she said, trying to make her smile seem more real and somewhat decent.

That was enough. Owen missed his family and didn't think any further on it. He didn't think of what Neal would have done, for once. So he did the opposite of what Neal would have done and left by morning.

She gave him her most authentic smile she could (and let it be tinged with _some _sadness) and Owen didn't see through it.

She missed him, was going to miss him, but not as much as she missed Neal and Dom. He added a weight in the heavy hollowness that stirred inside of her. She wasn't even sure she could cry anymore (she was pretty sure she cried the last of her dreams with Owen).

So she lay down on her bed and simply sat there, her eyes reflecting her emptiness as she stared up at the ceiling. She did so for what seemed like eons to her until she fell asleep.

She dreamed of Dom, for the first time in a long time.

The pain that she felt came back worse than it had in months. The ache, the empty ache that she felt came stronger than ever, like all these months with Neal she just stuffed down her pain and now it was welling back up, overflowing.

She didn't dream of the machine striking him, like she usually did. She didn't scream with grief and agony like she used to( so no one woke her up, no one thought that things weren't okay.

She didn't even move, just stayed in the same position she fell asleep in. The only hint giving away her agony was her facial features. Her face was scrunched up in an expression that conveyed all of the pain in the heart that she pushed down in her heart ever since Neal left( of course, you could only see this minor detail if you went in, took off the covers and looked at her for a moment. Though, of course, nobody thought to do that either, given that she wasn't screaming.)

It seemed to her that nobody sensed the numb blackness inside of her. Tobe left a couple of days later, and then Raoul left a couple days after that.

She confided to Sanna, though their visits were far and in-between.

She felt that, except for her baby, she was all alone.

Just when it seemed she was about done treading in the deep waters of grief, her mother came upstairs, woke her up and told her the news( and hoping that it would change the way she was acting. Kel's recent behavior was scaring her).

''Kel, someone's here for you,'' she said.

Kel came down the stairs, still listless and apathetic, when she saw who it was.

Then she came running down the stairs.

''Neal!'' she exclaimed.

**Sooo I left you at a cliffie... I know that was cruel considering my update frequency( or un-frequency, if that the word). I will say that a shocking hint for the future may be dropped in the next chapter... Oh and I have two announcements to make: **

**1. As I announced in the Telling Neal A/N and my profile, I have gotten a new story idea. Koni, Neal's daughter in Scenario 2 of Telling Neal, is coming back again in a narration of her life. Her firsts, and maybe some other things, it's lighter( I think than what I've written so far). I won't start writing it until I'm done In Her Darkest Hour. **

**2. I got a fictionpress account! It's also called theweirdworder. I only have one story but please check it out. **

**That's it. As always, please review and I'll update as soon as I can. **


	18. Chapter 17Reunions & Mind Racking Events

Chapter 17- Reunions, Unanswered Questions and Apologies

She ran to him as fast as she could.

The world seemed to stop spinning, and he seemed to be the only one in it.

He reached out for her before she could reach out for him, embraced her, and hugged her as hard as he could.

She hugged him as hard as she could, too, and felt that the whole world was in their embrace.

She was sobbing, and he was too.

It was so hard for him to believe that she was there, substantial and real, not just something he wished he could have. He was only gone for about a month, but it felt like eternity. At that moment, he didn't know how he could have gone on as he did for so long without him.

She didn't know how he could be there, either, actually there, in front of her, in her arms. It felt unreal that she should see him after what felt like so much time away from him. It felt unreal that she would, could, be saved, when she had felt for sure that she was going to drown.

''Mithros, I missed you so much, Kel,'' he said, almost breathing her presence.

''I missed you too, Neal,'' she said, her breath shaky.

Those words expressed everything, more than they could ever say.

Neal gave a shaky laugh of relief, and Kel soon followed with a bigger one.

Then Kel gripped him tighter, and then he gripped her even tighter.

Then, for a moment, they just held each other, not wanting to be the first one to let the other go, and not wanting to ever let go.

And at that moment, something changed. Their relationship began the slow, dissent of becoming more than friendship, though neither of them knew it at the time.

Eventually it was Neal who pulled away, saying he had to see the rest of his family.

''Are you coming back?'' Kel asked.

''Yes,'' he answered, relishing in the fact that he could.

She smiled, and he savored in the fact that she was smiling. That was when he fully felt relief, when he fully realized how much he feared that when he came back she would have been lost forever.

So he rode away once more. This time, however, neither one of them felt the pang of nostalgia and sorrow that they had felt last time.

When Kel went inside, both Piers and Ilane secretly felt relief, for they both knew that once Neal was here again things had a chance of being okay with Kel again.

Neal came back with little Baird and Shinko. Kel hadn't seen them since before she last saw their father, so it was a great moment that she spent with them.

The four of them walked and talked, baked cookies together, and Kel and Neal sat on the grass, watching little Shinko and Baird pick flowers and laugh. She hadn't entirely realized how much she missed them until she saw them, though the realization of how much she missed them both came full force then.

''Auntie Kel, do you like this one?'' Shinko asked, holding a daisy in her palm.

''Yes, Shinko, it's very pretty,'' Kel said with a smile.

''Then you have it,'' she said, beaming and offering it to her.

''Oh thank you, Shinko,'' Kel said, taking it and holding it in her hand.

''That's very thoughtful of you, Shinko,'' Neal said, smiling with fatherly pride at his daughter.

''You're supposed to wear it in your hair,'' Baird informed her.

''Oh,'' Kel said, smiling, but pointing to her short, boyish-cut hair ''but aren't you supposed to have long hair to do that?''

Shinko shook her head. ''No, the flower just needs a long stem,'' she said, ''do you want me to put it in for you?''

''Sure,'' Kel said, smiling wider than she already was, ''go ahead, Shinko.''

Shinko kneeled beside her, gently pushed back Kel's hair with her fingers, and slid the flower's stem back until you could only see the flower. Then she got back up.

''You look pretty, Auntie Kel,'' Baird said.

''Thank you, Baird,'' she said.

''You do,'' Shinko and Neal said at once (Shinko laughed because of this).

''Thank you, Shinko,'' Kel said, now beaming, ''thank you Neal.''

She wallowed in their presences just then, and felt a relief at seeing all of them there.

In the eyes of Piers and Ilane, Kel was happy again. Nothing to what she once was, but compared to how she was these past months, she was happy.

It was only Neal that knew that it wasn't happiness, exactly, but a combination of

hope and relief ( realizing that it was due to him made his heart wrench with guilt once more). She still had dreams of Dom( though she didn't scream anymore) and she still had moments where her grief was just as fresh as it was when it sunk in that he died, but they didn't happen as much as they once did.

They reveled in each other's presence. Every once in a while, Kel would feel tears of relief well up in her eyes just at the sight of him, which she would quickly banish before he could see them.

Neither of them mentioned what happened in the duration in which he was gone- what happened to him or what happened to her. It was a big question mark in both of their minds.

Neal gathered that Piers and Ilane were very relieved which meant something bad must have happened. Did Kel get worse again? Or was it just thought that they did? Were they just scared? Kel seemed just as he left her, better if anything but…

That unfinished sentence was just another question in his mind. The what ifs were there own category of questions.

What if she broke down because he wasn't there? What if he had lost the ability to help her, and see her real emotions?

Though not as numerous, Kel had questions in her mind, too. What happened when he was gone? Were things going to be the same now? Was everything really going to be okay with him here now?

The questions burned in both of their hearts, and in everything they did, but still neither of them dared to speak it aloud. It burned worse every day when they were together, still neither of them said a word to the other about it.

Having the most questions, it was Neal who finally asked some of his.

''Kel, we need to talk,'' he said.

''You're not going to tell you have to leave again,'' she said, half- jesting, half serious.

''No,'' he said, smiling, ''but I'm just curious about a couple of things.''

And then he started asking his questions.

When Neal asked Kel the questions that had been racking his mind, Rachelle was answering what was racking hers. It wasn't a question like his was, but a horrible, guilty knowing.

She had said nothing wrong to Cleon but her behavior was cold and he felt it.

She said she had wanted him to go. But really she wanted just the opposite, and that scared her.

He brought a new light into her life, but he also brought back the demons.

_Friends, we'll just be friends.._ That thought brought disappointment and relief.

_It's not like you'll be anything else. He won't let you. _That thought was a whip and a balm to her soul.

She knocked on the door.

**Quite frankly I need suggestions. I feel like I need action for more Kel/Neal. I'm surprised you all aren't getting bored out of your minds. Or maybe you are... Any tips? Telling Neal is really long, and still has ways to go so the next update won't be for a while. Please review until then. **


	19. Chapter 18 Answers

Chapter 18- Answers

Cleon heard the knock on the door, but ignored them, thinking of Rachelle. The thought of her gave a pang in his heart. He had only known her for a few days but already he cared for her profoundly.

Unlike Kel, telling himself how wrong it was, how unlikely she was to return his feelings, wasn't enough to keep himself from loving/ thinking about her. What he felt for her was different than anything he had ever felt before.

And she told him to stay away...

The knocks on the door were an incessant buzzing through his thoughts, which were irritating him beyond the extreme.

''Would you like me to answer the door, Master Cleon?'' a servant asked tentatively, seeing the storm cloud on his master's face.

''No, thank you, Ivan, I'll get it myself,'' he answered, barely able to keep himself from exploding at him.

He walked to the door, ready to give whoever was there a piece of his mind.

He answered it personally, and when he saw who was there, he immediately brightened.

''Rachelle!'' he exclaimed, trying to make his tone calm and failing.

''Cleon,'' she said, a wide smile stretching across her face. Her smile vanished as she realized why she was there.

''I'm sorry,'' she added, ''I wasn't being very nice... And that's not a way to treat you after you gave us so much.''

''Rachelle, you helped me...''

''No, Cleon, you have helped Liah and I more than you know,'' she said, ''I'm so sorry for the way I acted yesterday. It's just that you remind me of someone...someone I'd rather forget.''

Well that was_ half_ the truth.

''I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way, Rachelle...'' he began.

''No, no, Cleon, it wasn't you... it was me this time. I'm sorry,'' she said.

''Rachelle...''

''I didn't want you to go away, Cleon,'' she said, ''I want to be your friend.''

''I want to be yours, too, Rachelle,'' he said, his eyes revealing the want to be so much more.

The only people who could not see the want that was each other's eyes was the one that want was reflected at.

She saw it, too, hidden in a corner where Cleon didn't see her. She saw it and wondered why that couldn't have been her. She saw it and wondered what was so repugnant about her that made it impossible for him to love her. _If he won't love me, he certainly won't love commoner trash_, she thought, _not if I throw it away. _

''Kel, were you upset while I was gone?'' Neal asked, his voice hesitant and nervous.

The question took Kel off-guard momentarily. She briefly considered lying to him, but decided not to.

''Yes.''

Neal slowly closed his eyes, his face scrunching up in guilt. ''How upset?''

''A lot. I missed you a lot. I think it was that more than anything.''

Neal then almost immediately asked the next question. ''Was your grief harder to deal with?''

Kel was silent for a long time, debating whether she should be honest or not. ''Yes,'' she said, ''but that was because I felt that there was no one else who could understand like you did. And... I was afraid that you would die, too, and then that would be both you and Dom... Well, I don't know if I could have handled that, and I knew that then , and I was afraid...''

The idea of Neal's death, and remembering his absence was very painful to her. It was evident on her features, and upon seeing it, Neal's gut wrenched with guilt, along with his face.

''Do you think it was your fault what happened?'' she asked, seeing his guilt.

''Which something do you mean?''

''Your leaving, and sometimes I think... maybe Dom's death.''

Neal took a sharp intake of breath.

''Do you think they're your fault, Neal?''

Neal didn't answer for a while, the pain of it all consuming his system. ''I know they are. I could have done something more to...''

''No you couldn't have, Neal,'' she said, cutting him off. Whether he was going to talk about not leaving her there or about saving Dom, she didn't know( and wasn't sure she wanted to know, either). What she knew immediately was that neither was his fault, and he didn't deserve the heavy guilt he was pressing on himself.

He opened his mouth to say something, but she stopped him. ''You couldn't have,'' she said, her voice softer and sadder with the tears gathering in her.

He couldn't look at her, and his guilt spread to Kel.

''Was it that bad where you were?'' she asked, ''were the killing machines worse than it was last time?''

''No,'' he said, ''but it was one of the worst times I went off to war. I missed you so much, Kel, while I went, and while you were grieving.... I was afraid that if I went off that I was never going to see you, the real you, ever again.''

''You still have a long while to see the real me again, Neal,'' she admitted.

''I know,'' he said, his eyes filling with pain, ''and by going off I made the day of seeing the real you again even farther away.'' At the last line, Neal looked down and refused to look at her.

''No, Neal...''

''My own cousin,'' he said, his voice so low, she could barely hear him. He looked up then, and he had so much guilt and pain in his eyes that it overflowed to her.

''I'm sorry '' Kel said.

Neal was shocked. ''For what?'' he asked.

''For this... for making you feel like this...''

''Kel...''

''And because I should have pushed him out of the way or something. I couldn't have went in front of him to save him, not without possible killing or hurting the baby but... I could have done _something_. You couldn't have gotten there in time, the poison travels too quickly, but I...''Admitting it now was the first time that she had even realized that she thought it but now the thought throbbed in her mind, was a second painful heartbeat in her heart. Tears clouded in her eyes.

''No, Kel...''

''I know that, but it won't bring him back, Neal. It won't bring him back. There's nothing we can do. He was dead by the time you came, Neal. There were too many people there, not enough healers and... It's not like you didn't try, Neal. It's not like you knew he was dying, and did nothing. You saved me at least, and the baby, and so many others.''

''But I couldn't even save my own _cousin_.''

''I couldn't save my own _fiancé_, either.''

''I couldn't save my wife. I couldn't save my cousin. And now... I might not even be able to save my best friend.''

This time it was Neal who fell into Kel's arms, and together they felt the tears slide from their soul to their cheeks.

''Will things ever be the same again?'' Kel asked, her voice raspy.

''I don't think so.''

''Will things with us ever be the same again?''

''I don't know.''

''Me, either.''

And with that, they both held each other, and cried as the wounds in both their hearts reopened once more.

After all the questions, she thought about Dom more often, though the feeling inside of her didn't give her the urge to sob as much any more. It was more of an emptiness, one that she knew she could never quite fill, but that she could get her mind off of for once(which she could never quite do before). Being honest with Neal, knowing all the answers to all the questions she had been wondering about... It had lifted a burden off of her, and added something to their relationship that neither of them could put a name on.

''I feel so much better with Neal there,'' Kel said to Sanna on one visit, ''my grief for Dom's still there but... Somehow it's not as consuming.''

Sanna nodded, and smiled.

''Is it wrong, Sanna?'' she asked, ''that I'm feeling happy when he's gone.''

''No,'' she said, ''This is hard. Anything that can make you even a little better... take it. Dom wouldn't want you feeling like this forever... He would want you to be happy.''

Kel nodded. ''I know.''

She couldn't help thinking that Neal wouldn't want her too, either.

**Okay, now I really lost track of time with the holidays, I'm sorry... But yeah, I hope you liked it. It's the most fun I've had writing this story in a long time. My thanks to Fire-Metal-Horse 17 who unknowingly gave me the idea to actually write out the Kel/ Neal interrogation( a relatively simple idea, however I was only planning to give the synopsis of it). As usual, I will try to update this and Telling Neal, ASAP. **


	20. Chapter 19 Changes and Close Calls

Chapter 19- Changes and Close Calls 

Cleon went visiting Rachelle more often since their declaration of friendship. It was harder for Rachelle to visit him- the grandeur of his home intimidated and occasionally brought back memories she'd rather leave untouched- but sometimes she found she missed his company so much that she was able to look past the two.

Both of them tried to internally deny feeling anything that wasn't platonic. They shrugged off any thought of desire. If it was anyone else, Cleon would have stopped seeing her( same with Rachelle). He knew his wanting of her was wrong, and Rachelle knew it was wrong to want Cleon. Yet if they kept apart from each other for too long, they found that they sunk into a mode of gloom.

So they met each other twice a week, for about an hour. There they walked and talked about just about everything, except what they both wanted to talk about the most.

Meanwhile, it turned out that talking had really helped Kel and Neal, and deepened their relationship.

Both of them definitely felt something added to their relationship, though neither of them could put a name on it. They then just assumed it was just a deepening of friendship, or Kel getting better, or the relief of knowing they could completely confide with each other.

Kel smiled more than ever before, and her thoughts of Dom lessened as her thoughts of Neal increased.

One day though Neal didn't come, even when he said he would. Kel waited until dinner, and still no sign of him. The day before there was a massive storm; filled with frequent lightening and thunder that came dangerously close to Mindelan. No one was hurt at Mindelan, but it didn't come around the time when Neal visited her. She didn't think of it at the time, but now the idea pounded in her head.

Ilane read the worried look on her daughter's brow, and came up to her. ''Maybe he forgot...''

Kel shook her head. ''He wouldn't forget.''

''Maybe he had other things he had to do...''

''Maybe,'' she said, her eyes distant. Neal's not being there worried her. Usually he told her when he couldn't come. The fact that he couldn't come was troubling to her, and extremely out of character.

''Maybe it was little Baird or Shinko,'' Ilane said, seeing that her daughter's worry.

Kel's eyes filled with horror.

''No, I didn't mean that...'' Ilane said, ''maybe they were just sick or something. A stomach bug or something.''

That seemed the most sensible reason in her eyes, so Kel nodded and tried to make herself believe it.

_He'll come tomorrow_, she told herself, calming herself with the thought.

Only the next day, he didn't come. Or the day after that.

''Stomach bugs usually last a week or so,'' Ilane said, trying and failing to keep an optimistic face.

Kel knew that Neal would have sent word. But still no word came.

But the next day someone did come- only it wasn't Neal.

It was a messenger with the Queenscove colors on him.

As soon as Kel saw him her blood ran cold. She had a feeling that it wasn't a good sign. Nevertheless, she found the courage to open the door when it knocked- and that knock would resonate in her brain for a long time since then.

''Hello,'' she said, putting on her Yamani mask.

The messenger opened his mouth to speak but wanting to delay him as much as possible, Kel spoke again. ''You must be freezing out there,'' she said(though it was surprisingly warm for an October afternoon in Mindelan), ''come inside first. Here, I'll get your coat.''

He opened his mouth again, but than closed it, deciding not to. He wordlessly handed her over his coat, and stepped inside. The look on his face made her even more nervous, and she automatically put a hand to her stomach.

''Would you like something to drink?'' she asked, trying not to make her voice shake.

''No, thank you,'' he said brusquely.

''Something to eat?''

''No, thank you,'' he said again.

''Are you sure?''

''Yes.''

''Okay.'' Kel realized then that her stalling was stupid and inconsequential to the events at hand. Facing things head-on had always paid off more in the past- why was she doing something else?

''Nealan hasn't come home for two days,'' the messenger said, ''the duke sent me over here to see if he was here, or said something to you. Did he?''

Kel turned white, then shook her head.

''He's... missing?'' she asked, her voice a horrified whisper, ''He hasn't come here for two days, either.''

The messenger's face turned solemn and grim.

''I'll tell Duke Baird,'' he said, ''he'll get a search warrant for him.''

Kel nodded woodenly, as her stomach dropped. Her face went blank but not with a Yamani mask, but with disbelief.

The messenger left the house long ago, but Kel still stood there, still with shock.

''He's gone, Dom,'' she whispered with trembling lips, her eyes to the ceiling, ''just like you are.''

When that finally sunk in, she felt tears gather in their eyes and silently fall to the floor. She huddled over, leaning on the wall so the weight of her agony didn't make her fall down.

''He could still be alive, though,'' she whispered, her voice quavering more, ''He still may be alive. He may be just fine, even. I can't lose hope yet. I have to stay strong, so when he comes back....''

She wiped the tears from her eyes, and straightened herself.

''They'll find him,'' she said, ''I know it.''

She walked away, forcing herself to put on a Yamani mask. It wasn't to uphold anybody else's opinion of her, as it had been in the past. There wasn't Yamani children that singled her out for being a foreigner or a Joren to mock her if she slipped and showed her true emotions. This time she did it for herself, so she wouldn't fall apart.

Meanwhile, her mother was watching her with deep concern. Her hope for her daughter's well-being had been through a series of being crushed and being uplifted. This was one of the moments where it was being crushed. Ilane wondered at that moment if it was always going to be like that- good, better, bad, worse, good again, better again, bad again and worse again. When her daughter walked away, she was just about to walk out and comfort her, but she decided not to.

After that, Kel decided that she was going to be strong. After all, she figured, that's what Neal would want. And she was sick of falling apart like she was. She kept on smiling during the day, no matter how artificial those smiles were. And when she couldn't smile, she put on a Yamani mask.

Only her mother saw beneath it, since she saw the scene with Kel when the news from the messenger finally sunk into her heart.

It was in the night when everything hit her. She didn't let herself sob; she only let a few tears silently fall.

He's not dead yet, he's not dead yet, he's not dead yet. She chorused that in her head, even if she didn't know the truthfulness of it.

Kel did whatever she could to keep herself together, because if she wanted to be honest with herself, she wasn't sure if she could handle falling apart again.

Ten days later, Baird came at the door. Dread filled her, but she found the courage to answer the door.

''Yes?'' she answered with a shaky voice.

''They found Neal,'' he said, his voice grim.  
**The Super Bowl enabled me to finish Scenario 12 early in Telling Neal; a snow day let me finish this early. Who- hoo! The idea for this chapter came to me spontaneously, but I figured it would be a change for once. I hope you like it, and sorry to leave you all at a cliffie. I'll try to update as soon as I can. **


	21. Chapter 20 Vital Discoveries

Chapter 20- Vital Discoveries

''They... found Neal?'' she asked, her voice shaky with fear at his voice.

''Yes,'' Baird answered, looking away.

Kel's stomach dropped. He wasn't... No, he wasn't. He couldn't. He...

''Where?'' Kel asked.

''A commoner on King's Sword found him,'' Baird asked, ''they took him in to the lord there.''

Kel could barely move. He wasn't, he couldn't be... At that moment, she felt very much like when she had first seen Dom's body.

''Is he...'' Kel couldn't finish it. ''What happened?''

''His horse got spooked during the storm, and bucked him off,'' Baird said.

''And...'' Kel was trying very much not to break down right there.

''He almost broke his neck.''

''Almost?''

''Almost.''

Kel felt relief shoot through her system, before realizing that he still may not be alive. ''Is he alive?''

Baird nodded. ''Neal is alive; thank the gods for that at least.''

Kel still had a feeling that something was dreadfully wrong still. ''Is he okay?''

As Baird's face dropped so did Kel's. ''No,'' he said, his voice shaky, ''he's unconscious. The healers there don't know if he'll ever regain consciousness; if he does, he may have memory problems.''

----

At the same time as Baird was delivering the news about Neal to Kel, quite a different scene on Kennan was playing.

Both Cleon's and Rachelle's heart were beating in their throats as they were talking on their walk. Their conversations were half- hearted, though, because both of them were too busy trying to hide their true feelings from the other.

They were talking about nature and how beautiful it was. And then.... Cleon blurted how he really felt.

''Nature_ is_ beautiful, Rachelle,'' he said, ''but it doesn't even compare to how beautiful you are.''

Realizing what he said, Cleon's eyes grew big and he tried to cover up his action.

Rachelle, though, simply smiled. ''Thank you, Cleon,'' she said, ''nobody's ever really said something like that to me before.''

Sure, the lord of Stone Mountain said something like it but... The way Cleon said it was so sincere and full of _love_. It was something she had never really experienced, she realized. And then... she did something even crazier and impulsive as what Cleon did.

She reached out her head and felt her lips on his. She kissed him, and he kissed her back.

Despite the voice in their head screaming for them not to do anything more, they continued and kissed each other harder and more passionately as time progressed. Both of them were afraid to let the moment slip away; they were afraid that if they stopped kissing, or decided to something more, the moment would slip away.

Finally, they broke apart only because they both needed to breathe.

And while they were panting, they looked at each other with wild eyes, knowing that nothing would ever be the same with them again.

----

Kel found herself at Queenscove, her heart in her throat. Neal was there, she knew. Right behind the door of the house she was standing at, a few room downs Neal was there un... She couldn't even say the word in her head.

Kel had considered herself to be physically strong at least but currently, she could barely find the strength to knock at his door.

''Auntie Kel!'' little Shinko exclaimed, a big smile plastering her face.

With a pang, Kel realized that little Shinko didn't know what was going on with her father. Despite the raging feelings inside of her, she forced a smile.

''Shinko,'' she said, ''I'm glad to see you. I'm here to see your father.''

''He's sick, though,'' Shinko said, ''Grandpa won't let me go in.''

''She can come in, Shinko,'' her grandfather called.

Hesitantly, Kel walked in.

''He's in upstairs, first room on the right,'' he informed her.

''Thank you,'' Kel said absent-mindedly, and began her descent up the stairs.

She opened the door and entered to find an unconscious Neal.

He looked like he was sleeping, that was all. If anything, he was a little pale but... If Kel didn't know any better, she would have said nothing was wrong with him. She might have guessed he was wiped out from dealing with his children but she would have never guessed the truth. Thinking of the truth almost made Kel double over, but somehow she found the strength to walk to his bedside.

''Hey, Neal,'' she said. She knew he wouldn't answer but some small sliver in her heart still held out hope.

No answer came out, and that hope was crushed. Pain extended deep into her heart and her bones. She desperately tried to find something else to say, before she broke out in tears.

''The baby's coming along well, according to the healer,'' she said.

And it was. At six months, it was growing more than average. With fondness, Kel thought

''She says she knows the gender but I wanted it to be a surprise when it came,'' Kel continued, despite the onslaught of brewing emotions in her.

''I think I have the names picked out,'' Kel said, ''for both genders. I'm happy as long as it's healthy; I don't care what gender it is.''

She paused for a moment, once more holding out hope that Neal would say something in response. Once more, that small fire of hope was extinguished. ''I'm naming after my mother or Yuki if it's a girl,'' she said, subconsciously pausing before continuing, ''or Dom if it's a boy. Yes, that sounds particularly nice- Domitan the Junior of…''

_Masbolle? Mindelan? Queenscove?_ she thought, _wait, Queenscove? That's a strange thought to think. I swear all this is getting to me. _

''Mindelan,'' she finally settled on.

And with that she continued her one-sided conversation with him.

A couple of days went by with nothing to do or think or say. Kel tried to keep herself busy with various tasks, despite the fact that her mind wasn't there.

And then...

There was another knock at the door, and Baird was there once more. Once more Kel felt like her stomach was being torn apart.

Tears poured from his face, and a relieved smile lit his face. ''He's fine, oh thank the gods, he's fine!'' Baird exclaimed.

Kel felt a smile glow on her own face, and her shoulders slumped from their tense pose. ''Yes, thank the gods,'' she said, feeling tears rise in her own eyes.

The next morning, she rode to his house.

''Don't you ever scare me like that again,'' she said, upon seeing him conscious and propped up against the pillow.

''I'll try not to,'' he said, a grin playing out on his features.

She reached out to hug him as hard as she could.

**Okay, a little action? I'm still timing out everything for the climax, but at the same time trying to keep everything interesting until then. I also have the Rachelle/Cleon sidestory that I have to juggle out. Anyway... please review. **


	22. Chapter21BeginningsOf&Things Almost Done

Chapter 21- Beginnings Of and Things Almost Done

Cleon was unsure what to do after the kiss. He knew it wasn't morally right but he couldn't help but think about it.

All of the boundaries that he had set these past few months had just gone tumbling down. Surprisingly, he liked it and part of him even yearned for it to be repeated once more.

Rachelle felt feelings similar to Cleon.

They both decided to avoid each other until everything inside them was sorted out. However, one day Cleon decided to go up to her house, to, at the very least, talk to her.

He knocked on the door, his hands trembling.

Rachelle answered. ''Cleon, what are you....''

He put his lips on hers, immediately silencing her.

His kiss exploded against of her lips, silky smooth and white-hot.

It was then that something in Rachelle broke, and those horrible memories flashed before her eyes.

She saw the lord of Stone Mountain in Cleon's place, and she wondered why she didn't see him before. She wondered why she didn't see all the hurt and all the pain and all the lies that were to come.

She pushed him away then, and he went back, hard.

''No,'' she shouted, tears streaming down her face, ''no, no, no! You aren't doing this to me again.''

''Rachelle....'' he said.

His voice came out half-moaning, half-pleading. It was so filled with pain(physical and mental), guilt and...

She snapped out of her reverie.

As looked at him on the ground, squirming and struggling with a look of agony, she was immediately reminded that Cleon _was not _Burchard; she was reminded that Stone Mountain _was not_ Kennan.

''I'm sorry, Cleon,'' she said, helping him up from the ground.

''I'd never make you do anything you don't want to do, Rachelle,'' he said, brushing off the dirt on him ''I'm so sorry.''

''It's not that,'' she said, ''it's just that... This is too much like before.''

And with that, she closed the door to his face.

-----

While Cleon and Rachelle recognized their changed feelings, Kel and Neal were just beginning to.

Once again, they felt another shift when they saw each other again and assumed it was simply another strengthening in their friendships.

They could almost read each other at that point. Sometimes, they could even finish each other's sentences. There was an added sense of familiarity and ease that they had gained around each other, one they didn't have before.

One morning, Neal came to her house looking grim.

She knew immediately why; that day was the fourth-year anniversary of Yuki's death.

She didn't have to tell him that she was sorry; he didn't have to tell her the depth his grief extended.

It came with a sick irony that they were celebrating little Shinko's birthday only days before. Yet again, it came like a pang every year. A day of boundless joy that was followed by a day of crippling grief.

They had all laughed and sang, smiles illuminating their faces.

Kel couldn't help but reminisce on that as she held Neal in her arms.

Neal didn't shed any tears, but he didn't need to; Kel felt his pain.

And then, for a moment they stood there, remembering her. In a flash, the memories came down upon them, including the last ones.

''I remember your wedding,'' she said, smiling, ''You were beaming, and Yuki... Well, I could tell she was happy, even though she couldn't show it. Her dress was...''

Neal cut her off. ''It was beautiful,'' he said, ''but it accentuated _her_ beauty.''

''Remember the lengths we had to go to get it?'' she asked, ''We had to ship all the way from the Yamani Isles. But it was tradition, and we couldn't do without it.''

''I couldn't deny her,'' he said, ''No, I couldn't deny my Yamani blossom. I got her the best dress that I could afford.''

There was a pause of reflective silence.

''Remember when she was pregnant with little Baird?''

''I couldn't forget,'' Neal said, with a sad smile, ''I remember when she told me. She told me she had some important news and sat in um... the guest room. I was nervous, because I could tell she was. Her Yamani mask didn't reveal that much but her eyes did that thing of hers where the skin below them would crinkle and I knew...''

He averted his eyes as he faded off into some sad, distant place. Kel felt her heart squeeze with sadness.

''You both told me together,'' Kel said, ''You... you were beaming and jumpy. And Yuki's eyes were indeed crinkled around the edges...''

''After Yuki told me, I... I fainted.''

''You fainted?''

He nodded sheepishly.

''I did. Yuki had to fetch the healer and everything. I don't know... The idea of being a father was such a shocking thing, and it was hot out...''

Kel couldn't help but give a small laugh. Neal couldn't help but give one, too.

''I had every right to be nervous,'' Neal said, ''Parenthood is one of the biggest challenges I've ever went through.

''But,'' he added, ''it is also one of the most beautiful, amazing things I've ever experienced.''

''It must be,'' Kel said, caressing her swollen stomach and the child that lay within it. ''I can't wait.''

''You'll make a great mother, Kel,'' Neal said.

''Thank you,'' Kel said, ''That means a lot to me.''

''Yuki would have said the same,'' Neal said, ''if she could be here to say it now.''

''I wish little Shinko could have had the chance to know her.''

''I wish so, too.''

There was a pause as each of them thought of Yuki and the future that lay ahead of them.

Both of them felt a strange feeling stir within them, one that neither of them could identify it, though.

The next night, Kel woke up to stomach discomfort.

It wasn't much, she figured, so she went back to bed. But then it increased, so Kel decided to take a walk around the house in hopes of absolving it.

As the pain transformed into crippling cramps, Kel knew she was going into premature labor.

_Oh no_, she silently begged, _Oh Goddess, please don't do this to me. Not yet._

Kel let out a scream as one particularly sharp stab of pain hit her.

Ilane and Piers heard their daughter's scream.

''Kel?'' Ilane called tentatively.

She heard no answer in response; instead she heard intense sobs.

''Kel!''

**Okay, so.... I know that I haven't updated in a super long time and I'm really sorry. I've been super busy and everything plus I hit a lot of writer's block writing this. And worse I left you all on a cliffie. I'll try to update as soon as I can. I can't write tomorrow though because... I'm officially turning 13! Woo-hoo. Okay, I know I'm bragging but I had to bring that up. Anyway... please review. **


	23. Chapter 22Close Calls and Secrets Shared

Chapter 22- Close Calls and Secrets Shared

Ilane rushed over to Kel, who was doubled over on the floor.

''It's coming, it's coming, it's coming,'' Kel sobbed, ''No, no, no...It's too early for it to come.''

Ilane knelt down to hold her daughter, brushing the hair from her sweat-soaked face.

Piers came immediately after her.

''What's going on?'' he asked, panic flashing across his face.

''Get the healer, Piers,'' Ilane said, trying to keep her voice calm.

Dread and sorrow then darkened his features; he knew as well as Kel and Ilane did that a baby born after only seven months in its mother's womb could never survive.

He ran out the door as fast as he could.

Ilane felt a helpless agony watching her daughter sob and writhe on the floor. She hardly found it fair how just months after her daughter's lover's death, that death in which she was just starting to heal from, something like this was happening. Ilane had lost babies before, yes, but Piers was always there to comfort her. The concept of losing a baby and the man that she loved was too horrible to ponder; the concept that this was the very thing happening to her daughter was beyond awful.

''Kel,'' Ilane said to her, a sickening feeling passing through her, ''when your water breaks, you're going to have to push.''

''No, I can't.''

''Kel,'' Ilane said, her voice soft, ''you have to.''

''Mama,'' Kel pleaded, the tears pouring even harder down her cheeks, ''this baby has to survive.''

Ilane couldn't look at her daughter. Instead, she just took her hand, as if that could possibly make what she was going through any easier.

''I'd rather die than have this baby die,'' Kel whispered, her voice shaky from her previous sobs.

''No,'' Ilane said, her voice urgent, ''You wouldn't want that. Don't say that.''

''Yes it is.'' Kel paused and looked up to the ceiling. ''Oh Goddess, do what you must to save this baby. Please.''

The amount of fear and desperation in her voice broke Ilane's heart.

The pains increased and Kel felt fear and dread pulse through her. Kel could barely process it.

This isn't happening, Kel thought, No, no, no... This _can't _be happening.

Only it was, and Kel knew it. It was shattering her heart and her mind and... Kel wondered if she could get over this. She had clung to this baby, the only evidence of the love that she and Dom shared together. And now... She was losing it.

Her sobs now increased so much that Kel was now shaking. Ilane tightened her grip on Kel's hand.

''I'm so sorry, baby,'' she said, stroking her hair, ''You shouldn't have to go through this.''

Kel didn't say anything, just whimpered brokenly.

''You're going to have to, though.''

''No, no, no!''

The shrieks that Kel uttered were the worst sounds that Ilane had ever heard.

''You can hold onto my hand,'' Ilane said, ''grip it as hard as you possibly can.''

A tremor of fear passed through Kel as she really thought her water was going to break and that she would really have to face the fact that she was having this baby.

But then... Her contractions just... _stopped_.

Kel wondered the Goddess really did answer her prayers. Her sobs lessened for a while, shocked.

She broke free of her mother's grip.

''Kel...''

Kel put her arms around her stomach and shook with relief.

''They stopped.''

''What?''

''The contractions... They stopped.'' Kel let out a relieved laugh.

Realization dawned on Ilane's face. ''I should have thought of that before,'' Ilane said, ''That might have helped.

''You must have went into false labor. It happened with me twice, once when I was pregnant with Anders, the other with Oranie.''

Kel laughed with relief, and Ilane couldn't help but join her.

Just then, Piers came in, healer in tow.

''What...''

''It was just false labor, Piers.''

A look of relief flashed across his face. ''Thank the gods,'' he said.

''They might return.'' the healer said, ''But if they don't by morning, they won't.''

Kel silently prayed that they wouldn't.

''I should pay you,'' Piers said, ''I did get you up in the middle of the night.''

He reached out of his wallet and pulled out a random amount of gold nobles.

The healer gawked at it. ''Sir, this is...''

''Just take it.'' Piers then put the gold nobles in the healer's palm.

The healer gawked at the amount, before stepping out to leave.

''If anything happens,'' she said, ''get me. I'll be up.''

Kel fell asleep about an hour after the ordeal. She opened her eyes to the pink sky of dawn.

Seeing it, it hit her. No more contractions occurred. That meant... It meant that the baby was going to be okay.

Relief consumed her; it made her knees weak and her heart float.

She put her hands around her swollen stomach. She started to sob once more; this time, however, it was the relief within her that made her do so, not the fear.

''Thank you, Goddess,'' Kel whispered, her voice so low that even she could barely hear it, ''Thank you for answering my prayers.''

------

While the fiasco with Kel was happening, Cleon stayed up half the night, thinking of Rachelle.

Something was wrong, he knew. It wasn't him; he had simply brought up a horrible memory.

The memory sounded as if it had something to do from before Rachelle came to Kennan. It probably had something to do with Liah's father.

But who was he? Who was this man... this low son-of-a-bitch who had hurt her that badly? It was obviously a man low enough to leave a woman after he had gotten her hurt so badly?

It had haunted Cleon, so the next day he decided to go to go to her, even if the same thing happened.

The next day he did go after her. When he knocked at the door, he half expected her for the same thing to occur as it did before.

When she opened the door, however, she ended up bursting up in tears.

''I'm sorry,'' she sobbed, ''I'm sorry. I'm just not ready for this.''

It was a natural thing for him to put his arm around her, even though he was just barely holding onto his cane.

Her sobs was the worst sound he had ever heard in his life; they sounded so lost and broken that it broke his heart.

''You can tell me,'' Cleon said, ''if you want to.''

She nodded. ''I think it's time you should know. But it's a pretty long and involved story.''

''I've got time.''

''Okay, well...''

And then she began to tell him the secrets she had held inside for years.

**Well... I didn't keep the cliffie too long out, I think. It helped that I got really involved with the whole Kel story. One of the times when I just couldn't stop writing. I think I rushed the whole Cleon/Rachelle story but oh well... I hoped you liked it anyway. Well, I should probably work on the next scenario for Telling Neal since I'm not even close to being done... Just please review. **


	24. Chapter 23 Unbidden Emotions

Chapter 23- Unbidden Emotions

''Rachelle,'' Cleon said, a horrified look on his face, ''I don't know what to say.''

Rachelle looked down. ''I'm sorry, Cleon.''

''Don't be,'' Cleon said, putting his hand on hers.

Rachelle didn't know what to say. She had never told anyone what had happened between her and Buchard before. It felt like a relief, but incredibly nerve-wracking at the same time.

To her surprise, she burst into tears. Cleon gave her the best one-armed hug he could manage.

''It wasn't your fault,'' he told her, ''it wasn't your fault. He took advantage of you, Rachelle.''

There was a peculiar feeling that passed through Rachelle then. All the self-hate and anguish didn't disappear but it was thinned out by other emotions. Inside the dark world she had created inside of herself, rays of acceptance and hope were beginning to shine through.

She looked up at Cleon, trying to find the words for it all. It was too much though; what she felt in her heart was too consuming, and she couldn't seem to put it into words.

Meanwhile, Neal visited Kel the next day, suspecting that nothing out of the ordinary. He had no idea what had occurred that night.

The look that Kel had on her face immediately alerted him that something had happened.

Even stranger was how she collapsed in his arms, something she hadn't done in a long time.

''Shh...'' he said, stroking her hair, ''It will be all right.''

She nodded, and smile. ''I know. It is now.''

Neal scrunched his eyebrows in confusion.

''I was so scared last night,'' she said, ''but now I'm just so relieved....''

''What happened?''

Kel took a deep breath before answering. ''I went into false labor last night.''

Neal's jaw dropped. ''That's horrible, but I'm glad it wasn't...''

''I know,'' Kel said, nodding eagerly, ''I am, too. I don't know what I would have done if...''

''If it was born now, it would have...''

''I know,'' she said, shuddering, ''and I am _so_ glad it didn't.''

''So am I.''

Kel felt a sharp pang and in her stomach then. They were continuous and hammer-like. She smiled as she realized that the baby inside of her was kicking.

''Neal,'' she said, smiling, ''He's kicking.''

Neal smiled. ''He's a little warrior.''

''Maybe he'll grow up to be in the Own like his father.''

''Maybe. Or a knight.''

Thinking about the child inside of her and its future was such a pleasant thought for Kel, especially after the scare the night before.

''I'd be content with anything he decides to be,'' Kel said.

''Or she,'' Neal said.

Kel nodded. ''Or she. I just... I've been thinking of the baby as a boy. I don't know why.''

''Maybe because of Dom?''

Kel nodded sadly. ''Probably. I'll be content with whatever gender the baby is, though. I have the names picked out for either gender.''

''Really what?''

Oh that's right, he doesn't know, Kel remembered, he was unconscious when I told him.

''Well if it's a girl, I'll name her after Yuki. And if it's a boy... Well of course I'll name after Dom.''

Neal smiled. ''Yuki wouldn't have wanted the baby to be named after her.''

''I know. But still... she deserves it.''

Neal nodded. ''Well, whether the baby was born a boy or girl,

She suddenly remembered her thought about questioning what fief her child would be of, after she told an unconscious Neal what she would name it. She remembered how strange and unbidden that thought was.

And with that came another strange and unbidden thought. _I hope the baby_ is_ of Queenscove. _

After that thought, she felt a bizarre feeling. Something sort of tingly and giddy, aching and fierce. It was a feeling of something deep and true and embedded deep into her heart. It was a feeling that Kel hadn't felt in a long time, and for a moment she couldn't recognize it.

When she did, she was automatically reminded of Dom.

_No_, she thought, _I do not feel this for Neal, and he would never feel this for me. I love Dom. The pregnancy just must be making my hormones go out of whack. _

''Kel, are you all right?'' he asked, ''You look kind of... pale and upset.''

''I'm fine,'' Kel said, smiling, ''I was just thinking about it all. I'm going to be a mother really soon.''

''You are.''

''I'm kind of nervous.'' While she had been nervous about it, that wasn't what she was thinking about.

''Don't be. You'll make a great mother.''

''Thank you.'' Kel felt wooden saying it when she was thinking about....

_Snap out of it._ She reminded herself yet again. _You can't feel this way for him. _

''Kel...'' he said, grasping her hand and meeting her eyes, ''You will.''

The feelings ebbed with this simple familiarity. ''I don't know. But I'll try to be. Thanks.''

Neal smiled, and that smile gave her a strange sensation. One that felt as if she was being lifted high above the world, on a tall mountain and looking down at everyone.

For the next couple of weeks, Kel and Neal pondered on what the baby would look like.

Would they have Dom's blue eyes and Kel's mousy brown hair? Dom's dark hair and Kel's hazel blue eyes? Kel's determined chin and Dom's easy smile?

The possibilities were endless, and delightful beyond words.

Kel liked to say that she didn't care what gender it was but she always imagined her baby as a boy. She saw Dom's eyes on his childish face, and his smile.

Who she saw Dom Jr. as depended on the day. Sometimes she saw him as a powerful mage, or a healer. Other times she saw him as a knight, one well known with great titles. Many a time she saw him as a Rider, like his father was.

All of these possibilities were equally as entrancing; Kel truly did mean it when she said she would be happy with whatever her baby turned out to be.

Inside, Kel was glowing with excitement. Excitement to see the wonderful life inside her, and hold it in her arms. Excitement to watch it grow into something beautiful, like a flower too beautiful for words.

There was also, however, a part of her that was quaking with fear. Fear that the baby would be born unhealthy. Fear that she would fail to provide it the mother that it would need. Fear that something might go wrong at the delivery. That same part of her also shimmered with hope that none of the above would happen, and that everything would be fine.

These feelings sloshed around inside of her, as she anticipated the baby's arrival.

**Okay, so that's that chapter... I hope you liked it, and that the update wasn't too bad in terms of posting it in a reasonable time. I liked updating this and Telling Neal at the same time, but now that that's out of synch I don't know when that will be updated. Please review. **


	25. Chapter 24In Anticipation for the Future

Chapter 24- In Anticipation for the Future

After the confession, Cleon started to go to Rachelle's house more than ever. They kissed in the darkness of Rachelle's bed, but Rachelle never got the courage to do anything more with him.

Ermelian noticed; the signs were all too evident that Cleon did not love her and was never going to. She tried to flirt with him, seduce him and even coerce him into making love to her. Yet nothing worked.

She would go to town in the clothes of a commoner and look for Rachelle. Usually she wasn't with Cleon, then, but with a smaller, shyer version of herself.

_Was that the child of her husband? Or of another married nobleman? _

Until one plan came into her mind. It was so simple that she wondered why she couldn't think of it before. That thought made her smile with its own delicious wickedness. She could get rid of her.

She couldn't stop thinking about it; it sounded so good.

_After all, _she told herself_, Kennan could do with one less common whore and her bastard. _

Meanwhile, Piers had discovered that he was going to have to go to the Yamani Islands in approximately two weeks time. The letter didn't say much except that it was to further secure the peace between Tortall and the Yamani Islands, and to celebrate the birth of Shinkokami's first son.

From the looks of it, he wouldn't be around for his grandchild's birth. He didn't know whether Ilane would choose to accompany him, but either way she would be displeased about it.

He drew a heavy sigh, as he placed the letter down on the table. He would much rather stay on the fief with his daughter, but he had to answer duty's call. He knew Kel would understand.

As he thought of Kel, she happened to come in.

''Hello, Papa,'' she said, smiling.

''Hey, baby,'' he said, trying to return her smile. She, however, could read through his facial expression, as she had her whole life.

''What's wrong?''

He sighed. ''I have to go to the Yamani Islands. I probably won't be back in time.''

''Oh...'' Kel tried to cover the disappointment on her face. A stranger might be able to see through it; Piers knew better, though and sensed the true emotions beneath it.

''I'm sorry,'' he said, ''I really don't want to go but… I don't have a choice. I'm sorry.''

''You already said that.''

Piers opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out.

''I understand, Papa,'' she said, forcing a smile, ''really. Neal will still be here, at least.''

_And thank the gods for that, _Piers thought. He suddenly thought of how much help Neal had been in the past couple of months, and how grateful he was for that.

He searched Kel's face for anything worse than disappointment- fear, grief, anger, or the like- but found nothing. She would be able to handle it while he was gone; she was all right with it and she was going to be all right. That moment was the moment of ultimate relief.

The next morning, when Neal came, Kel told Neal about Piers' soon departure.

''Oh, that's a shame,'' Neal said, ''I'd be so disappointed if I were him.''

She nodded. ''I know,'' she said, ''but he has to do it and I understand that.''

Neal couldn't understand how Piers could give up so easily. He thought about the fight he put up to leave, how he didn't leave until the absolute last moment, how he had so missed Kel when he was gone. He understood that Piers loved and cared about his daughter (and that Kel was making improvements), but he still couldn't understand how he could leave at such a critical time.

All the sudden Kel's face scrunched up a little.

''Are you all right?'' Neal asked, his voice filled with concern.

She beamed at him. ''Oh yes, I'm fine,'' she said, ''The baby's kicking again.''

Neal smiled. ''It won't be long from now.''

''No, it won't,'' Kel said, ''I can't wait.''

For a moment, there was just silence. A beautiful, brilliant, blissful silence of anticipation, one that often came when they were with each other now.

''He's kicking harder now,'' Kel said, smiling, ''Feel it, Neal.''

Neal put his hand on her stomach, and smiled. For some strange reason, it made him feel jittery. ''He'll definitely grow up to the Own,'' he said, ''he's a strong little one.''

Kel spontaneously let out a small laugh. Neal realized that although she had smiled since Dom's death, she had never actually laughed.

Neal starting laughing, too. Eventually they were both laughing hysterically, drunk with the possibilities of the future and of a better day.

Later when Neal came home, he found his father reading a letter intently. He had little time to ponder on it, as his children soon greeted him.

''Daddy!'' little Shinko exclaimed, beaming.

Shinko's smile was contagious; Neal couldn't help but to smile too. ''Hello, Shinko,'' he said, ''Hello Baird.''

''How's Aunt Kel?'' Shinko asked, ''When can we see her again?''

''Aunt Kel's doing well. Her baby's almost due,'' Neal said, ''and she's very happy.''

Shinko beamed. ''When can we see her again?''

''Soon,'' Neal said, ''maybe a couple of days from now.''

''Yay,'' she said, her gigantic smile spreading even further on her little face, ''I can't wait.''

Little Baird, being the more reticent of his two children, said no words yet said it all with the smile spread on his face. Neal let out a small chuckle at this.

''How was your days today, Baird, Shinko?''

Little Shinko then proceeded to chatter about her day, while Neal listened.

Neal's father came up to him after little Shinko and Baird went to bed.

''Your Uncle Liam's coming up here,'' he told Neal.

Liam had not really had much contact with anyone since the funeral, so this was shocking. And even Sanna, Neal realized, had not been out of her fief for a couple of months.

''When?'' Neal asked, shocked from the news.

''Two weeks,'' Baird answered.

Neal felt a sinking feeling in his stomach, knowing that that fell on the same date that Piers was leaving.

''Oh,'' he said, forcing a smile, ''that's nice.''

''He's still pretty...you know,'' Baird said, looking down. ''He was one of the hardest hit by Dom's death.''

''I know,'' Neal said somberly, looking away.

For a moment, there was an awkward silence. Dom's death was hard on the both of them, and bringing it up again was not easy for either one of them.

''Just be mindful of that, all right?'' Baird said, his voice tense.

Neal nodded. ''Of course.''

Neal's first thought was of Kel. The first thing he thought of was how that would mean less time with her (though he knew it was selfish to think such things).

Maybe Kel could help him with his grief, and he could help her (because although the baby was making her happier, she was still hurting inside). Yes, maybe Liam could come to Mindelan. Anything that would not cut his time with Kel.

Although, if he wanted to be honest with himself, his reluctance to cut his visits with Kel short weren't about shortchanging her healing process anymore. No, he realized, cutting them short was simply something that hurt him. Because, it seemed, not seeing Kel now left a peculiar despair inside of him that it never left before...

**Okay, so that's it for this chapter. Now, I have to give credit to domsdirtysecret for giving me the idea to bring back Liam. I wasn't planning to but... Now it will make the plot even better. I'm also almost done part two of the previous scenario in Telling Neal, which I wasn't planning to do but did so under my reviewers' request. It won't be as long as my usual scenarios, but it will now bring back my updating schedule to its normal state. So I'll update that soon. Well... just please read and review, as always. **


	26. Chapter 25 Revenge & Wounds Still Aching

Chapter 25 Revenge and Wounds Still Aching

Ermelian knocked on Rachelle's door, brown eyes glittering with malice. A small smile twisted on her pretty face, as she felt victory about to happen.

Oh yes, she would pay. For all of Ermelian's suffering, the commoner whore would pay.

She wasn't even on here legally; she only came here on charity. She came here on charity and she took advantage of that!

The more she thought about it, the angrier and more determined she got.

This whore was the reason why Cleon acted the way he did; this whore stole him from his wife. Her payment was going to suit her crime.

She answered. ''Hello,'' she said.

_She obviously doesn't recognize me. _Ermelian realized this with a flash of anger.

''Hello,'' she said. Her lips curled up in the smile of malice she had perfected over the years.

Rachelle's smile immediately vanished, and replaced by a look of instinctive fear.

''Do you know who I am?'' she asked.

Rachelle shook her head.

''The reason you're going to have to leave Kennan,'' she said, ''or no, you're the reason you're leaving here.''

''I don't understand.''

''Think twice the next time before you fuck another woman's husband,'' Ermelian said.

''But I wasn't...''

''Specifically if that woman is the lady of whose fief you're at.''

Rachelle looked at her through wide eyes. ''I didn't...''

''You have until tomorrow morning.''

''Please, I have a daughter...''

''This fief won't be hurting from one less common bastard.''

Rachelle looked as if she was slapped. Her eyes lost their look of fear, and were replaced by one of fiery anger. Yet there was nothing she could say; saying anything would do nothing to help her.

Knowing this, Rachelle's smug smile increased. ''Good day,'' she said, before leaving.

Meanwhile, Neal approached Liam. He didn't know what to say, because Liam's grief felt different from Kel's. He knew he had to try to help his uncle, though.

Liam had just come in the night before. Neal noticed a great difference in Liam from the last time he saw him. His hair was almost completely gray, and numerous wrinkles lined his face. When asked questions, he gave terse, one-word answers with a distant tone.

Neal found Liam sitting on a log in the middle of the forest. He wasn't crying, but he might as well have been. The look on his face was distant and darkened with his grief. His grief, Neal knew, had not lessened in all of the months after Dom's death, a fact that had not surprised Neal considering the intensity of his emotions.

''Uncle Liam?'' Neal approached his uncle tentatively.

The distant and sad look on Liam's face left and he forced a small smile. ''Hello, Neal.''

There was a brief pause.

''Come on over here,'' Liam said, moving over to make space for his nephew.

Neal walked over to his uncle, and sat down next to him.

''Beautiful day, isn't it?'' Liam asked.

Neal then looked at the scene around them, at animals blissfully doing their usual daily business. Nothing out of the ordinary had occurred for them; the majority of them had not received a major upset in the last few months. With a certain bitterness, Neal supposed there was a certain beauty in that.

''Yes,'' Neal said, ''it is.''

The silence that came was louder and more revealing than any words they could have said then. Grief once again shadowed and distanced Liam from Neal; Liam said nothing, yet he said everything. Neal felt the grief that he had felt these past few months well back up within him.

''I miss him, too,'' Neal said with a hoarse and raspy, looking down.

Liam looked at him, and Neal briefly saw just all the grief that Liam still held inside.

And then, Liam fell apart. He uttered forth a choked cry of despair, and it was one of the most heartbreaking things Neal had ever heard. He then started to sob- violent, uncontrollable, and loud sobs that shook his being.

Neal did what came to him naturally; he wrapped his arms around his uncle.

''Why?'' he asked, ''Why did he have to go? Why did the gods choose to take _my son_?''

''Because of Kel.'' This came unbidden from Neal, before he could stop it. Kel was always in the back of his mind; saying her name came naturally to him.  
Neal thought that this comment was going to force a barrier between them. Instead, Liam broke from Neal's embrace and turned to him, with thunderclouds imbedded in his eyes.

''Then why would the gods take the life of a pregnant woman?'' he asked, ''Why would they force my son to lose his life, to save a life that shouldn't even be on the line? Why wouldn't they at least let her get him to safety?''

Neal didn't answer. He knew that there was no rational answer for any of these questions and that, even if there was, Liam couldn't be see reason.

''Why?'' Liam asked a final time. The thunderclouds faded from his eyes and transformed into a rainstorm.

''I wish I knew,'' Neal said, feeling a raindrop of his own fall from his eye.

Later, when Neal did visit Kel, he could not think of anything else except of his encounter with his uncle.

Kel could tell something was wrong; Neal was reserved and distant.

''My uncle came,'' Neal told her.

''Liam?'' she asked.

''Yeah.''

Kel was confused. Was he upset about his uncle's presence? Why? It seemed that they got along pretty well.

''He's still pretty upset over Dom's death.''

Kel looked away. ''I am, too...''

''I know,'' Neal said, ''but he's still... I'm worried about him. I don't think it's healthy to grieve that much for that long.''

Kel didn't know what to say.

''Maybe you could come over to Queenscove,'' Neal suggested. ''It might help him.''

''Yes,'' Kel said, ''it might.''

Silence followed.

''I want to see him, Neal,'' she said finally, ''I haven't seen him since...''

''I know,'' Neal said, ''since the funeral.''

Kel nodded. ''Yeah,'' she said, ''since the funeral.''

''I'll talk to my father about you coming over.''

**Okay, so basically Kel will visit Liam soon (I was hoping for a better ending, sorry about the lame one). Hopefully, she'll make him better. I was hoping to update Telling Neal soon but the next scenario is not even halfway done ( although it IS Election Day tomorrow, so maybe I'll get a lot accomplished). For any of you who might know what Criminal Minds is, I'm posting a oneshot of Tobias' point of view during Revelations. I've just been hooked to that TV show by my friend. Anyway, so please read and review and I will try to update soon.**


	27. Chapter 26 Discoveries

Chapter 26- Discoveries

Rachelle was shaking as she tentatively knocked on Cleon's hour, praying to the Great Goddess that Ermelian would not answer the door.

A servant did.

''I would like to speak to Cleon, please,'' Rachelle said, trying to muster up the strength to keep her voice steady.

The servant's face looked pained as she shook her head. ''The lady does not want ye to come in here.''

''But...''

''She was sayin' that ye would be tryin' an' she were right.''

''Please, I..''

''She don't want ye to come in.''

''Just let me..''

''No.''

''I'm sorry.''

The servant started to close the door, but Rachelle put her foot in the door.

''I'm sorry,'' the servant said, her voice firmer, ''but the lady says...''

''And the lord says to let her in,'' Cleon said, his voice booming from the other room.

The servant's face looked conflicted, but she finally opened the door.

Rachelle walked inside, and Cleon saw the depth of agony that was reflected on her face.

''Rachelle, what's…''

He was horrified as Rachelle broke down sobbing.

He went over to her, and hugged her the best that he could. ''What's wrong?'' he asked again.

She looked up at him through bloodshot eyes. ''Ermelian told me to leave Kennan,'' she said, ''by tomorrow.''

He felt himself tighten with anger. This was not Ermelian's fief; she could not get rid of the tenants who boarded there. And how could she be so cold to do so? As soon as she came back from her visit from Aminar, he was going to give her a piece of his mind.

''You're not leaving,'' he said, ''I'll make sure of that.''

''But Ermelian…''

''Ermelian's word doesn't matter,'' he said, trying to keep his voice level, ''I'm the lord of this fief, you're staying.''

As he felt Rachelle loosen against him, and he felt his anger double.

Meanwhile, Kel wasn't feeling well. It came at a time inconvenient, just before Neal was going to come.

It was a struggle for her to get out of bed. Her stomach was, for some strange reason, throbbing, and she felt as if her head someone had stuck thousands of sewing needles into her skull. As she looked up, her vision was blurry and hazy. But somehow, she limped out of bed.

She fell to the floor suddenly and started to vomit.

Not able to get back up, she lay there until the pain subsided somewhat. Then she wiped her mouth, and tried to clean up the mess.

Something didn't feel right. She hadn't experienced mourning sickness before, and this didn't seem like it.

Panic briefly flashed through her as she wondered if something was wrong. But then she thought that she was probably just overreacting, and that it was nothing.

Although she should probably check just in case...

Kel decided that no, she was definitely overreacting and that there really was no need to concern anyone.

So Kel got up and disregarded the event.

Three days later, she finally went to Queenscove, where Liam was. Feeling slightly better, it was easier for Kel to hide the discomfort that she was feeling lately.

Her stomach aches were worsened as she was jostled around riding with Neal but she said nothing.

''He's getting a little better,'' Neal told her on the way there, ''but still... I think a visit from you would help him tremendously.''

She nodded. ''I suppose it would.''

As she walked to the Queenscove, she felt dizzy. Again she nodded it off as normal.

Kel was welcomed warmly. Large and sincere smiles stretched across their faces; she was met with deep embraces. Sanna was especially happy to see her.

''We haven't seen each other in such a long time,'' Sanna said, ''too long.''

''I know,'' she said. ''I've missed your visits.''

''How have you been?'' Sanna asked her.

''I've been good,'' Kel answered. ''The baby's coming soon.''

''You're eight months along, if I recall?''

Kel beamed. ''Yes. Only a month to go until the baby comes. I can't wait.''

At Kel's smile, Neal smiled too. Watching Kel's happiness and anticipation, he too felt as if he couldn't wait for her baby to come into the world.

Sanna smiled slightly.

Kel had so much to catch up on with Sanna, and she wanted to tell Sanna everything. But then her eyes caught Liam in the corner, and remembered her reason for being here.

''Hello, Liam,'' she greeted him. ''How have you been?''

It was a stupid question, but she didn't know what else to ask.

Despite the bleakness in his eyes, Liam forced himself to answer cheerfully. ''Good.''

Kel heard the break in his voice, behind the masquerade of artificial cheerfulness he put up. She saw how he looked at the ground, knowing that if he looked up he would see how much of a masquerade he really was putting up.

Suddenly, little Baird and Shinko came running in where Kel was.

''Auntie Kel!'' Their excited squeals came from the other room. They came racing in, almost knocking Kel over.

''Hello, Baird, Shinko,'' she said lightly, as they clutched her tight.

''Baird, Shinko, you almost knocked Auntie Kel over,'' Neal upbraided. ''Apologize.''

They looked up at her. ''Sorry, Auntie Kel,'' they said, looking genuinely upset.

''Oh, it's nothing.'' She made her voice light, even though it was now harder to stay afoot.

Her remaining attention was taken up by others then, and she almost forgot Liam. Almost.

At dinner, she noticed Liam wasn't there. She ate dinner, of course, with Neal and his family but she could not help but notice.

It was after dinner that she went out to look for him.

She found him in the middle of the forest, the same place that Neal had found him days before.

''Liam?'' she had asked, because with the distant look in his eyes it looked as if he wouldn't hear.

''Hello, Kel,'' he said.

''Hello.''

There was an awkward pause; neither of them knew what to say.

''How are you coming along?'' Liam asked her.

''Well,'' she answered, automatically putting her hand on her stomach. ''I'm eight months along.''

Liam smiled. ''My grandson will be here in a month then.''

She returned his smile, and nodded eagerly. ''I can't wait.''

His eyes went to the engagement ring on her hand( which she still wore, because she couldn't bear not to).

It was the ultimate reminder of everything she had lost. Wearing it reminded her not only of the husband she would have had, but of the future she could have had. Looking at it always filled her with a flash of pain.

But it also reminded her of everything she once had. It brought back the memories of the man who had brought such joy into her life. The man who had loved her so much that he would lay down his passion, and his life, for her. That vision, though, those beautiful memories were only made beautiful once she had cleared away all of the ugly, painful feelings. She was then filled with a flash of joy, along with the pain.

''I'm naming him after Dom,'' she said.

He looked back at her and once again she saw the emptiness in his eyes.

''I thought Baird said you didn't want to know the gender,'' he said.

''I don't want to know because I already _know_. It's a boy.''

Liam looked away. ''It seems like it doesn't hurt you anymore. You seem so different from last month. How could it not hurt you anymore?''

She looked down. ''It still hurts. By the gods, it still hurts, and sometimes I feel like it hurts more than ever. The hurt feels so close to me sometimes that I can touch him; he feels so close sometimes that I can touch him.''

''Everyone says it fades away with time...but this time it seems to be getting worse.''

''I think...'' she said. ''I think it's not time that repairs a grief-stricken heart, but how you spend that time. I suppose I could wallow in that grief but... I can't. I have a baby who will depend on me, a baby that needs a level-headed mother.''

And with that, she got up, and left him to ponder what she had just said.

**Yay! I finished sooner than I expected, still a little later than usual but better than I thought. Another bit of good news is that I'm almost done my next scenario in Telling Neal so I should bring that to you by next Tuesday or so. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it because I worked my butt off to bring it to you at a decent time; please review. **


	28. Chapter 27 Confrontations and Epiphanies

Chapter 27- Confrontations and Epiphanies

''What the hell, Ermelian?'' Cleon asked as she back.

''Such strong language, Cleon,'' Ermelian said. ''The children might hear you.''

Cleon glared at her. ''You know what this is about.''

''No,'' she said, ''I have no idea.''

Cleon rolled his eyes, at her poor façade at innocence. ''How dare you, Ermelian? You had absolutely _no right_.''

''I had every right,'' she said. ''You're _my husband_ and you're going around with this commoner whore and her bastard.''

''Don't you dare call them that!''

Cleon's eyes blazed with anger and Ermelian knew that she had made a mistake. Cleon was usually so mellow, and so patient with people who were not worth his time. It was rare that he got as angry as he was now. This was not the way she would win Cleon over.

Yet she was angry too. She was angry at all the times in her life, when she was pushed aside and considered less important, when she could not get anyone's attention despite all the attempts she had used. ''I'm stating the truth. That woman is a whore and her bastard is proof. Open your eyes, Cleon. She will use you and throw you out like trash.''

He wanted to throttle her. He had wanted to throttle her so much that, looking back, he would be scared of himself.

But he didn't. He turned away, and did not speak until he could contain himself.

''Ermelian, what do is on your conscience. When it does not affect me, it is none of my business. But when _does_, Ermelian…'' He paused a moment and looked her straight in the eye, his fury so hot that it singed any words she was about to say from her mind. ''There will be _hell_ to pay. This is _my _fief, Ermelian. You are here because _I_ am kind enough not to kick you out, because _I_ am kind enough not to annul our marriage. You do not own this fief, and you have no right to act like you do. You have no right to kick out an innocent woman and her child, especially when they are my friends. And you have absolutely no right to slander them like you do, especially considering that much of your words could be applied to _you_.''

Ermelian did not know how to react to such a confrontation; she had never experienced one in her life. Her own temper was hot on her tongue, but it could not seem to escape. So, doing the only thing she knew how to do, Ermelian stomped off.

Meanwhile, Kel was pondering about Liam. She was still seeing the despair in his eyes, the forlorn look that had pierced into her.

She wasn't whole again. She could not say that she was completely healed from her grief, that her grief was no longer sticking to her like a bur stuck to one's tunic. Her grief still did cling to a part of her, the part of her that had died when Dom did.

But she could function, at least. At least it did not consume her as it once used to, and she could live her life. She may not be as happy as she was before, not nearly, but she still was able to enjoy some of the beautiful things in her life.

She was broken from her reverie with a blazing headache, one of many in the series of headaches that she was seeming to get on a regular basis lately.

She wondered if she should get a poultice for it from Neal, but then decided against it remembering she couldn't go on medication while pregnant.

So she braced herself against the pain.

It would only be until the baby comes, she reminded herself.

''He seems to be doing somewhat better, Kel,'' Neal told her when he saw her again. ''I don't know what you said to him, Kel, but it helped him tremendously.''

''Anything I can do for help, I will do,'' Kel said. Her voice was distant and far away, as she thought about their conversation.

She needed for him to be all right. Because her baby needed for him to be all right; her baby needed Liam in his life.

Neal forced a smile. ''Whatever it is, keep doing it.''

''I'm sure it's nothing different than what you did for me,'' Kel said, feeling a strange wave of emotion wash over her.

But to Neal, it was. Like Kel, he had lost his lover but he had never lost a son. And besides, he was closer to Kel than he was to his uncle. He felt a strange feeling flutter inside of him as he gazed into Kel's eyes.

''It wasn't easy to help you,'' Neal said, ''but it seemed so much easier than to help Liam. I don't know why.''

''I hope he does end up stabilizing himself, though,'' Kel said.

Neal nodded grimly. ''Me too.''

Neal could sense the sincerity behind her words. He not only wanted for his uncle to be all right, but he had also wanted to Kel to be as happy as she possibly she could be.

Kel put her head on his shoulder, and he held her. At that moment, he felt an urge to hold her as tight as he possibly could, and to never let go.

''My baby needs strong grandparents, along with a strong mother,'' Kel said, pausing painfully for a moment before adding, ''especially since he won't have a father.''

Kel's voice broke, and at that, his heart did too. In the course of the time he had spent with Kel, he had increasingly become sensitive to Kel's hurt; when she hurt, so had he. Something had changed between them and he supposed it was a strengthening in their friendship.

At that moment, he became sure of two things. The first epiphany he received was that he would die to make Kel happy (although he didn't understand how he was so shocked by this, considering that it had become fact within days of the time he spent with Kel). And the second... That, like Kel, he had loved this baby. He was going to be this baby's father.

''This baby will have a father,'' Neal said.

''What? I don't understand. Dom's...''

''Me. I'll be the baby's father.''

As Neal said it aloud, he felt the surety of it in the marrow of his bones; the fact echoed at his very core.

Kel was silent for a moment, and he feared that she might disapprove of the idea.

''Oh Neal...'' she said and he could hear the pure joy in her voice. ''You'll make a great father.''

Neal smiled and put his hand on Kel's stomach. He could feel the baby's heartbeat, and it was one of the most beautiful sensations he had ever had in his life. The baby was coming soon, and he could not wait either.

The baby needed a father. Kel should have realized that fact before. Neal being the father seemed so natural to her; how she didn't come to that possibility seemed so hard for her to understand now.

She looked up at him and the love reflected in his eyes told her that he loved this baby almost as much as she did.

Suddenly Kel felt another sharp pang in her stomach and her head started searing again.

She groaned, and attempted to sit up.

''What's wrong?'' Neal asked, suddenly concerned.

''Just a headache,'' Kel said. ''Nothing big.''

''Are you sure?''

''Yes. It's nothing.''

But Neal's instincts told him otherwise. He ignored his instincts though, and nodded. He helped Kel get up and they left the meadow.

Looking back, Neal would desperately wish he did something, that he had listened to his instincts. But by the time he got back to the house, he forgot it, only thinking of the baby he would soon father.

**YAY! School is over FINALLY (it would have been over sooner without all those snow days. I'm sure everyone in the Western US got out before now), and I got a chance to get this chapter finished. I hoped you liked it; please review. **


	29. Chapter 28Plans& Changes in Circumstance

Chapter 28-Plans and Changes in Circumstance

Two weeks later, Piers had to leave. Ilane went with him reluctantly, after Kel assured her that she would be fine.

''You'll still going to get to see the baby,'' Kel told her, with a sad smile on her face.

Kel wanted Ilane to be there as she had the baby though, and she knew that seeing the baby afterwards wouldn't be the same. Ilane knew that too.

''It's not the same,'' Ilane said, her voice rueful. ''I wish I could be here. I was for your sisters.''

''You have to go, Momma,'' Kel said.

''I know,'' Ilane said, forcing a smile. ''I'll miss you.''

''I'll miss you too, Momma,'' she said.

They embraced, and then Piers and Kel said their goodbyes.

And then they left, just like that, leaving Kel alone at Mindelan.

Neal was staying at Mindelan with Kel, just in the instance the baby was to come while he wasn't there. This arrangement had the servants talking, but Kel and Neal didn't care. Kel was just happy to be in his presence all of the time now, instead of just when he came.

Sanna and Liam were getting ready to leave also. Kel was sad to see them go, but knew that they had to. As much as Sanna had wanted to stay for the birth of their grandchild, matters at home forced Sanna and Liam to go. They would come later on, when all was resolved.

It warmed Kel to see how much that Liam had improved, but it hurt her to see how much he still had to resolve.

Kel wanted to see them before they went off, so she visited Mindelan one last time.

''I can't believe I won't be here to see the baby,'' Sanna said. Disappointment oozed in her voice.

Kel reacted as she did with her mother. ''You have to go, Sanna,'' she said, ''and you'll get to see the baby the next time you come here.''

''I know,'' she said. ''I can't wait all ready. My grandson, my beautiful grandson... I'll finally get to see him. Just not after he's born.''

Kel twisted Dom's ring on her finger, nodding and smiling sadly. She had felt like this often, but it still hurt every time. She didn't know what to say to Sanna.

''You know, Dom's still alive,'' Sanna said, ''or at least part of him is. He's alive inside all of us, and he's alive in that baby.''

Kel nodded. She knew this all ready, but it was still a comfort hearing it from Sanna. Neal's words came to her suddenly, what he told her after she had found out Dom was dead.

He said that the pain would lessen over time, but never go away completely. She had found that this was true, for the most part.

The pain was more muted now, a dull throbbing that filled( all though no longer consumed) her.

''I'll miss you too,'' Liam said, as he entered the room. ''You've been a great help to me, Kel,'' he said. ''Thank you.''

''It was...'' She stopped herself from saying ''nothing''. Because it was so much more than nothing. ''I had to do it.''

Liam looked away. She didn't have to do anything, and he knew that. She had effectively done so, too, and she didn't have to do that either.

''Dom chose well by you,'' he said. ''I would have loved to see your wedding. It's a shame I can't see the baby's birth.''

Kel didn't know what to say. He was going to see the baby, so missing its birth wouldn't matter. Neither of them were going to be able to see Dom again, though so missing the wedding that was supposed to be but never happened meant more than could be expressed.

A pause ensued.

''We'll have to do something before you go,'' Baird said, turning to Sanna and Baird. He was eager to get conversation going, to distract them from the despair that was clawing at their insides.

''Oh no, it's...'' Liam began.

''A hunting trip, maybe?'' Neal suggested.

''I... I don't know,'' Liam said.

''That sounds like fun,'' Kel said, smiling. ''Of course I can't go but I would love to look after little Baird and Shinko while you go.''

''Oh Kel,'' Sanna said. ''I always could. It's not like I could go. Blood makes me squeamish. You could always come over to keep me company, though.''

''That sounds like a good idea,'' Kel said. ''We should do it.''

''It does,'' Baird said. ''We would have one last bit of fun before we left.''

They began to make plans for it, and it was decided that Baird, Neal and Liam would go hunting in three days' time. Kel with Neal would ride to Queenscove from Mindelan and help watch over little Baird and Shinko, while Sanna packed for them.

After they had all made the arrangements, they had talked about things that were mainly mundane- each other fiefs, crops and political happenings.

They talked about it to get their minds off of what they were really thinking- Dom, the baby, the future.

Both Sanna and Liam were focusing on how Kel and Neal were interacting with each other. The way they interacted with each other in the past month had changed, that much was evident. It had grown into something more; they loved each other as more than friends.

It reminded Sanna of the relationship she had with Liam but Liam did not come to this conclusion. He was confused. He didn't understand how she could get over Dom so quickly. He didn't understand how she could love Dom but fall in love with Neal so quickly.

While they were talking, Kel felt a sharp pain in her stomach. She grimaced and rubbed it.

''Are you okay, Kel?'' Baird asked.

''I'm fine.''

''I could... check it out for you. Clear it.''

Kel shook her head. ''I'm fine. It was nothing.''

Baird didn't ask any further, even as he noticed the look of pain that was still in Kel's eyes.

The night resumed. The pain Kel was feeling had increased; she decided that if the pain was there tomorrow that she would get it checked out.

Then Kel and Neal left, thinking about the next day.

In two weeks, Cleon and Rachelle had grown very close to each other. Cleon was becoming a father figure to Liah, and Liah looked forward to having him over.

Rachelle was gaining the ability to trust, and they were growing closer. They had even began making love. It was something that was hard for Rachelle at first, because the fear that things would end up the same way as they did with Buchard consumed her; the old pain inside of her would come back and she would start to cry.

Cleon was supportive, and when she had needed to talk, he made sure that she knew he was there for her.

Cleon and Rachelle were very happy. But there was one person who was not and that was Ermelian.

When Cleon came back from his time with Ermelian, she responded to him coolly and distantly. Sometimes, when he wasn't looking, she would glare at him with every ounce of hurt and despair that she had inside of her.

She loved him. He didn't love her. Those hard, cool facts created a whirlwind of emotions for her. It had seemed that, besides her children, it had been the same with everyone she had loved. She wondered bitterly why she didn't get used to it by then.

One day, she broke down sobbing in front of a servant as she asked him to go get Cleon.

The servant put his arms around her and let her sob on him.

''I'm sorry,'' she said. ''It's just...''

''Master Cleon's makin' a disgrace o'f himself, doin' this to a pretty girl like ye. Ye don't deserve him.''

''All I ever wanted was for him to love me.''

''People who treat ye like that, they ain't deservin' of love. Ye got to realize that they ain't ever going to love ye and move on.

''My name's Mikal. Ye can come to me if ye ever need me. I've been in ye place before and I know how it is.''

She nodded. ''Thank you.''

''Any time.''

Though Ermelian didn't know it then, Mikal would prove to become a great friend to her in the months to come. And eventually, he would become something more.

**Okay, so luckily today wasn't as busy and I had time to finish this. It was hard considering the day. It's a year's anniversary since the death of the King of Pop, and being a big fan of his music it was hard for me. My friend was absolutely devastated when he died, and it was even harder for her; I had to solace her. I'm sorry if the end suffered because of it. I have to credit two people, Emaelin and x-LinaNumairsri-x, for the change in format(x-LinaNumairsri-x) and Ermelian's ''happy ending'' (Emaelin) Please review anyway, and afterward please keep Michael Jackson as well as his loved ones in your thoughts. **


	30. Chapter 29 Castrophes to Come

Chapter 29- Catastrophe(s) to Come

Kel and Neal came over to Queenscove and they were greeted warmly.

''Auntie Kel, Auntie Kel!'' little Baird and Shinko chanted. The idea of her being on Queenscove and playing with them was very exciting to them; it was exciting for her too.

She embraced the both of them at once. ''We're going to have so much fun today,'' she said with a smile stretched across her face. ''I'm a little limited now but...''

''We'll find something to do,'' little Baird said eagerly.

Kel smiled. ''Yes we will.''

She turned to Neal, Liam and Baird. ''Have fun.''

''We will,'' Baird and Liam said simultaneously.

Neal nodded, faking a smile. For some bizarre reason, Neal felt sick to his stomach. He knew that his anxiety wasn't of what was lurking in the woods, or of the hunt to come. He was nervous of leaving Kel. It wasn't just that he would miss her but he was seriously afraid of leaving Kel.

He assured himself that it would be fine; she was with Sanna after all so she would be all right.

Kel saw Neal's artificial smile and frowned. Being away from him was always hard, and she knew it would be on him too. She knew that he was probably worried about her. Only it wouldn't be that big of a deal, only a night. Letting it ruin his fun was a bit over the top and unfair for him.

She squeezed Neal's arm. ''Have fun,'' she repeated.

He nodded. ''I will.'' The artificial smile reemerged, and Kel still sensed it although she didn't comment on it.

''Goodbye, Kel, Sanna,'' Baird said, leaving to saddle his horse.

Liam followed with him.

For a brief moment, Neal looked back hesitantly. He felt as if he had swallowed lead; for some reason, his insides were screaming at him not to leave Kel. Maybe he should stay just in case.

''Have fun,'' Kel mouthed, with a smile on her face.

He must be overreacting, he figured. It was probably nothing. Kel was with Sanna; she would be fine.

Neal forced himself out of the house, forcing himself to smile as he did.

The remaining occupants of the house exchanged smiles, anticipating the fun that they thought was to come.

''What do you want to do?'' little Shinko asked almost immediately. She and little Baird looked up at Kel eagerly.

''Whatever you want to do,'' Kel said. ''Perhaps a game. Hide- and-go- seek?''

Little Shinko shook her head and wrinkled her nose in disgust. ''That's all you can think of, Auntie Kel? Your ideas are usually so much better.

''Too bad that I have to pack,'' Sanna said to them, raising her eyebrows to Kel. ''Have fun.''

''Oh we will,'' little Baird said, a massive smile spread out across his face.

As Sanna got up to leave, Shinko turned to back to Kel. ''So what do we do now exactly, Auntie Kel?''

Kel came in the house after being thoroughly exhausted from a round of playing, with the still- energetic Baird and Shinko following suit.

Sanna came down the stairs.

''Sanna, could you please get us some water?'' Kel asked.

''Oh Kel, please don't say you've let these children overwork you,'' she said.

''Oh no, Aunt Sanna, we didn't hurt Auntie Kel,'' Baird said. ''We were very careful, right Auntie Kel?''

''Yes, we did nothing I wasn't supposed to, Sanna,'' Kel said. ''I was worked certainly but not overworked. I just need a bit of rest.''

''And water,'' Shinko said.

Sanna nodded and went outside to get some water.

''Thank you,'' Kel said as soon as she saw Sanna get back. She took it and drank it down greedily. A year ago she wouldn't have been tired at all, she realized. Pregnancy and lack of exercise had really taken a toll on her body, she supposed.

''Hey, I have to go to town,'' Sanna said. ''It will only take a bit. I just realized that I forgot...''

Kel nodded. She wasn't Neal and she didn't worry like he did.

''That means it's just us right, Auntie Kel?'' Shinko asked.

Kel nodded and smiled. ''Just us, Shinko.''

''Yay!'' Baird exclaimed smiling. After a pause he asked, ''So what do we do now then?''

''I'll find something for us to do,'' she said. ''But for now just let me rest, all right.''

His face quickly turned serious. ''Okay,'' he said. ''I don't want to overwork you, like Auntie Sanna said I was doing.''

Kel smiled. ''You're not overworking me, Baird,'' she said.

She flinched as she felt some discomfort in her abdomen. It was nothing serious; nothing serious was happening. Her shoulder was hurting again, more than it had before, but she supposed it was from playing. She felt strangely agitated but it would pass if she rested for a while, she supposed.

She hoped it would pass. A twinge of fear went through her and she was worried that all of this could be something serious.

''Is something wrong?'' Shinko asked, her voice full of concern.

''I'm fine,'' she said. ''Just come and sit down here and let me rest for a while.''

But rest did not help Kel and all of her pain increased. Suddenly she felt sharp pains in her abdomen and she knew...

Oh no,she thought, a wave of panic overcoming her. No.

This wasn't like the last time, she knew. The baby was coming and Sanna still did not come back yet. And something was wrong, she knew, but she didn't know what it was.

Tears developed in her eyes. This couldn't be happening. Not now, and not to her.

''Is something wrong?'' Shinko asked again.

She couldn't find any words to answer as a wave of crippling pain hit her.

Meanwhile, Neal was out with his father and uncle. The hunt was pretty successful; they were catching a lot.

Liam was having a good time, Neal could tell that much. A victorious smile filled his face, a very different sight than what his usual expression was. Neal was trying to have a good time, too, but he couldn't focus.

The anxious feeling in his gut had increased and he was worried that something serious was happening to Kel. Maybe something had happened at the house, something that had risked all of their safety...

Neal tried not to think about it, but his mind kept racing toward it the entire time. He tried to keep his face happy, but his forehead was creased with lines of worry. What if... he thought, as his minds trailed off into morbid thoughts. Thinking about all of the possible things that could go wrong was heart-wrenching; it made his stomach curl and twist in knots.

His father noticed and put a hand on his shoulder. ''Neal, stop worrying,'' he said. ''She's probably fine. Don't ruin this for the rest of us. Your uncle is having a lot of fun right now.''

Neal nodded. ''I know she is. I'm sorry.''

He put on a fake smile then, one that his father believed in its hastiness.

But the feeling didn't go away; it only intensified. The hairs on the back of his neck began to stand up and he felt the urge to vomit.

Something definitely was wrong and he needed to go to Queenscove immediately.

But what exactly was wrong? And how would he stop it?

**I'm evil, I know. I left everyone on a cliffie, and it was really mean. The worst part is... I'm going to be out of town for two weeks and I won't have any Internet access (we'll bring the laptop but no connection. That means you'll have to wait two extra weeks). Although maybe I can get another chapter of this and of Telling Neal... It all depends. Please review though. **


	31. Chapter 30 Something Wrong

Chapter 30- Something Wrong

''I have to go,'' Neal said to his father.

''Neal, you can't just...''

''I have to go.'' His voice was more urgent. Neal was tense; his mouth was pressed in a thin line. 

''I'm sure that she's fine, Neal,'' Baird said. ''Stop overreacting. You're ruining this.''

The nauseous feeling inside of him was increasing, and it was crippling. Something was seriously wrong, and he couldn't deny it. Neal wasn't going to let his father bully him into staying. Neal wasn't going to let courtesy stop him from helping Kel.

''I have to go, Dad,'' he said, his voice shaking with fear. ''Something's wrong, and I don't know what it is. I've felt it this whole trip. It's more than just missing her, Dad, or worrying. Something is seriously wrong. I can't just stay here when I know that she's hurt.''

''Fine,'' Baird said, his voice tense with disappointment and annoyance. ''Go. Liam and I will probably have more fun without you. I just hope you feel guilty when she is playing with Baird and Shinko, happy as can be.''

That guilt trip wasn't going to work with Neal. Kel was in trouble, and he knew it. It was a feeling that chilled him to his very core.

He couldn't find any response to say to his father, and a response would waste even more time. So Neal rode off without a word and as fast as his horse would allow him to go. Kel, he knew, did not have much time.

''Auntie Kel...'' Shinko's voice sounded from somewhere in the background, beneath all the fog of pain and fear.

While Neal was trying to convince his father to let him go, Kel felt that she was going in a completely different way.

Plenty of women died in childbirth, she knew. But the fact that she could ever be one of them had never occurred to her. She was shaking uncontrollably, whether from fear or some body malfunction she didn't know.

Her water broke and it was all over the stone floor. And there was blood, so much blood. Kel never had a baby before, but she knew that it wasn't normal.

Spasms of pain hit her, and her head felt like it was on fire. Everything was blurry; the pain made her dizzy. But as she looked up at Shinko, she saw tears falling down the little girl's cheeks.

''What do we do?'' she asked, the sobs choking her little voice.

''What are we going to do?'' Baird said, tears thick in her voice too. Kel could see their blurry, hazy forms and Baird was behind Shinko.

Children shouldn't see this, Kel knew. Especially not Shinko and Baird.

She couldn't cry, not in front of them. She bit her lip so hard that she could taste blood.

An especially hard jolt of pain passes through her and she shudders as she tries to push. She gasps, her breath heavy.

''Get someone,'' she managed to say. ''Anyone.''

Shinko runs away but Baird stays at the doorway, frozen. Suddenly, he starts to sob and his sobs penetrates her and her last ounce of sanity.

''Go away,'' she said to him. ''Go upstairs, Baird.''

He doesn't move.

''Go!'' She found herself screaming this, but she can't help it. The terror gripped her, consumed her and she couldn't find the rational mind to say it any other way.

Little Baird ran away, and Kel felt guilt grip through her.

She couldn't do a thing. She was helplessness and that helplessness sent waves of fear and despair through her.

She retched then, and for a moment, she couldn't seem to stop. But when she finally does stop, she shook. She couldn't seem to stop that either. She felt tears fall silently down her face.

Kel didn't want to die. She didn't want to die; she wanted to be around to be this baby's mother. She wanted to know if this baby had Dom's eyes or hers, his smile or hers or...

If she died, at least she would be with Dom again. But this baby, this baby would be alone. Neal said he would be its father but the baby still needed a mother, unless...

No. She couldn't allow herself to think that way. The baby was going to make it, even if she wasn't. The baby was going to make it. The baby was going to make it. The baby was going to make it. She kept repeating it, but she still felt scared and doubtful.

She didn't have much strength but she still found the strength to push.

She started to sob, sobs that racked her body. She was absolutely terrified, and it was so hard to keep a cool head with something like this.

Neal rode as fast as he could to Kel, trying not to let the panic overtake him.

The fear of the unknown weighed heavily on him, suffocating him so that it was hard for him to breathe or to think.

_Kel_. That's the only thing his mind allowed him to think about, and thinking about her sent jolts down every fiber of his being. He had to help her somehow; she had to be all right. Because if she wasn't...

He appeared in Queenscove about an hour after he left Baird and Liam, going straight to the house.

Shinko awaited him. She just wandered aimlessly, sobbing. She ran up to him, hugging him fiercely.

Neal tensed. Shinko wasn't supposed to be out there; Kel was supposed to be watching her and it wasn't like Kel to shirk her responsibilities. But where was Sanna? One of them should be taking care of the children.

Neal knew something must seriously be wrong.

''Auntie Kel told me to try and find someone,'' Shinko said. ''But... I didn't know who to find. I'm sorry. I know she's really hurt, but I didn't know who to get. I couldn't find Auntie Sanna anywhere in town.''

''What's wrong?'' he asked.

Shinko started to sob even harder, and Neal put his arms around her, embracing her tightly.

''I think Auntie Kel's having her baby,'' Shinko said. ''But.. something's wrong. Daddy, something's wrong and we don't know what it is.''

''You go upstairs,'' Neal said, trying to keep his voice calm. ''I'll deal with Auntie Kel.''

Little Shinko clung to him even as he entered the house. Neal could hear Kel's sobs and the sound of it pierced his heart. Terror and sorrow paralyzed him, and he needed to be there with her.

''Go upstairs.''

Shinko didn't move, and Neal felt an impatient anger surge through him. ''_Go_,'' he hissed, and she ran.

Neal ran out to Kel. The stench of blood and vomit was heavy in the air, but Neal could only register Kel.

She was shuddering and blue, and there was some vomit at the edge of her mouth. Her eyes were filled of pure terror and horror at the events occurring.

''Neal!'' she exclaimed. ''Oh Neal! Help me, please...''

''I'm coming, Kel. I'm coming.''

He put his arms around her, holding onto her as hard as he could.

''Something isn't right,'' she said, her voice breathy with fear and shaking from the sobs that were racking her form. ''Something isn't right. Something isn't right.''

''I should get a healer,'' he said. ''A midwife.''

Her face fell, and even more terror consumed it. ''No, don't leave me,'' she begged, gripping his arm. ''Please... Don't leave me.''

She started shuddering then, gripping around her abdomen and squeezing her eyes. A scream uttered forth from her and pierced through him.

''I'm not going to leave, I'm not going to leave, I'm not going to leave,'' he whispered to her, desperately trying to convince her. ''I'm here with you now. I just have to get some hot water and...''

She nodded, wincing.

''I'll be back,'' he said, his voice breaking. He got the supplies needed, scurrying out and around the house to get them. Terror pulsed through his veins, and his limbs felt heavy with it.

''I'm here now,'' he said, sitting next to her and taking her hand.

She bit her lip and nodded. ''This baby has to make it, Neal,'' she said, with all of the conviction and strength that she could muster. ''Even if I don't.''

He gripped her hand. ''You're going to make it,'' he said. ''The baby's going to make it. Do you hear me, Kel?''

She looked away from him.

He gripped her hand harder. ''Do you hear me, Kel?'' he said. ''You're both going to make it.''

She finally nodded, before doubling over once more in pain. She started to sob violently.

Neal felt sick, and angry. This shouldn't ever happen to anyone, much less Kel. Despite the conviction in his voice, Neal was truly afraid of the outcome that would occur from this.

Four hours later and Neal was holding a baby in his arms. A baby with his father's blue eyes and a full head of hair its mother's color. Neal had done his best to clean the baby up, and he put a blanket around him.

All was silent, except for the baby's wails. He would have appreciated the baby's beauty, if it wasn't for Kel.

She was laying on the floor now, her skin pale and her veins bulging. Her eyes were glazed over; her body convulsed uncontrollably as saliva spewed from her mouth.

''Kel!'' he exclaimed, feeling tears well in his eyes.

He tried holding her down, tried to make the convulsions stop. But there was nothing he could do. He was helpless as he watched her body flop despite his actions and as her skin took on a bluish tint.

For what after seemed like eons, the convulsions stopped. And Kel lay there unmoving, as her skin turned bluer and bluer and bluer.

''Kel!'' he exclaimed, shaking her as hard as she could. ''Kel!''

She didn't respond. Her head only rolled as he moved her body. She wasn't breathing, but she had a pulse.

''Oh Kel,'' he sobbed. ''Oh Kel, no. Don't do this to me. Stick with me, please.''

He had never been so terrified in his life.

**Okay so I worked my butt off to get another chapter in before I left. Yeah I know I left you on another cliffie but still. I have been bracing to write this chapter since I wrote this so it was easier to write then most chapters. So please review.**


	32. Chapter 31HorrorFilled Acknowledgements

Chapter 31- Horror- Filled Acknowledgements

Neal tried to remember all he knew about healing and of childbirth. He was taught to have a clear head in emergencies and with strangers, he did. But Kel...

Everything flew out of his head. All he could register in his head was Kel, slipping away from him further and further and further. He wished that he could grab her and hold her; he wished that he could personally fight the Black God or anyone who ever tried to take her away from him.

The thought of her leaving him, leaving this world, was too horrible for him to bear. She had too much to lose and so did he.

This could not be happening. His heart was racing and its beat pulsed in his ears; a large lump was stuck in his throat; his hands were shaking; his muscles were tense.

She had to be okay. He put his mouth on hers and tried to give her breath.

She had to be okay. She had to be. That thought propelled him forward, and allowed him to push the terror aside.

She was breathing again after what seemed like eternity, her face pale but no longer blue. And she had stopped bleeding.

But she was still incredibly vulnerable and her life was still at risk. Kel may have suffered brain damage from lack of air, but that wasn't something he would find out until she woke up. She also may have lost too much blood, although that wasn't something he could be definite of either.

He did everything that he think of to bring her back to consciousness. Still... nothing.

''No,'' he said, shock and terror rendering his ability to breathe. ''No, Kel, please.''

But Kel was not moving and Neal knew that she would not any time soon.

The baby was crying next to him. Neal did not hear him as he tried to save Kel, but noticed him and took him into his arms.

He was supposed to act as the baby's father. He told Kel that he would. None of this was the baby's fault, so Neal was going to still love that baby with all of his heart anyway.

Neal held the baby gently and started to rock him. He tried to think of a lullaby, one of the lullabies he used to sing Baird or Shinko when they were babies.

''Dom,'' he whispered, as the baby quieted. ''Little Dom. I am so sorry I have to let you go now.''

He set the baby on the couch and worked to clean up the mess in the kitchen.

And it was just then that Sanna came in.

''Kel, I'm sorry that I took so long but I ended up going on a shopping spree and then getting lost...Oh Mithros, what's that horrible stench?''

Neal came running up to her then, her face distorted with anger. ''Where the hell were you?"' Neal asked, tears emerging in his eyes.

''I... How long was I gone?'' she asked, panic emerging in her features. She then looked into the kitchen and saw Kel.

''Great Mother Goddess,'' she breathed, her voice soft with oncoming tears. ''What happened?''

''She…she had the baby,'' Neal said. ''And something went wrong and...''

''Where… where is it?'' she asked. ''Where's the baby? It's still alive, isn't it?''

''On the couch,'' Neal said. ''He's on the couch. Take him and Kel while I clean up.''

Sanna nodded. ''She's… alive, isn't she? There's so much blood out there… so much.''

Neal felt sobs emerge in his throat. His voice was shaky ''She's alive but…barely. I think she's in a… in a coma now.''

''Oh gods,'' she murmured. ''No. Not Kel. No, that can't be.''

''It is,'' he said, his eyes full of the grief that consumed him now. ''It is.''

''I'm sorry,'' she said. ''I'm so sorry.''

Neal didn't answer; he didn't know what to say.

They entered the kitchen. Sanna grimaced, trying to get past all of Kel's bodily wastes but it didn't affect Neal. It was Kel, and for some reason that made it not as disgusting. And it paled in comparison to the enormity of Kel's situation.

Eventually, they got Kel propped up on the bed. What they were going to do with little Dom though, was uncertain. He needed food, but Kel was comatose and therefore unable to give him any. Sanna told her that she had a maid on her fief that may be able to serve as a nursing maid but she would have to ask her.

Neal finally went up, and found his children there. Shinko had fallen asleep, her tear tracks shining as light hit them. Baird looked up at him, the tears shining in his bloodshot eyes and against his splotchy face.

''Just like Mama,'' he murmured, so low that Neal could barely hear it.

He didn't know that his son remembered that. Even worse, Neal knew that his son was going to have to remember this too. The fact burned in his throat in the form of bile and suppressed sobs (a combination that he was already becoming sickeningly familiar with).

When Neal went to see Kel, he couldn't look at her, because then his throat would grow hard and he would have to swallow his tears (if he cried, the baby would cry and Neal couldn't take the sound). It would take everything that he had not to sob; still one time that wasn't enough and when it wasn't he would let the tears fall silently against the baby.

Sometime that night, Baird and Liam came home. Little Baird and Shinko were already asleep, given sugarcoated half-lies to make it through the night. When he heard them come in the door, he couldn't bring himself outside to see them.

Instead he cradled the sleeping little Dom in his arms as he was slumped against the wall.

But he heard Sanna's sobs and their horrified gasps. Her explanation came through the wall muffled and incoherent, but still audible. Then he heard his father and Liam conversing softly for a while, before he heard his father's footsteps tread into the room he was in.

Baird knelt down next to his son. ''I'm sorry,'' he whispered. ''I'm so sorry for…''

Neal turned his head away, unable to look at his father. The rage and terror and grief were draining up his strength; he didn't have the strength to look at Baird.

''Get up, son,'' Baird said. ''You have to get up now; you have to _stay strong_, Neal.''

Neal shook his head. ''I can't.''

''Get up.'' His voice was soft but firm. ''Give me the baby.''

Neal gave Dom over and shakily got up. ''He's beautiful, isn't he?'' Neal asked, as he noticed his father look at him.

''Yes,'' his father murmured quietly. ''He has his father's eyes, I see.''

''Kel knew that he would be a boy,'' Neal said, ''just knew. She told me that she wanted to name him after his father.

''And… she wanted me to act in Dom's place, so the baby would grow up with a father. Neither of us knew that he wouldn't grow up without a mother though.''

Baird walked over to Kel's bed, to Kel. He fixed her arms so that little Dom could fit there, and put him there.

''She gets to see her baby now,'' Baird said.

Kel didn't move, didn't smile. Her eyes stayed closed and she stayed silent. Neal knew that, if she were conscious now, she would be beaming and they both would be crying with joy.

It was all too much for Neal then. Neal started to sob, and Baird took him into his arms. Neal didn't fight him.

''You love her,'' Baird said. ''You love her just as much as you loved Yuki.''

Neal realized that it was true. He was so blinded these few months, so blinded by everything, that he didn't realize that he was falling in love with Kel. It was a feeling that he had not felt in a long time.

But it didn't do any good now, though, did it? Why did both of his loves have to… No, he stopped himself. Kel isn't dead yet and she isn't going to die. She'll be all right.

He would die for her. He would die just so she would be all right.

''I know.''

He stayed there for a long time, just crying on Baird's shoulder.

**I'm back! ;D Hope that the update wasn't too much of a wait, and that it was worth it. On the bright side, I'm almost done the chapter after this and I should update the next chapter in a day or two. **


	33. Chapter 32 Coming to Terms

Chapter 32- Coming to Terms 

Neal had to notify Piers and Ilane. He didn't know if she would be okay by the time that she came, or how fast they could possibly come. And he didn't even know how to tell them, he just knew that he had to.

Baird offered to write the letter but… Neal felt that he had to. It didn't feel right for his father to.

But what could he write? How could he possibly sum up the horrors that had occurred in their absence?

The pen quivered in his hand and his throat was sore and hard.

_Dear Piers and Ilane_, was all that he had managed to write. The handwriting was shaky and hard to read; tears blurred them further.

_You need to come home immediately. It's an emergency and the situation is desperate. _No duh. But how could he tell them why? Would he describe in graphic detail the grisly, gruesome events that had occurred during and after Dom's birth? Or would he be trite, not communicating nearly enough? There were some things that had to be said in person, and this was one of them.

_The baby was born, a boy with his father's eyes. Despite the circumstances in which he was born, he is a healthy and robust baby boy. Seeing him, it is quite obvious that he would do his parents proud. _

There was so much more that he could say about that. He could go on for paragraphs and paragraphs and paragraphs, pages and pages and pages, about the bouncing ball of joy that was a son to him. It was that little boy that had shed at least some light on the situation. He stopped himself. Because if he continued, it would make the letter sound joyful and it was far from it.

_Kel is very sick from the birth, though. _Very sick? That was the understatement of the century. It was bitterly hilarious, and it uttered forth a choked sound from Neal. He wanted to grab the letter and tear it to pieces, clear the desk he was writing and jam it against the wall, take the sun that was shining through the window and throw it back at the god who dared to shine it.

He wanted to take some magic pill that would somehow give him the ability to reverse the situation. Neal would give anything to do so; he would trade anything in order to rid him of the terror and utter helplessness that was tearing him apart inside like some damn sick hurricane.

He turned around and started to sob. He got up suddenly and hurled the chair he was sitting on at the wall. He ran toward it as he neared it and started to kick it with everything that he had. And then, in a frenzied motion, he began to punch the brick wall in front of him. Blood began to run down his knuckles, but the pain that resulted was nothing compared to the pain that he had inside of himself.

Little Baird appeared at the doorway, watching him silently as he hit the wall with all of his might. Every violent grunt tore apart his little heart and silenced any scream he would have otherwise uttered. Neal didn't notice him until he finally had the nerve to speak.

''Daddy…'' he said and Neal barely heard him. The noise didn't register into his consciousness, though. Neal continued, the velocity and force of his punches increasing by the second.

''Daddy!'' he shrieked, as he started to sob.

Neal stopped, turning around. In his rational state, he would have solaced his son. Only he wasn't rational now, so the sight of his son only made him collapse on his knees and sob harder.

Neal barely registered his son's quick little footsteps running down the hall as fast as he could now.

At this point, little Baird knew that the adults were lying to him and that his Auntie Kel was not going to be all right. But he at least needed his father to be all right, if Auntie Kel wasn't.

He went and got his grandfather. The bigger Baird entered the room. He wrapped his arms around his son and escorted him out of the room.

Neal never finished the letter. Baird discarded what Neal wrote, and wrote the letter in Neal's stead. The letter, while sympathetic, mainly just told the medical facts about Kel was holding up (something that Baird couldn't even bear to tell his son). This would have bothered Neal if he would have known about it, but as Kel's condition worsened he soon forgot about it.

As Baird sent the letter, he hoped that when Piers and Ilane would come home they would find their daughter conscious and healthy. But the truth of the matter was that if Kel's condition changed by the time they arrived at Mindelan, it would probably be for the worse. By the time they arrived, funeral preparations would probably have to be underway.

Writing the letters was the worst part about being a healer. He had sent them before- every time another one of Tortall's knight fell in battle, every time a woman didn't make childbirth. He had sent many of those letters, and he was at a point where he could handle it emotionally. This letter wasn't much different, except for how close this case was for his son.

Kel's condition kept changing since the letter, though. Some days it would get worse, and some days it would just stay steady. Rarely did Kel give off the illusion of improving.

Every day, Neal would go into her bedchambers for an hour and talk to her. He would chat on and on and on about the most trivial and mundane of things. He knew that she probably couldn't hear him but it took his mind off of the severity of the situation and it made him feel better.

After his breakdown in front of his son, Neal tried harder to act happier in front of his children and to only break down in private. Only little Shinko and Baird had long seen past his facade.

After two weeks, Sanna and Liam were forced to go home, much to the regret of both of them. As Sanna said goodbye to Baird and Neal, she couldn't look Neal in the eye. He noticed and he couldn't look at her either.

It was around then that Neal approached his father, asking about Kel's true condition. Baird wished that he could've lied, but there was something in Neal's eyes that made him tell the truth.

''She's going to die, Neal,'' he admitted, his voice sad, ''most likely. I've done everything I can do and she still isn't getting any better.''

''No,'' Neal said, shaking his head. ''She...she's getting better. She has to get better.''

''Neal... she's not. It's amazing that she's been alive this long.''

His voice began to tremble and tears began to fall down his cheeks. ''Dom needs a mother. Dom needs her.''

Baird was silent.

''_I _need her.''

Baird wished that he didn't tell his son this. He knew that he just took away his son's hope and he knew how much hope kept one alive. He hung his head. ''I'm sorry, Neal.''

''_No_. Please, Dad. No. No!''

Baird reached out for his son, but Neal jerked away at his touch. Then Neal ran, ran away as fast as he could.

Baird didn't stop him. He was frozen as he watched his son run away from him. He squeezed his eyes shut. ''I'm sorry, Neal,'' he whispered, although his son was far from earshot. ''I'm so sorry.''

Meanwhile, Neal was running and didn't stop until he was deep within the forest. He finally did stop when he could run no more. He fell to his knees and clasped his hands together.

Oh Black God, he prayed, tears streaming down his cheeks. Please do not take her yet. Please.

**Okay so what did I say? I updated in two days. I'm so proud of myself! Anyway, I hoped you liked this chapter and that you'll review(and please don't hate me. Things aren't definite, yet). **


	34. Chapter 33 Agonizing Uncertainties

Chapter 33- Agonizing Uncertainties

''Oh no. _No_.'' Piers held the letter in his hands, shaking. He gripped the letter, harder. Tears were falling down his face, although he didn't register them.

''Piers...'' Ilane approached him, concern all over her features.

He tried to respond, but he only uttered a choked cry.

''What's wrong?''

''We should have stayed. We should have stayed. We should have stayed. Oh gods, we should have stayed.''

''Piers...'' Alarm was creeping into his wife's voice now.

''This can't be happening, this can't be happening...''

''What's wrong?''

He handed her the letter, unable to say it aloud.

A shocked gasp came forth from Ilane and she started to sob. Piers took her into his arms. ''Not Kel, not Kel, not Kel,'' she sobbed against him.

''Maybe she's better by now,'' he said.

''Or maybe…''

''No. Don't say it. We can't think about it.''

''We have to go home.''

''I know.''

Meanwhile, Kel's condition was steady. It wasn't getting worse, but it wasn't getting better either. Usually this only happened for a couple of days, before it worsened again, but it held true for the week.

Neal felt his heart flutter with a little bit of hope. Maybe his prayers were being answered after all. Maybe all that was needed was time, and that she might get better after all. His father was wrong, he let himself think. She's not going to die; she's going to get better.

She was so pale, and... She looked so, so, so frail. Her hair was fanned out around her. She may not have been considered her beautiful, but... It would have taken his breath away, if not for the direness of the situation. He considered her to be one of the most beautiful women he ever lay his eyes upon and he knew that her soul was even more beautiful than that.

''Can I see Auntie Kel?'' little Baird asked him one day.

The question took Neal off guard, and his mind searched for a quick answer. ''She's... She can't handle it now,'' he managed. ''She's not in a state to take visitors, Baird.''

It was true, sort of. She would not be able to acknowledge him. Neal hated to lie to his son, so he tried to convince himself that he was telling his son the truth. Only his son could see through it.

''But _you _visit her.''

''I...She can't handle too many visitors.''

Baird gave him a look that Neal couldn't decipher and he shook his head. He was seven years old but he knew that his father was hiding something.

''Is she going to die?'' he asked, beginning to cry.

The question tore Neal apart inside. He thought that he could spare his son from the pain in his own heart. He thought that he could give his son the blissful beauty of ignorance and of hope. But his son was too intelligent for that; he should have suspected that earlier.

But still, he could not bear to say the truth aloud. ''No,'' he said, looking away from his son. ''Auntie Kel will be just fine.''

''But it was like That Day,'' Baird said, choking on the words, ''except it didn't happen right away like it did with Mommy.''

Neal was struck speechless. He had compared Kel's situation to Yuki's many times but... The fact that his son was doing so was just too much. He didn't know that Baird even remembered that still.

Baird ran away from him and Neal felt tears prick his eyes. Oh gods, oh gods, he thought for what felt like the thousandth time. Please make this go away. Please make her get better.

There was one moment, probably two weeks into Kel's condition, when Neal held baby Dom and thought about Kel.

Once again, it hit him that this baby wouldn't have a mother. It always did, as he looked at little Dom. The same angry helplessness flooded into his eyes as he looked into little Dom's eyes.

Dom was crying, from another bout of colic (he had seemed to be getting them a lot throughout the week). Neal took him into his arms, and started to rock him. He sang him a lullaby, in an attempt to quiet him.

He felt tears prick in his own eyes, and swallowed away the rest of the tears.

After the incident with little Baird, he swore he was going to be the best father he could to his children. His grief didn't change that he was their father, and it didn't change the fact that they needed them(now more than ever). And, he decided, that included little Dom.

He felt it before, but it was all-consuming now. He really felt the connection between him and the boy who he claimed as his son. The love for Dom swelled, and Neal knew that he would do anything for this baby. And that just made the grief, the injustice of Dom's being motherless at such a young age, all the more poignant.

All of the sudden the tears fell down his cheeks, but he didn't register them. He was trying to find a way to keep his hands on the baby, because they were shaking now. And he was trying to swallow back his tears, because he was so used to doing it around little Baird and Shinko.

Eventually, the baby quieted. Neal lay the baby down as gently as he could, slowly taking his hands from under Dom's body and then from his head. Neal then leaned down and kissed the baby on his forehead.

''I love you,'' he murmured. ''I love you so much, little Dom. More than my own life.''

Around that time, Ilane and Piers made it to the Mindelan estate. Neal heard the crunch of their horses' footsteps pulling up their way, and he froze with fear. They would fully enter the hell that he had been in for weeks.

He forced himself to greet them, internally wincing all the while.

Ilane looked at Neal, shaking her head desperately. ''No,'' she said. ''This can't be... He had to be wrong... Your father..''

''No,'' Neal said, struggling to speak. ''My father was right.'' His jaw was tightened once more with grief, and he could barely find the strength to speak.

Ilane's eyes filled with tears and she weakly shook her head once more. ''No,'' she said. ''She can't be.''

''But she's not...'' Piers said, his voice broken. ''She's not better?''

Neal shook his head. He tried to say that she got worse, but the words could not come out of his mouth. He knew that if he forced himself to speak more, he would cry. And he could not cry in front of them; crying would only make things harder on all of them.

''She's not... gone, is she?'' Ilane could barely get the question out, and she was barely able to breathe as she did. Her chest constricted with horror as she did, and the lump in her throat bobbed as she did.

''No,'' he said, feeling a little bit lighter. ''She's still alive, thank the gods.''

''Oh thank the gods,'' Ilane said, and Piers' face showed visible relief. But the relief was shortly lived, because it was uncertain whether she would still be so much longer.

''And the baby's fine,'' Neal added. ''Healthy, big and beautiful.''

Ilane smiled slightly and Piers' face darkened.

''Come in,'' Neal said. ''She and the baby are in here.''

**So that's basically another chapter. Her condition is still uncertain, Neal's bonding with the baby... Yeah, not much action. But please review anyway, tell me what you think. **


	35. Chapter 34 Pier's and Ilane's Visit

Chapter 34- Piers and Ilane's Visit

Neal led Piers and Ilane in to Kel's bedside. He did it thoughtlessly, not even thinking about the polite courtesies he would have given them otherwise. After a few moments, he even forgot that they were behind them.

He bunched his hands in his fists, in that familiar way that he did before he went to see her.

He found his father there, as usual. ''How is she?'' he asked, not thinking of how much the answer might affect Piers and Ilane.

His heart filled with hope, even though every time he hoped his hopes had been dashed.

''Steady,'' Baird answered.

Steady. It was such a neutral answer. It didn't slash his spirits, but it didn't infuse it with another wave of hope. He knew he should feel nothing, but he could not help to feel a wave of disappointment.

''Just steady?'' Piers asked, and Neal became aware of his and Ilane's presence once more.

Neal looked and saw Ilane kneeling at Kel's bedside. She was holding Kel's hand with her left hand and brushing her hair back with her right hand, as tears silently fell down her cheeks.

His chest and throat tightened in the way that they always used to be doing now, when the graveness of Kel's condition hit him and he looked away. It was some sick combination of grief and of fear he supposed, whirring within him and racking him in the way a twister would.

Piers went on the other side of Kel. He looked at her for a moment, his face slowly crumbling. He fell on his knees and started to pray, all the while uttering this horrible strangled cry.

Neal looked at him and wanted to block out his ears, block out all of this and be blissfully unaware of this horror. He hastily left the room, deciding that little Dom probably needing some attending to anyway and there was only so much of this that he could take of this on one day.

''I'm sorry,'' Piers murmured after Neal left, his face buried in the blanket. ''I'm sorry I left. I should have stayed here.''

Later Piers and Ilane were given a bedroom, and once there they started to talk about Kel.

Baird asked if they wanted to see little Dom, but Ilane felt that she was too shaken from seeing Kel and it would dampen the experience.

''It was worse than I thought,'' Ilane said, her voice hoarse. ''Oh my baby, I can't believe...''

''It's my fault,'' Piers said. ''I should have stayed.''

''No,'' Ilane said. ''It's not your fault, Piers. It's not anyone's fault.''

''Why did you let me go, Ilane?''

''Piers, it's not our fault. She was having the baby and...''

''The baby,'' he said. ''Oh that gods-damn baby!''

''Piers, that's ridiculous,'' Ilane said. ''The baby didn't ask to be born, and he didn't ask to hurt his mother. She just got sick; it was just bad luck, horrible luck. She's sick, Piers. I can't believe how sick she is...''

''I can't look at it, Ilane,'' he said. ''I don't want to hold it, don't want to touch it. I can't, not after Kel...''

''We can't blame anyone,'' Ilane said. ''If we are to blame anyone we are to blame the gods. I have been such a good follower all of my life, and Kel has been such a good person and they...''

''She's going to die,'' Piers said, ''if she doesn't get better.''

''Piers,'' Ilane said, her voice shaking. ''We can't think that way. We can't think about it. We'll just pray and hope... Maybe the gods will change their minds. They have to.''

Piers leaned against the wall, because he knew that he would fall if he didn't. He looked away from his wife, not able to stand looking at her at that moment (he didn't think he could stand looking at anyone, really).

There was a silence and then Piers left the room. He went outside with his heart in his throat and his spirit shattered. It was there he felt the freedom to fall apart, to scream and yell and harangue at those who may not even have deserved it, without the oppressive opinions of Ilane or anybody.

''Do you want to see the baby?'' Neal asked Ilane after breakfast.

She felt a rush of eagerness zip through her. In light of all this horror and these terrible grey clouds, there was a silver lining. ''Very much,'' she said, a smile spreading on her face.

''Where is he?'' Ilane asked.

''Upstairs,'' Neal answered, the beginning of a beam spreading on his face. ''What about Piers?''

Ilane's face darkened as their conversation came back to mind. Piers was grief-stricken, but he was denying the one thing that might bring him some joy. ''He's not ready yet,'' she said.

Neal nodded. He saw Piers react to the baby before, so he had an idea what the man was thinking. He felt a flare rise in his chest, though he tried to hide it from Ilane as he led her up the stairs. Piers may be upset and he was too, yet he still didn't deny little Dom.

Neal brought out the baby and Ilane's face immediately brightened.

''Here he is,'' Neal said, his face glowing.

''Oh,'' Ilane said, beaming. ''My grandchild. My beautiful grandchild. Can I hold him?''

Neal nodded, still smiling. Ilane took him gently, and started to rock him. To her surprise, she was laughing.

She didn't think she could be so happy now a while ago. She felt ecstatic now, buoyed and with a purpose.

While Ilane was meeting little Dom, Piers was seeing Kel again.

She was doing worse. She had been in a state of decline for weeks; he knew this but hoped it would be different today.

Looking at her, Piers felt the anger in his heart melt away. The anger didn't do any good, he figured. It may have made him feel better, but it only made him worse. Worse as a person, as a father, as... Everything. It took away his rational thinking, and diverted his attention from the one who needed it the most. It accomplished absolutely nothing, as his daughter was still sick and his heart still was consumed by grief.

Of course he wasn't expected to be perfect now. He couldn't even be rational, angry or not.

Looking at Kel just... brought things to perspective. It filtered his emotions; the secondary and trivial ones were sucked down the drain and only fear and sadness were the chunks that remained.

Why was he taking this out on his grandchild? The little being who once made his daughter light up in a time of such sadness? Ilane was right; his mother's condition wasn't his fault, wasn't anybody's fault.

He held her hand and desperately hoped that she would get better, stay alive for all of them.

The next morning, he held the baby. And although he did feel a rush of pride, it was mixed with the bitterness of the situation.

**Okay, so... I'm starting to wrap things up. Besides the presence of Piers and Ilane, not much happened either. But just wait until the next chapter. I'm warning ahead of time that there will be a very misleading cliffie. But for the time being, I hoped you enjoyed this chapter. As usual, please review it. **


	36. Chapter 35 Saying Goodbye

Chapter 35- Saying Goodbye

Three months later, Kel was still alive. Only, it was barely. Although she was being fed, she was very thin. She was pale, and the veins on her face were clear, contrasted against the white. One could barely tell where the sheet was and where her face began.

Ironically, Piers had become very close to the baby and often brought him in to see Kel. He would rock little Dom, and talked to Kel about the baby. He was rocking the baby, when Baird told him the news.

''She's going to die, Piers,'' he said. ''It isn't a 'probably' anymore. She is definitely going to die in a few days. You'll have to say goodbye to her soon, you and Ilane and Neal.''

From Kel's state, he should have known. But the news still sent this horrible shock through him, and a broken cry uttered forth from him. Despite everything, Piers had a hope that buoyed him, and now it was slashed.

Kel was going to die. Kel was going to die. Kel was going to die. This was fact, apparently. Although, he couldn't help but think, maybe Baird was wrong. Maybe Kel would be one of those miracles that would astound everyone; she was a fighter and if anyone could pull off a miracle, it was her.

''It was amazing that she made it this long,'' Baird said. ''She… she's a fighter. But this is too much for even her.''

Piers couldn't help but shake his head, even though he knew it was true. Three months without Kel was bad enough; he couldn't imagine not having her for the rest of his life.

He held the baby tight for a moment, as the tears fell. But he felt his arms loosen, and it was a struggle to hold the baby.

''Can you hold him?'' Piers asked.

Baird nodded.

Piers left the room, trying to face with the heavy news he had been told.

Baird had already told Piers that Kel was going to die. That wasn't easy for him, but yet again it was always easy. The thing about telling this to strangers, though, was that there was some sort of detachment. But telling Neal, his own son... That was going to be harder. To tell him that the woman he loved was going to die, just as the other woman he loved did.

He never liked putting such things off so he told Neal the day after he told Piers.

It was during one of Neal's visits. Neal was kneeling over the bed and stroking Kel's hand.

''How is she today?'' Neal asked, as he always did.

''Neal,'' he said, trying to be as gentle as possible. ''I have to tell you something.''

''She's worse?'' Neal asked, his voice sad.

''She's not going to get better, Neal.''

''What? What... Why would you say that?''

''Patients in this state... In my experience, they die.''

Neal's face went white, and he shook his head. ''Not Kel... No, please... no...''

''It's amazing she's made it this long. But I don't think she'll make it any longer, Neal. She's going to die soon. You'll have to make your goodbyes.''

''No!''

''I'm sorry, Neal,'' Baird said. ''I truly wish that I could have given you better news.''

Neal did not storm off angrily like Baird suspected. He did not deny it any further. Instead he just started to sob, burying his face into the pillow. Because Neal could sense the truth in Baird's words. He knew it all along; he just desperately hoped that it wasn't true.

Baird left, leaving Neal to himself.

A couple days after Piers found out, Piers told Ilane.

''She's going to die,'' he sobbed to her. ''Kel's going to die.''

She shook her head. ''Piers!'' she exclaimed. ''How could you say such a thing? How dare you be so insensitive?''

''Baird said it,'' he said.

Tears gathered in Ilane's eyes. ''No,'' she said.

''He did.'' His voice was quavering.

''She's going to live. He doesn't know... She could still live.''

''Ilane, look at her,'' Piers said.

''She's going to live. How dare you take away my hope?''

Piers said nothing, tears streaming down his cheeks. Ilane ran away from him, sobbing.

Piers would have went after her, but he wouldn't know what to say. He also realized that Ilane needed her space; she needed time to get used to this just as he did. The fact was still a lot for him to handle then, so he could only imagine what it was like for Ilane then.

It took a while for Ilane and Neal to accept Kel's imminent death.

For Ilane, the idea came on her like a tornado. It developed, looking harmless before gaining momentum. But the destruction came and the twist whirred and wreaked havoc inside of her. It was there with her always, but at certain moments she could feel it. She could feel the rubble, the pieces of her being torn apart and the hope inside of her being ripped to shreds. She could feel this chaotic ball of emotions suppressed and festering, and hope turn to bits. The days she saw Kel and her worsening condition, she felt as if she was looking in the eye of the storm and every fiber of her being was being torn in two.

For Neal, it was a flash flood. The idea had already been raining down on him, and washing pieces of him away. But then the absolute certainty of it, the finality... It came over him at once, sudden and violent. He felt as if he was drowning, trying desperately to keep his head above water and resume his life. It was at night that he let it come over him, stopped fighting it. He let the floodwater leak out of him and he would let out all of the sobs that he had been holding in all day.

That morning, they both could sense it. It was this ripple of panic and horror that ran through them; it sent their hearts in their throats at mid- morning.

Neal immediately ran to her bedchambers. Ilane shook Piers awake(but he was already awake, with his bloodshot eyes wide open), and they ran down to her bedchambers too.

When Ilane and Piers came in, Neal's finger was already on her throat, checking her pulse. He felt nothing, but kept his finger there hoping for a weak pulse. Finally. ''Someone, go get a mirror.''

Ilane did, her sobs echoing in the hallway. She came back with hers, and Neal put it under Kel's mouth.

He waited for the mirror to fog up, hardly able to breathe himself.

But it didn't.

He slowly let the mirror down as he felt tears run down his cheeks.

Ilane began to shake her, and Piers just stood with his eyes wide and his jaw hanging.

''Go get Baird,'' Ilane said, her voice breaking.

''He won't do any good, Ilane,'' Piers said, his own eyes finally beginning to fill with tears. ''She's gone.''

They may have been expecting it for months, but there was still a new level horror and shock to the discovery.

Meanwhile, Kel felt herself drifting up. It had seemed like a long sleep to her; on certain days, she was able to catch sounds but for the most part she hadn't really felt a thing.

It was a new world, this unfamiliar plain almost. This empty pit.

She felt a hand on her arm.

''You can't stay here,'' a voice told her. It was a man's voice, one that sounded enticingly familiar.

She felt an eager rush wash over her. It was an exhilarating relief, one that brought a smile to her face and tears in her eyes.

''Dom?''

**Okay, so this chapter wasn't my best. A little all over the place. But still, I would like to know what you thought of it. Yes, I warned you of the cliffie... This story will be updated in a week or so, so I won't torture you all for too long :D **


	37. Chapter 36 Coming Back

Chapter 36- Coming Back

He was there, he realized. It was his blue eyes that were looking at her, and his eyebrows arched with determination.

It was so odd yet so beautiful to see him. She realized that certain features of him blurred over; she realized that she forgot how good he smelled.

''Dom!''

She started to sob, and she took him into her arms. She started to kiss him, and he kissed her back; their kiss was amorous and fiery and desperate, fed by the hunger of not seeing each other for so long.

''Oh gods, I've missed you,'' she murmured.

''I missed you, too,'' he said.

She looked up. His voice sounded sad, without the relief she had.

''You can't stay here,'' he said.

''Dom... I just got here.''

His eyes filled with tears. ''Our baby needs you as a mother, and my cousin needs you as a lover.''

''Neal... lover?''

''He loves you, I've seen it here. And you love him too, don't you?''

The words filled her with shock. She never thought of it, loving him when he was helping her deal with the death of another man she loved. Her love for Neal did not become blatantly obvious in the way her love for Dom had, but it came in a softer and more subtle of a way. But she realized it was true, and nodded. ''I do.''

He nodded, hanging his head.

''I'm sorry,'' she said.

''It's not your fault. He helped you and you got close to him. I wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life alone.''

''I'm sorry,'' she said, her eyes overflowing with tears. ''I'm the reason you're not living yours. If I never got out there...''

''No,'' he said, his voice firm as he put his hand on her shoulder. ''Don't you dare say that. You only wanted to help. And in the end, I chose to save you. I don't regret it. But I do wish... I wish I had the chance to marry you.''

She gave him a sad smile. ''Me too.''

''You really have to go,'' Dom said.

''But...''

''You're lucky the Black God didn't catch you. But you were dying so slowly, and there are so many other people dying now...''

There were so many things she wanted to say, wanted to do with him. But he was right; she couldn't stay.

''Go,'' he said.

She nodded. ''Just... kiss me one more time.''

He nodded, smiling. ''Of course.''

She felt his lips on hers once more. She savored everything about it- the way it tasted, the way his mouth twisted on hers, the way she felt against him as he kissed her.

''There's no time to make love again, is there?'' she asked.

He shook his head sadly. ''No. But we will one day. There will be a time when we can be together again. We will meet again one day, Kel.''

''I know.'' Her eyes were filled with tears.

''I will lead you back,'' he said, taking her hand.

''All right.''

''Goodbye, Kel.''

''Goodbye.''

Both of their eyes were filled with tears; they both felt as if they were being ripped from each other once more.

She felt herself fade away, the vision of him dimming. His eyes were the last thing she saw, and what she would remember years to come.

The first sensation she got back was sound. She could hear sobbing all around her, and her mother screaming.

The next sensation she gained was touch. She felt someone's hand on her- Neal's? Her father's? No, the calluses told her it was Neal. Someone was leaning next to her, crying, and she could feel their tears.

She tried to move, tried to open her eyes. For a moment, she couldn't. Her body felt like lead, so difficult to move. Her hands inched on the hand that was on her, and she tried to say something.

She opened her eyes, and did her best to keep them open. ''Don't cry,'' she said, her voice coming out as a croak. ''I'm here now.''

Their reaction was instantaneous. Ilane immediately went up to put her arms around her, laughing as she did. Piers was right behind her.

''We thought you were dead,'' Ilane sobbed.

It would be too complicated to explain that she was, and that Dom brought her back. She would explain all of this later to them.

Eventually they let her go. Once they were rational and assured that Kel was alive, they left to give Neal a moment.

He kissed her. He kissed her as hard and passionately as he could, trying to convey all the fear he carried for the past three months and the hunger for her he harbored and the pain of seeing her so sick.

And she kissed him back, with all of the gratitude in her heart that she has felt in the past few months. She kissed him with the mixed feelings in her heart- the pain from leaving Dom and the relief she had for the chance to return to him.

He beamed at her, and she felt a smile stretch across her face.

And then he reached and held her. He clutched her with all of his strength, as if letting her go would mean losing her once more.

''We thought you were dead,'' he said, starting to sob. ''I thought I had lost you.''

''I was. You did.''

He gave her a confused look. ''Later,'' she responded.

''Oh gods, I thought I had lost you,'' he said, and then leaned in to kiss her once more.

For the first week she was lucid, Ilane and Piers didn't let their daughter out of their sight. Neal spent as much time with her as he could, trying to explore the new benefits of his romantic relationship with Kel.

Baird had no explanation for her recovery; she was now only a little weak, the internal damage she had suffered gone.

One day, Neal brought Dom was brought to her bedside.

Kel beamed as she saw him. She tried to speak, but she was speechless. She looked into his blue eyes and her heart was immediately captured by him. His head fit into her arms as seamlessly as a lock and a key. Kel felt as if she was encapsulated in a new kind of bliss.

And then she started laughing, and Neal followed her. Because it was all so beautiful, all so precious. But she realized how delicate it was, how quick she had come to losing it.

''He's so beautiful,'' Kel managed. ''My baby... he's so beautiful.''

Neal beamed, his smile hitting Kel like the rays of the sun. ''I know.''

She suddenly felt a rush of gratitude wash through her, for Dom and for Neal. Neal for raising little Dom while she was gone, and Dom for bringing her back to the both of them. And suddenly, she knew she had to tell him.

''He saved me,'' Kel said. ''He brought me back.''

''Who?'' Neal asked.

''Dom.''

Neal didn't say anything so Kel continued.

''I felt as if I were sleeping, all that time,'' Kel said. ''And then I woke up and I didn't know where I was. It was like this empty plain. But Dom was there.

''I was happy, ecstatic, to see him at first and I just wanted to stay with him. I couldn't think of anything else; I was just consumed by the knowledge that he was there. But he told me I couldn't stay, and I knew I couldn't. He got me out, before the Black God saw me.

''And now... I'm just so thankful to be back here. With you, with little Dom... With everyone.''

Neal looked at her and then he went to kiss her again. He started to cry silently with joy, his tears mixing in their kiss.

''I'm so glad you're here now,'' he murmured against her. ''I'm so glad he brought you back.''

''Me too,'' she said.

As she kissed him, she knew she could not be happier. For she was home, and she had so much to live for now.

''Thank the gods you're here,'' he said, his mouth curling in the beginning of a smile.

''Yes, thank the gods,'' she replied.

**Okay, so that is the end of In Her Darkest Hour. I will be posting the epilogue sometime this week. I hope the ending wasn't too sloppy or sappy or lame or anything. Just tell me if it is. So, I shocked you once again. Please read and review. **


	38. Epilogue Two Years Later

Epilogue- Two Years Later

''I do.''

The words rang clear and sharp from Kel's mouth, with a smile spread wide across her face. They were in response to the words Neal had uttered before, and to the vows the priest had given her.

''You may now kiss the bride,'' the priest said.

Once more, Neal's lips found its way on Kel's. Smooth as honey and spicy as cinnamon, once again he was enveloped by her presence. With her, he had found home, secure and blissful and absolutely beautiful.

He was married to this beautiful woman. She was going to have his babies; she was going to live at his fief and grow old with him. The thought hit him and filled him with this new sort of ecstasy, this buzz that made him want to zip through the chapel and just laugh.

He lead her down the stairs to the crowd. He put his arm behind her back; right now, he was especially protective of her.

She put her hand on her stomach, feeling its slight curve. She could not help but smile whenever she did(although she was already beaming at this point). Neal was ecstatic too, although a little worried.

There was great celebration afterwards.

The party was at Queenscove, and all of her friends and family were there.

They were met by Kel's mother, whose eyes were shining with tears. Kel's father was behind her, and tears were also in his eyes too.

Each time Piers gave his daughters away was painful, but it had been particularly so with Kel. He figured it was in light of everything that had happened in the past three years. The events that had, figuratively and literally, ripped her away from him. But he could not give her away to a better man.

Baird was there, too, smiling, along with Neal's sister Jessamine. Not far away from them was Tobe, who was having a conversation with Liam.

There were also Kel's siblings and other friends, all in different places in the room.

''Auntie Kel!''

Suddenly, she felt her knees cave in as Shinko's little body crashed into it. She smiled.

''Shinko,'' Neal scolded. ''Don't do that. You could hurt Auntie Kel. Or at the very least stain her dress.''

''You really shouldn't do that, Shinko,'' Kel said. ''But never mind that, we're cutting the cake soon.''

''We are?'' she asked, eyes widening.

She ran away eagerly, going to get little Dom and Baird.

Kel laughed.

''She really shouldn't do that,'' Neal said, his voice serious, ''especially considering your condition.''

''Oh Neal,'' she said, smiling.

Upon seeing her smile, he could not help smiling too.

Cleon and Rachelle approached them, Rachelle supporting Cleon as he limped to them. ''Congratulations,'' Cleon said.

''Thank you,'' Neal said, looking at Rachelle.

Cleon had explained to them when he came that he annulled his marriage to Ermelian two years before. He had fell in love with Rachelle before, he claimed, and it wasn't fair to continue. It seemed a little unfair to Ermelian, Neal thought, considering she kept his fief from going under.

But he could see Cleon loved her in the way that he loved Kel, and she seemed nice enough.

Later on, Raoul and Buri went up to congratulate them. Raoul, still tearful, gave Kel a hug(he only found out later about Kel's near-death experience. In all the haste and horror, Neal forgot to write him a letter).

Eventually, they did cut the cake.

As he spooned cake in her mouth, Kel experienced one of the most happiest moments in her life. Because, in spite of all the obstacles thrown her way, things were almost perfect now. She was married to a man who she absolutely adored and cherished, and who absolutely adored and cherished her in return. She had a child on the way, a child already here and two stepchildren who felt as her own children; in the years to come, she would have even more children with this man.

Yet, a sadness ebbed at her. She was supposed to have this day with another man, but she was having it with his cousin while their child sat and watched. Their child and her unborn child would never get the chance to know a man who was just as wonderful, and who she loved just as much. When she had started dating Neal, she took her engagement ring off her finger although she still kept it around her neck on a chain.

She would always love Dom, but she would move on with Neal.

As their chocolate-colored lips touched, she felt at peace. Because her future would be bright with Neal, and she would be happy and safe and secure.

**I've never been to a wedding so, if there are any errors here please correct me(I'll go back and fix it). Being an epilogue, this is shorter than my typical chapters (although it's much longer than the prologue). So this is officially the end of In Her Darkest Hour. I'll do a couple of more scenarios in Telling Neal, before I take a little hiatus from the world of fanfiction (I'll update some oneshots, although a lot of them won't be Tamora Pierce). So please read and review and tell me what you think. **


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